a friend and I are trying to decide if we should have sex or not. Tension is high, known each other for 10 years, he says he's afraid it would change our friendship in a negative way. He isnt ready for commitment but he acts like he really, really likes me, very protective, attentive, have a blast together what to do?
Dan Seitz answered this question on
September 6, 2011 3:35 PM
I'm getting the sense you want commitment. If you want that, and he doesn't, he's right: this isn't going to end well.
Keep him as a friend, definitely, but settle the matter by telling him how you feel and why you think it won't work out sexually. Then, look for a guy who can give you what you want.
I know men can be relentless when they are sexually attracted to someone, but why does he get to have it his way or no way? He's telling you he wants to F you but not date you? Lame.
Depending on if you can handle it, I'd say: if you want a F-buddy go for it, but don't expect him to fall in love with you afterwards.
Hmmm, according to the questioner, he's worried if he "F"'s her, it would negatively affect the friendship. So, he wants neither, right now.
I'd say, seriously evaluate how you feel about your friend. Would you truly be satisfied in a FWB situation, or do you have romantic feelings? If not now, you think it is possible you could fall for him? I must agree with RP, it sounds like you wouldn't mind if you guys became more than friends.
Once you've sorted your feelings out, talk to him about what he feels. It already sounds like you have an awesome friends with many of the characteristics that make a good BF. The fact he's concerned about the friendship speaks as a true friend.
Obviously if you both realize you have feelings beyond friendship for each other, then go for it!! Otherwise, keep it platonic. Your friend places a very high premium on the friendship. He's also wise because he realizes FWB situations can and often do end bad. Usually one person does develop feelings and the other doesn't and that's where the ugliness comes into play.
Genuine, true friends are hard to come by, and male/female friendships are even rarer.
Just went through this with a wonderful guy friend of 8 years. We talk for hours on the phone and are completely in sync when we're together. We both were crystal clear about the fact that he didn't want a LTR with me (there's a big age difference) and I knew it didn't make sense for me either. We had long discussions and emails about how I didn't want sex without a commitment and he didn't want a commitment. But after we spent four perfect days together, we decided that maybe we could do a FWB thing and we slept together. He was really concerned that it would damage our friendship but I promised him it would be okay. In fact, he just wanted to "snuggle." But I insisted on the whole enchilada. Because I was so focused on convincing myself that I couldn't get too "into him" during sex (because of the commitment issue) I completely shut down and the sex, which should have been spectacular, fizzled in a big way. We've spent the last two months trying to get back to "normal" and we're not there yet. It didn't destroy our friendship but it definitely threw it for a loop. I understand the urge to act on the sexual tension but I'd caution against it. Think: snuggling.
i wouldn't do it. what do you do? take control of your life and decide what you want it to look like. why does he get to call all the shots here? i'm with zencomic and RP on this one. there's lots more people in the world than your friends to do the roll with.
My best male friend recently helped feed the fire to try to get me in the sack again - and he almost succeeded. It had been attempted before, but when we weren't as close. My situation is a little different, since the question-asker has a man who is openly concerned about consequences and is discussing it with her. Mine just did as he pleased with either no foresight or no concern for my feelings. You shouldn't put on your shoes if you don't intend to dance.
Um, did I miss somewhere in the question where the OP said he's trying to force himself on her or even wants to date her?
Perhaps, I had a stroke, or I was shot in the head without my knowledge, but, what I read in her question is he is very concerned about how having sex could negatively their friendship. I freely admit to being weird, but even so, this sounds like restraint on his part as well as concern for her feelings, not at all like someone who "get to call all the shots here".
Why is her male friend getting flak? Neither one should be getting flak because neither one is acting or had acted like a jerk. I see here nothing beyond a woman who is confused about feelings towards a male friend, she cares a great deal about him, maybe even has romantic feelings. Her friend, either from personal experience or witnessing it, is RELUCTANT to have sex with her, OUT OF CONCERN FOR THE FRIENDSHIP. In a world where men are known to say or do anything to get into a woman's pants, this sets him apart in a very positive way!
