So last week I wrote a post called 11 Things That Will Turn A Guy Off In The Sack, and then I only gave you five things. But hey, life is full of disappointments, and the sooner you get used to it, the better. I was just trying to prepare you for rough times ahead. You’re welcome.
Here are the rest, as promised. I must confess that coming up with 11 was hard, because, honestly, I’m always too grateful to be getting laid to be all that picky. But a promise is a promise.
I should really call these 11 Things That Will Turn Anyone Off In the Sack, as these apply just as much to men as they do women.
6) Being silent
Yo, you still with me or did you fall asleep? Yes, I realize that if you aren’t making any noise, I’m probably doing something wrong. Or maybe you’re just the quiet type. Either way, it’s a drag. If it doesn’t feel good, tell me and I’ll try something else. If you never make any noise in the sack, well, that’s your prerogative, but it’s not much fun. They have this new thing now called feedback. You should look into it.
7) Asking if I’m close
Well, I was…
8) Crushing my head
You’ve been working out, haven’t you? I’m glad it feels good, but breathing is kind of a must for me, so could you loosen up the Thighs Of Death a little? Thanks. (For women, the equivalent is when a guy holds your head down there.)
9) Barking orders
Yes! There! No! Lower! Wait! To the left! Left! Oh yeah! Faster! Faster! Slow down! Other side! No! Move your leg! Not there! Up! Up! Other hand! Higher! Yes! No! Down! Down! Okay! No! Yes! Harder! Harder! Do it! Do it!
Being vocal and asking for what you want? Good. Barking orders at me like I’m Ben-Hur rowing a Roman warship? Not good. There’s a fine line there. You’ll know it when you find it.
10) Unauthorized rear entry
One of my college roomies was making out with a young lady when he suddenly realized her finger was in a certain orifice where he wasn’t expecting company. Some guys like that sort of thing, and some guys don’t. It’s probably best to know which is which before you start digging around.
11) Stopping at the wrong time
How can I say this? When you’re drilling for oil and the oil starts gushing, for god’s sake, don’t stop drilling. That’s the time to drill even faster until the oil stops flowing.
Have fun and good luck.