Guys do want hte "cool" girlfriend, but we also (I understand this will be confusing) are conditioned to believe that if a chick is interested, she will do woman things and let her feelings be known.
Here's a perfect example. I met this young lady once and I had an interest. But she acted TOO cool. She was completely anti-vulnerability, as cold and detached as she could be while still wanting to hang out and whatnot. I had no clue if she was interested at all and her behavior just became puzzling to me. It backfired on her because eventually she told me that she was indeed interested, but by that point I'd moved on because I couldn't read her at all.
So yes, we don't want to be nagged and smothered, we do appreciate our women being women and being concerned and showing us emotions etc. It's how we are able to measure progress.
I know this all sounds ridiculous and even writing it out I realize how confusing it can be. But the fact is, if you're just a "cool" chick by nature, then fine. But the fact that you're making an effort might mean that you're overdoing it because you're doing the opposite of what might seem natural. Which could be why its backfiring: overcompensation.
So really chica, just do you. Cliché as that sounds, its true. There's a guy out there who's looking for your brand of personality. Don't spoil that by trying to be a different brand.
such a great answer, thanks BFF. i am not the asker but as i read it, i thought i could be. totally. just came home from some time with the girls and they were all dishing me about how i'm too much the guy sometimes. not the first time thats happened. BECAUSE i have found myself trapped in this heap of overthinking that exhausts me so i redirected but am sometimes maybe too much so. the guy i'm dating is self professed shy as well, which doesn't help so to say things are percolating slowly is a bit of an understatement. it's kind of fine with me though, for me the cool girlfriend thing has a lot to do with being guarded as well. but you're right, just be yourself. you should have linked back to your blog on trusting yourself at the same time cuz that's pretty much the crux of it i think lol
Guys do want the "cool" gf, like he said, but if you are being too "cool" then how would/ will he know if you are interested? The way you are probably coming off to these guys is like the equivalent of a guy being stuck in the friend zone. You don't have to gush out your feelings all the time or even first if your not comfortable, but if he does definitely put in some input, let him know how you feel.
Being "cool" is a good thing. But it seems like you may be taking it to the extreme. Try to find the median. You can be detached and aloof, just don't do it to the extent that makes him feel like he's waisting his time and efforts. Show and tell them that you DO like them, spending time together, etc.
Being "cool" is a good thing. But it seems like you may be taking it to the extreme. Try to find the median. You can be detached and aloof, just don't do it to the extent that makes him feel like he's waisting his time and efforts. Show and tell them that you DO like them, spending time together, etc.
There is a difference between being cool and coming off as cold.
I'm not the question asker, but this answer struck a chord. I don't try to be cool or detached but certain emotions don't come easily to me, like jealousy and anger. I like to joke that those emotions just take more effort than I want to expend, but in reality, the way I'm programed my initial emotional responses to things that trigger jealousy and anger in most people, are guilt and sadness, and those emotions tend to completely close me off to the world. And minor jealousy triggers, like a cute girls flirting with him, elicit no emotional response. I have had more than one guy accuse me of just not caring. Which was far from true, but they specifically cited that I wasnever jealous and never angry at them.
I once had a guy tell me we were through because I wasn't falling in love with him at the exact same speed that he was falling in love with him. So we had to break up. I looked at him in... amazement/horror/ewwww. I thought to myself, did this guy ever get out of high school? I guess not. So I said, "Okay." Got up, walked across the street and around the corner and never looked back. In fact, now that I didn't have to spend the afternoon with him, I went and bought myself the coolest pair of grey suede lace-up boots.
Flash forward six months in another city. Ran into him in a bar. "Why did you walk out on me?" "Uh, 'cause you said I wasn't falling in love with you at the same speed you were falling in love with me and therefore we had to break up?" "Well, that was a signal." "A what?" "A signal -- for us to fight, and that would prove you really did love me." "What???" Patiently, like talking to a mentally-disabled child, repeats the line about fighting. "But I didn't love you."
For crissakes, walk away from these clowns NOW. Don't waste your time on them! They are and will always be forever locked into an early high school emotional time warp. My dog is more mature than these people.
I think the way people understand "cool" in this question is a bit scewed. I have been called cool by many men and I asked guys what it meant because I realized it had a specific meaning to men but I didn't know what it meant.
Being cool means being easy going and fun to be with. It is not separate from expressing your feelings though. For example lets say your are doing something with your guy and something goes wrong ( and life always tends to go different than we expect). By going with the flow and not getting upset because something didn't go quite they way you expected is easy going. That is cool.
At the same time if a guy does something you don't like speak up. Men respect that. HOWEVER, deliver the message with compassion and understanding. We are all humans and goof up. He will appreciate that A LOT. That is also cool.
Cool is not aloof and it is not pretending like nothing is wrong. Being this way is shut down, cold and quite frankly dishonest. You are not being yourself. What healthy mature man would want to be with a woman like that?
Be kind and speak your mind and you will feel better about yourself and get along well with your guy.
I have a slightly different take..
in the initial part of OP, this is learned behavior, not innate.
we girls are forced (books, columns etc) to think that 'display of emotionalism is MESSY and unbecoming'. which is fine initially, but it is not required at-all when the going is smooth.
the man I am with, when we met and he was about to go back for few months- I started crying- so hard- tears running down my cheeks. trust me I have NEVER EVER done such even on funerals etc. It was embarrassing and I thought he would just disappear after all the drama of soap opera. he did not- he does not expect me to be a MAN, but just a woman. Tears and shreaks and tantrums all are welcome. giggle. so it is OK to display, anger, frustration and also the bitchy put back -every now and then. In my opinion.
I think most guys can tell, or at least have a gut feeling, when a girl is being insincere/fake, and aren't attracted to that.
I'm naturally pretty 'man'-like, or so I've been told, in that I don't like to display every and any emotion, and I'm very independant (a little too much, actually). In my experience, guys dig the slightly mysterious and detached attitude those qualities give off, but here's the thing: in my case, it's real, not forced, and when I really like a guy I try my damn hardest to SHOW it to him, even if it scares me, because I know if I don't he'll eventually lose interest. Guys like a chase, but they don't like to chase TOO long.
From your question it sounds like (&I appologize if I got the wrong idea) you're forcing yourself to NOT show interest in a guy in order to get him to like you more, which is frankly a bit juvenile. Like Panama said, be you. You don't want a guy who only likes the facade you're putting up, anyways.