Hmm, let me think. Okay, I'm all done. No. It's not okay to set him up.
There's a legal name for what you're doing. That name is horseshit. No, wait, wrong one. Entrapment. That's the one. Entrapment. Horseshit is a different legal term.
Entrapment means you provide him the means and opportunity to screw up, then lure him into doing so. In the case of your ex, you created a phony online persona and then flirted with him until he responded. You don't say exactly how he responded, but whatever he did, the end doesn't justify the means. You initiated contact and egged him on, subtly and/or explicitly. That's entrapment.
Some people will argue that all's fair in love and war (and cheating), that a woman can and should do anything she needs to do to make sure her man is faithful. I don't agree. There is such a thing as setting up someone for failure, and it's no way to treat the person you care about, regardless of whether or not he ends up taking the bait.
Don't get me wrong; I don't condone cheating at all, and I've come down hard on cheaters in previous answers. I also suspect that you've fallen victim to a cheater in the past, before you started creating fake identities online, which explains your paranoia. That's normal, not psycho. Okay, maybe a little psycho. Just a pinch.
I try to have this philosophy: trust people until they give you a reason not to. That goes for love, friendship, all relationships. Give others the benefit of the doubt -- innocent until proven guilty. Honorable until proven dishonorable. When you set traps for your boyfriend, it's an assumption of guilt until proven innocent. You're putting his commitment to the test and waiting for him to fail. Would you want him to do that to you?
I'm much more worried about your psyche than about you being cheated on again. If a guy's a bum, his true colors will come through soon enough. When they do, you can give him the heave-ho with extreme prejudice. But if you approach every relationship with the fear (expectation?) that you'll be cheated on, you'll always be suspicious and miserable and waiting for the other shoe to drop. That's no way to go through life. Love's like doubling-down when you show an ace on the blackjack table: it's a risk, but you have to take it. You have to. Otherwise you're a putz.
I say forget the lame set-ups and just live and love until you have a good reason not to. Otherwise, I see a lot more angry break-ups in your future.
Great answer, Cary! Since you covered it all, I'll just add "Bravo!"
Yes, I think setting him up to fail and then throwing it back in his face when you "catch" him in your trap is a pretty low and underhanded way to treat someone you love. You do love him, right? You might try expecting the best out of him instead of the worst and see how much better your relationship is. You want to set this trap to see if he is trustworthy, but by setting this trap, you are proving to him that YOU can't be trusted and that you don't have his best interests at heart. Trust is a two way street.
Hmmm...I don't think it's quite "setting them up for failure", because the faithful partner would turn down anyone, fake or not, who was trying to flirt/hook up with them. What I mean is, it's not a situation in which one is doomed to fail. I certainly agree with everything else though.
Most guys cheat. It's only a matter of time.
That's why I don't date.
No! You're wrong. *Most* guys don't cheat. They want to be loved, appreciated, valued. Just like "most women".
Uh, no .. not entrapment... how about hunting for what you're looking for?
Men love women (certaain exceptions apply). Women love men (same exceptions).
Get over yourself! You set a trap, you're going to catch something. How would you feel if he'd baited the trap?
"most guys" DON'T cheat! Most guys want to love and be loved.
When s woman does this kind of shit, she makes us ALL look bad!
And before you write me off as some "ball-breaking", "man-hating" bitch... let me tell you something....
My Dad loved my Mum, no exceptions.
Didn't mess with us.
Loved and respected all of his children,.
I love men. Working with them, socialising with them... all aspects of them!
My heart was recently broken... I loved him, he thought I was play.. Then went back to the "ex" I loved him through losing,
I got played... not intentionally.. as Sass Jordan says "Love is not too Logical, Hearts are not infallible..." He wanted revenge (she was my social friend), I wanted to be with the man I saw first.
Love is an "all in" gamble. Stop stacking the house.
I say go for it, it worked so well the first time.
(How do I make one of those "eye roll" emoticons?)
Cary (and all) thanks for the responses to my question. I appreciate the candor, and insight from your experiences! I agree it looks like entrapment, and insecurity, and giving someone the benefit of the doubt is usually my M.O.
As he and I have been dating for just under 4 months, and talk every day since we met, I expected by now to have a deeper relationship, and though we never agreed to exclusivity, we each said that we're not dating anyone else.
Yes, I am paranoid a bit from being cheated on in the past, and I saw some vague signs, including some little white lies, but wanted to be sure he was ready to focus on me, and me alone. Between the time I wrote this question and now, I DID set up the fake profile on the dating site where we met (which rhymes with PATCH...lol), and this girl I created "winked" at him. He not only winked back, but wrote her an email, and "they" corresponded back and forth, for about 5 days, tentatively planning to meet for a drink. He asked for her number and provided his, so they could talk. (which obviously hasn't happened).
During this same period, I casually asked him where he thought we were going in our relationship, and he said "You make me happy" and when I mentioned that we might not have enough in common and should think about moving on, he said "no, I'm not going to let you do this. I want to be in a relationship with you". He volunteered that he "rarely" went on the dating site anymore, was not seeing or planning on dating anyone else, and while I waited for a call to confirm plans with him that Friday night, he said he "fell asleep" after work, and forgot to call me. Hmmm.
