A recent excerpt of R. Kelly’s book/autobiography Soulacoaster: The Diary of Me indicates that upon watching the end of one of the most polarizing movies of all time, The Notebook, R (I think I shall just call him R) realized that his marriage had died and wasn’t coming back and pushed him towards divorce. The agony. Now, far it be it from me to suggest that perhaps his marriage couldn’t last the scandals, the horrid Pied Piper act he was doing or the tape of him peeing on a then 15-year-old little girl who was the niece of one of his artists. Hey, I wasn’t married to him. And as far as I’m concerned, The Notebook is definitely a love killer. Or at the very least a boner killer (seriously, I HATE this movie). But it is possible that I hate love. This isn’t about me though. Point is, maybe the movie did help usher in an understanding that he and his wife could no longer work. So the headlines are a bit misleading. I, however, don’t like to live in the world of facts when I don’t have to. So let’s run with the more entertaining denouement.
R. Kelly saw The Notebook and realized his marriage was over. Okay.
If Ryan Gosling can kill your marriage then it’s entirely possible that other movies could end your marriage, no? Of course it is. And since I believe the children are our future, here are five other movies that I’m sure could end your marriage.
1. The Vow
The natural follow up to The Notebook (hell The Vow was pushed as another Notebook style movie, the cads), it is totally possible to sit through this movie and realize that you don’t have the type of love they do that transcends all and mumbo jumbo and blah blah blah and say, you know what, you don’t love me enough to try to win me back (and didn’t when The Vow was 50 First Dates) so I’m leaving you for your best friend like Talladega Nights. Okay, that’s all a bit far fetched but I hate manipulative ass movies and I think any woman who forces her man to see them is definitely a willing participant in the marriage’s eventual demise. By the way, when was the last time you saw somebody make a reference to The Notebook, The Vow, and Talladega Nights in the same paragraph. Probably never.
2. Jerry Maguire
What if you realize that your spouse doesn’t complete you after you watch this movie? I’m not even married and I’m scared of that possibility. The fact that it also stars Tom Cruise doesn’t help since apparently he’s pretty good at the whole marriage-ending-thing.
3. Definitely, Maybe
Good movie even though it stars Ryan Reynolds. But let’s be real, his daughter’s comprehension level is outstanding. That’s neither here, nor there. At the end of this movie his daughter convinces him to attempt to get back with the woman he loved more than others. What if I’m watching this movie and realize that though I’m married, there’s really another woman who’s had a lock on my heart forever. Then I look at my wife and realize that you only live once (that’s the motto, homey, Y.O.L.O.). Better hope one of those attorney commercials doesn’t come on. Two signs at once? Too many.
4. Sweet Home Alabama
“Nobody finds their true love at 10.” Or whatever age they realized they were true lovers. Or do they? And what if you went about your life and became somebody important only to go back home, spend a day at the dog cemetery, and find a great blown-glass store that was inspired by you created by the love of your life. Wouldn’t that make you rethink your entire life? That’s what I thought. Even if your new fiancee is a pre-Grey’s McHotty.
If this movie doesn’t help you out the door, you’re there for life.
What other movies do you think may help end your marriage??
By the way, I’d like to thank R. Kelly for his attempt to kick dirt onto the manipulative melodrama that is The Notebook. The movie just wreaks havoc!!!