As they say, "God hates a coward." He hates a fool even more.
A lot of guys say or think they are not ready for a committed relationship because their life is currently in turmoil. They are idiots. No one knows what the future holds, that is part of it's charm. So waiting for some nebulous time when everything is golden is a bit totally stupid. That time never happens.
Having the guts to look at your situation honestly and dispassionately is one thing, throwing away love, or the chance of it, is quite another. Love happens when it happens, so grab it when it does.
I really, really needed to hear that, MM. I'd love to get back on the dating market, but often times, I keep finding a new excuse to sit on my ass. "Oh, it's not the right time. I don't have enough money. My ride isn't fixed." And all the while, I'm letting these insecurities push me away from seeing a woman who's really interested in seeing me regardless.
It's always one thing after another in life, really. You're in for the long haul if you plan on waiting for that picture frame perfect window of opportunity where love is convenient. I hope the guy who asked the question picks up on this sooner rather than later.
If anything...if you find a woman that you love who is sticking with you despite the fact that your life is not 100% together, then that means she'll probably be able to handle if you two have rough patches when you are a couple/married/all that.
I asked my neighbor why he never married, he’s 40. He said he wanted to make sure he had a good house, his car paid off & all the bills in order. I told him women want to be there on that journey with you. He said he never thought of it that way…
I love that! Guess I never really thought to phrase it that way, but it's true! I know for me, it's the building of a life together that is appealing. And then enjoying the fruits of our labor together.
A good relationship is teamwork, friendship, romance - all that.
I agree wholeheartedly with all the comments and MM's response above. Sometimes I feel that timing is just another sad excuse guys use when they aren't completely sure of the relationship.
Like Isabel said, if you find a girl that will stick with you in spite of everything, you've found yourself a keeper.
Ditto with the above people. It's easy to love someone when everything is perfect and there are no obstacles. It's when times are tough, when it's not so easy...that's how you know that person really loves you. Yes, timing is important, and people say "Timing is everything", but like everything in life, there has to be a balance. Turning away possibly the only thing in life that actually means something (love) is like MM said: foolish.
Also, silkysly I love your comment! Such a beautiful concept and so true.
Carpe diem, as they say! Perhaps also the little tip to look as good as you can, as often as possible is more crucial than you'd think. If you're confident because you think you look good, you're more likely to seize opportunities that arise.
I am the one who asked the question. I'm actually a girl.
Thanks MM for reading and answering. I completely agree with you, I just needed to hear that from a guy. I love a guy. I've loved him for 2 years, knowing his struggles, his fears, encouraging him to pursue his dreams and being there for him no matter what. He told me several times that timing wasn't right. We were never in a real relationship, we were "seeing each other".Timing seems to be a huge thing for him and apparently the reason why he couldn't commit. We used to live in the same city for uni and now we live 800km away from each other, but it's not like it would be forever or anything, the distance pb could easily be resolved. I just needed to know if that timing thing was a stupid excuse or if it was relevant. He's the kind of guy who had troubles with alcohol in the past (I know, but eh, nobody's perfect), who is a bit unstable in his life. Now, he's in a city that he absolutely hates (but thats where his family lives and where he found a job), and has found a girl that's just right there, that I'm sure doesn't know what I know about him (He knows how to be charming when he wants, and show girls what he thinks they want to see...). I feel like we don't have the same definition of timing anyway. He wants everything to be easy. The girl thats just right there, the job even though he knows he doesn't like the city he lives in. And I'm always in the background, there for him, available when he feels like it but because "timing" isn't right, he just won't commit to me.
To let you know what kind of guy he is, (it just happened 2 days ago so I feel like I need to share because I'm a bit hurt), we were on a "talking break", because he was dealing with a lot of stress at work, so I said "fine". I didn't text for 3 weeks (I'm not a big texter anyway), and when I wrote to see how he was doing, he replied: "Just got into an exclusive thing. Break is gonna be a while".