YAH. He needs to take Date Fibbing 101: Planning A Better Alibi
I never grilled him about what he was doing or where he was going, he just seemed to trip over his own stories sometimes. And, though, I haven't "seen" any evidence, I had a feeling in my gut, which I wanted to confirm as valid suspicion, as opposed to a bout of bad sushi.
I remain friends with him, but have put some distance between us, to de-bond from him and move on.
I don't want to be jaded, just need to put my emotional health first.
:)
Wow, I am not surprised at all with what you did and that your name is DivaGirl. You obviously have low self-esteem and serious daddy issues (both paternally and sexually). Perhaps you should seek counseling or just drop the bull crap?! Little white lies can sometimes be ok and I think you should take Reality Check 101: How to be a real, non-psychotic Individual.
Possible psycho-esque actions aside on your part, this guy sounds like a SERIOUS waste of your time. Why would you even consider someone who isn't 100% certain that they want to be with you exclusively? It blows my mind.
Totally agree with this advice. As a life-long (recovering) worry wart, I try to remind myself of the quote, "I have had many troubles, but the worst of them never came."
If you go looking for trouble, you're bound to find it. Give the guy the benefit of the doubt and try not to be so paranoid. That's no way to live. If he's a creep, you'll find out soon enough whether you bait him or not.
I feel like if you have to ask "Is this psycho?" then yes, it is psycho.
true
If you can't trust somebody enough to talk to them, and instead feel like you have to 'test his fidelity' by setting him up, you've got no business being with them. Your partner should deserve better than that.
Well said, hon.
Holy self fulfilling prophecy, batman!
Trust is a choice and it's clear this person is choosing not to trust. It makes me sad to see how emotionally stunted some people can be and what past hurts have done to their ability to trust.
When it comes down to it, you're letting your past dictate your future. The jealousy, paranoia, and hurt has conditioned you to behave in an unhealthy manor. I'd suggest seeking a psychologist to work through your fears and recondition you to be a better person. I can promise you that one thing you will have to do is learn to tell the difference between irrational fears (which lead to irrational actions) and what can be viewed as valid. Then you have a chance at being in a happy, fulfilling, sexy good times relationship :)
Methinks the gentleman has dodged an emotional silver bullet / train wreck.
I hate to say this but the aforementioned behavior is exactly what men fear about women and why they say women are crazy.
You're a genius, Cary McNeal. I hope your daughter realizes what a cool dad she has and asks you for dating advice when she's old enough. Or are you avoiding all thoughts of that for now?
I feel like everyone missed a pretty important question: Why was your boyfriend on this online dating site? Whether or not he responded to the fake account you made, why was he on the site to begin with if he has a girlfriend? Maybe he's not your boyfriend, since he's dating girls online? Or maybe you met him on the site and you'd like to be dating him? I don't know what the story is, but if he's on the site and you clearly know that he has an account, then either he's openly cheating or you really aren't in a relationship.
I don't know... while I certainly see everyone's point, the fact is that if he does plan on taking things further with this online "person" then he was going to cheat anyway. I mean, how easy is it to turn someone down online?? You can choose to not even say anything at all. I mean, holy crap. It isn't like she got him smashed and had some hot girl grind on him until he gave in.
Not something I'd probably do, but I don't see how it is entrapment. If some guy tried flirting with me online I'd tell him I had a bf, end of story. If a guy did this to me and I got caught trying to date this fake guy or talking about explicit things with him, I'd consider myself completely guilty, not the guy who set it up.
yeah...i did this to my bf of one year...but only after i had reasonable doubts and suspicions for many months...I did try to talk with him about it but he only blew up in my face and made it seem like I was a jealous bitch who didn't appreciate or trust him..however, he was always getting little texts from other women, chatting with women online as "friends", and the relationship was a rollercoaster ride so i suspected that each time he broke up with me he may have been cheating. However, he would always want me back after about a week or two with flowers and apologies galore...I just couldn't live like that for much longer...I needed a concrete evidence that he loved me like he said...I guess it is wrong and I later confessed it to him because at that point I wanted the relationship over anyway and wanted him to know that he couldn't get me back with the standard apology this time...so take it as you like...but the truth set this woman free and i'm not regretting it at all...it has helped me move on and be able to realize how naive i was to believe his lies...yes it hurts deeply but I am definitely going to be more careful and will note the warning signs of an untrustworthy man in the future...
Call it what you want but it's called being smart. If you don't agree you along with the rest can fuck off because at the end of the day you won't be there to help mend the broken heart that was caused all because I cared 2 much that you would think I'm a psycho entraping an idiot that just threaten to kill me.Sometimes you can't break up by the book because you fear for your life, so when you say shit you need to realize that what you THINK don't apply to everybody! And I dare you to put yourself in my shoes, until then STFU!!!!
I can't imagine anyone thinking you are a psycho.
I don't think it wrong at all I have to protect myself from these little boys we call men. If he can play fake with me then I have every right to play fake to, I mean really he needs to man up and take accountability for his actions. PEOPLE. get caught by investigation...and investigation is all I performed and thank God I did the childish man has no problems lying to me and I didn't lie to him he accepted my friend request sent me his number....and I play the part for a few mins and said you've been caught!! Where's the lie? The profile picture was of me but it was only my shadow. He's mad at me but not because of my fake profile but because he was caught redhanded and felt like a fool...