Hi, I'm the poster of this Story. My friend is a very straight up and honest person, he is very direct with me and has always been an amazing friend, we spend hours talking about this because the tension between us has gotten to a pretty intense place. We never spend time alone indoors always meet somewhere out and in public. But when we are in the car alone touching does take place and it has gotten pretty intense on one occasion. He says to me that he see's me as a person who deserves a man who wants to commit and be with me all the time, that I am smart and beautiful and have my shit together and have a great job and that I am sexy and he sees the way men look at me and that I am a good person, he sees my vulnerability and says he wants to protect me and that he worries about me. Says I should hold out for a commitment, which he cannot give me right now and says that being with him would be settling because he is still sowing his oats. He says he is very attracted to me and would love to have sex with me but he says he just isn't in a place in his life where he wants to be submitted to anything, and that he doesn't want me to get hurt when he keeps seeing other women. some days he talks like he is thinking about being in a relationship with me, says I should have a child, and that if I want one, we could have one together because he thinks I would be a wonderful Mother....(I'm in my 40's, he in his late 30's) and that he wants one too. That we have great communication and chemistry and that he has never cared about anyone like me. I know he has feelings for me, but he is still out there playing the field. I sometimes wonder if he is scared of me, but I think that is an excuse women give men when they don't want to commit. LOL I have been in a place where I do not want a relationship, I am enjoying being single and have been cool with the single thing. I haven't had very good luck in relationships in the past and right now I am enjoying not having to put on the girl show for a full time man...Always looking great, being able to be comfortable and relaxed on my own without some guy wanting me to cook something or go somewhere or call to check in or make sure my arm pits are always shaved or that my toes are always done. Sometimes a girl just doesn't feel like putting on the girl show!! LOL I must admit though that he makes me want to be in a relationship or maybe try to be in one, But I worry that I have the mentality that likes the heat of the beginning of a relationship but doesn't like the long term rut part of it....I know I'm all over the place. I get the impression that both of us are confused and very sexually attracted to one another which is a terrible mix. Anyway, I'm still thinking about it and we are getting together on Thursday or Friday for my birthday to hang out. Not sure what is going to happen every time I think I have made up my mind, I change it. Yes I'm gonna do it.......No I change my mind I'm not going to do it....Still confused but your advice helped. Thanks
Hi, I'm the poster of this Story. My friend is a very straight up and honest person, he is very direct with me and has always been an amazing friend, we spend hours talking about this because the tension between us has gotten to a pretty intense place. We never spend time alone indoors always meet somewhere out and in public. But when we are in the car alone touching does take place and it has gotten pretty intense on one occasion. He says to me that he see's me as a person who deserves a man who wants to commit and be with me all the time, that I am smart and beautiful and have my shit together and have a great job and that I am sexy and he sees the way men look at me and that I am a good person, he sees my vulnerability and says he wants to protect me and that he worries about me. Says I should hold out for a commitment, which he cannot give me right now and says that being with him would be settling because he is still sowing his oats. He says he is very attracted to me and would love to have sex with me but he says he just isn't in a place in his life where he wants to be submitted to anything, and that he doesn't want me to get hurt when he keeps seeing other women. some days he talks like he is thinking about being in a relationship with me, says I should have a child, and that if I want one, we could have one together because he thinks I would be a wonderful Mother....(I'm in my 40's, he in his late 30's) and that he wants one too. That we have great communication and chemistry and that he has never cared about anyone like me. I know he has feelings for me, but he is still out there playing the field. I sometimes wonder if he is scared of me, but I think that is an excuse women give men when they don't want to commit. LOL I have been in a place where I do not want a relationship, I am enjoying being single and have been cool with the single thing. I haven't had very good luck in relationships in the past and right now I am enjoying not having to put on the girl show for a full time man...Always looking great, being able to be comfortable and relaxed on my own without some guy wanting me to cook something or go somewhere or call to check in or make sure my arm pits are always shaved or that my toes are always done. Sometimes a girl just doesn't feel like putting on the girl show!! LOL I must admit though that he makes me want to be in a relationship or maybe try to be in one, But I worry that I have the mentality that likes the heat of the beginning of a relationship but doesn't like the long term rut part of it....I know I'm all over the place. I get the impression that both of us are confused and very sexually attracted to one another which is a terrible mix. Anyway, I'm still thinking about it and we are getting together on Thursday or Friday for my birthday to hang out. Not sure what is going to happen every time I think I have made up my mind, I change it. Yes I'm gonna do it.......No I change my mind I'm not going to do it....Still confused but your advice helped. Thanks
Your story sounds scarily familiar. We kissed, hugged, held hands and stayed up until all hours of the night...congratulating ourselves the next morning on our superior willpower to resist what we knew didn't make sense for us. And then there was a hug that was a little too long, followed by an amazing kiss (then another rational discussion) and then we made the mistake of having sex. I think all of the conditions will be perfectly right on your birthday for sex to happen with your wonderful friend and I think you'll regret it unless you're both on the same page. (You're already reading the same book but I think the same page is the important part;-)