I quote. word for word. I mean I read this and I'm like: "Really? really? you just got? like what? 10min ago?, and our break is gonne be a while? like...."until I ditch her and I"ll write you so that you can provide me the attention that I need?".
You give yourself to a guy and you give him 2 years to figure things out...and to basically see that there are some people who genuinely care...that I was the one there no matter what he was going through and they just use you, and while you respect their privacy when they tell you they want to be alone for a while, what it means is that they want to be alone to be other girls and see if they're better than you. Great eh? sometimes it makes me want to vomit.
Sounds like an asshole!
Frenchie, your mistake here was giving yourself to him when he did not give anything in return. Even though it is hard to hold back when you really love someone, when you give everything to a man without any type of commitment he knows that he doesn't have to do much to get you. And when you stick around for years, "seeing" him without ever discussing where you stand, he knows that he doesn't have to do much to keep you. So of course he comes up with lame excuses like "timing". He knows that he already has you and all he has to do is vaguely suggest that you might be committed couple sometime in the future and you will hang on to that small hope. You have gotten hurt here and learned a lesson. Keep your body and soul to yourself until you find a man willing to give you his.
I was a back burner girl once too, ok so maybe a few times... it hurts but that's what he's been doing to you... Keeping you just warm enough in case what he really wants falls through. You can do better for yourself than this loser, sweetie!
Girl, you do not deserve that. There are people who are in isolation in prison who do not deserve that. You don't do that to someone you care about. At all. Ever. Drop that son of a bitch. And drop him hard. Fuck that bullshit. I'd be angry as hell. That is bullshit. Damn.
Do not feel too badly. You will make someone else a great girlfriend. But not HIM. Someone more deserving who will not put obstacles in the way of being with you... I totally agree with Snakearms. There has to be a give and take - not you doing all the giving and him doing all the taking... As good as you were to him and that last text of his, I would let your silence end it. Let him live his life wondering what happened to you...
My girlfriend often says the phrase 'We'll wait and see', especially pertaining to relationship components. And it's true, all you can do is wait and see what happens. There is no 'set time' for ANYTHING to happen emotionally. If you're in love, there is no 'set time' for a first kiss, sex, or anything of the sort. It just happens in the heat of the moment.
Just try and grab love when it happens.
Beautifully said, Mystery Man.
I'm really sorry you were treated like that. I hope you find someone better soon. Experiences like this can only make you stronger and wiser.
Just the inspiration I needed. Thanks, Mystery.
Frenchie, I am sorry that happened to you.
You landed a coward, it looks like.
Oh well. That's life I guess. thanks everyone for your answers, and thanks MM.
I sent him an email (lame, I know, but he never answers his phone, and he doesn't live in my city which makes it difficult to just show up at his door and talk). I said everything. Got it off my chest. You know how people have a go-to feeling when something like that happens? Anger, Fury...sadness. I usually am pissed but, in silence. I never raise my voice but I just say something like "I'm not okay with this. I'm open to talk about it if you want but, until then, I'm not available". I don't want to be the crazy person who insults him (even if I know he would deserve it). So my email basically said this: "I like you. It's been two years that I've liked you. It's my fault for making you think that having sex with me from time to time and disappearing was okay. I let you do it. Well, it's not okay. I'm sure the girl you're with is really great, but so am I. And I deserve more than that. We were close friends, and then the whole mess happened. We are attracted to each other, we get along, but we've never been in the same city long enough to actually try to be together and see how it could be, you and me. I chose you two years ago and I choose you today. I know it's complicated, but you know how I feel about you and you know that in two years, those feelings have remained the same. Now I need you to choose what you really want. Think about it. it could be great. But if you really have no feelings for me at all, if you really don't care, then It's over and that "break" is not gonna last "a while", it's gonna last forever. I need you to stop coming in my life and go. Choose what you really want and stick to it. I won't be the cliché of the French lover, the one you only call when you're bored or lonely. I have always felt that you were just scared of committing to someone, but that there was something between us. I might have been wrong. It happens. You tell me".
I know. I shouldn't have let him decide. But I feel better. It had to stop one way or another. I'm tired to be here, waiting for him to realize that I'm one of his best friends who is madly in love with him. And then I ask myself: Do I really want to date someone who always chooses the easy way out? I'm not sure. Anyway, I just needed to get it out. He hasn't responded. It's been 2 days. I need to accept that it's OKAY if he doesn't. That it doesn't really matter. Than in the end, I dealt with my feelings and there's nothing else I can really do. So yeah. Thanks again everyone.
Ahh....boys.
Sometimes I've wondered this myself..are guys giving me the "Too much is going on" line just because they aren't that into me? Or are they really just in a mess?
I took an Enneagram personality test and discovered I was a "4" - the Individualist. I learned that for me, nothing will *ever* be right. I will always be striving for something better, waiting for my life to be "in order." But as the other commenters said...your life is always going to be in constant flux. It is EXTREMELY hard to accept this when this has been your thought pattern all of you life. He definitely sounds like that guy. But two years is too long. You've given him too much of your time already, and you deserve better than that.
Seriously, girl, that is NOT saying "stop". You're telling him everything is your fault and that he is not to blame. F* that! He IS TREATING YOU LIKE GARBAGE! Wake up!
I've been through similar things, and you have to find your rage, and your self-respect on the way. He is stepping on you, and you're letting him, like he has been doing for a long time. Now you're letting him decide who you are and what's right for you, and you know better than that. So STOP IT. You're bigger than that.
Kick him where the sun don't shineth, and be the strong woman you are.
Love
Yeah well.....He replied. Told me he would respect my request of not coming back into my life only to take away little pieces of me. Acknowledged that I deserved way more (right) than what he could give me. That between him and I, he REALLY didn't want a relationship and that the one he was in right know scared him because he had no idea where it was going. That he wasn't bf/gf with that girl, just "exclusive".
Then he gave me the "It's gonna be hard but you'll find the one, you'll see, it's worth it when you find the one". How would he know? He's not even there yet. Anyway.
I just came to a point where I'm just sad. I don't want to be sad and I don't want to let his actions or words affect me. I don't want to. I repeat myself that 24/7. But he was the first guy I ever loved and the only one I ever slept with. I'm 25. I think i just need to feel whatever I feel. I just wish I had known better. And I lost a friend too. It's like, a double loss for me so....voilà. Thx for the answers.
Yeah well.....He replied. Told me he would respect my request of not coming back into my life only to take away little pieces of me. Acknowledged that I deserved way more (right) than what he could give me. That between him and I, he REALLY didn't want a relationship and that the one he was in right know scared him because he had no idea where it was going. That he wasn't bf/gf with that girl, just "exclusive".
Then he gave me the "It's gonna be hard but you'll find the one, you'll see, it's worth it when you find the one". How would he know? He's not even there yet. Anyway.
I just came to a point where I'm just sad. I don't want to be sad and I don't want to let his actions or words affect me. I don't want to. I repeat myself that 24/7. But he was the first guy I ever loved and the only one I ever slept with. I'm 25. I think i just need to feel whatever I feel. I just wish I had known better. And I lost a friend too. It's like, a double loss for me so....voilà. Thx for the answers.
First loves are the greatest until they are the worst. All of us lucky enough to experience it, then have to survive it. And we do - so that we can go on and find future happiness. You are entitled to be mourn but while you are doing that, you must go on with your life - he already has.
By the way, what he said about not being bf/gf with that girl, just "exclusive"' is exactly what a MAJOR jerk would say about a relationship that he is in. Not even worth making sense. Judge him by his actions.
Most importantly, it's up to you to figure out what you learned from this...
What a lovely day for a 2202328! SCK was here