Let me, first, answer all of your questions.
1. When men stop calling, we have a reason. Unless our thumbs have fallen off due to alien plague or gypsy curse.
2. It is hard to just say "This isn't going anywhere." It's hard because it can be hard to put into words something that can be a gut feeling. Or because it's gentlemanly (ahem) to be discrete and not say "I want to finger blast someone else." Can't you just read between the lines? Ever heard of "subtext?" The "subtext" of him not calling you back for a couple weeks could probs be "I don't want to talk to you."
3. I wouldn't say "psychotic." But women are so much more verbally agile than men. Can you blame us for wanting to avoid a debate that we won't win, partially because we can't explain that which we're feeling? We're action oriented -- we just don't call. Annoying? From your perspective, I imagine it's infuriating. But imagine feeling pressured to articulate feelings that you don't have words for. It's like Matlock versus Chewbacca.
4. Here's the deal: dudes can also be chickenshits. I have, in the past, often employed the "power fade," where I initiate a total media blackout. Just not returned a call. And I've done it because I didn't have the spine to face a woman I had started to date. Sometimes, I didn't have the heart to say the truth, that we just weren't working out. And honestly, aren't there occasions where the truth is overrated? I know that if a chick was not interested in me, just not hearing from her could be seen as merciful. I'm a fan of the truth, but not right to my face.
I've also just stopped calling because I was casually dating, and I could tell, out of the gate, that she had "commitment madness," which is the opposite of "commitmentphobia." Both social maladies are ultimately counterproductive behaviors when one's personal happiness is at stake. "Commitment madness" is total fidelity without actually getting to know the other person or even earning that level of seriousness. "Commitmentphobia" is an irrational fear of emotional impotence. I didn't call back because running and hiding was preferable to standing my ground and disappointing someone for not living up to their expectations.
Lastly, I've not called back because I forgot. Or was in surgery. Perfecting my robot suit? Writing an opera. Okay, okay. I didn't call back because, for whatever reason, I lost interest, found a new interest, or was just a flake. All of those are reasons, by the way. Lame reasons, but reasons nonetheless.
But I've reformed. What's your number?
Ha! Nice parting shot. It feels so evil...
"But I've reformed. What's your number?" CLASSIC!l LOL. I think its funny how we as women sometimes wanna make men out to be these complex puzzles to figure out meanwhile Im more confused by my 4yr old son than I am his father!If he stops callin its because he doesnt wanna for any reason I dont think it matters!My hubbs was in a car accident 2yrs ago & he didnt call me but barely speaking he made sure the nurse did!When they care they do those things & when they dont....they just dont.Im so glad to be "not single" for reasons of Im an emotional woman & if Iv given you the "goodies" more than once wetha you like it or not WE ARE TOGETHER!! So tell momma to set anotha place for me at dinner during the holidays! You wont just stop callin me because you got other plans without me having to pay a really good lawyer to wiggle a magic wand over my record!!..... now if you all will excuse me im gonna go make sure my husband has plans on callin me from work tomorrow.
I figured this out right around this time last year. I've also found it within myself to disengage my own interest if I don't get that call back. Hence, no more psycho bat shit crazy Megan.
Also known as tamming the inner beast. A skill set I too have mastered!
That is an excellent and well-articulated breakdown. Unfortunately, some women (and men) suffer from eternal optimism, as if their lives will play out like a romantic comedy, and that this is just a necessary and temporary intermission before the dramatic reappearance. Also, if there is an ambiguous or vague reason for lack of continued interest, that can often be more frustrating (and hurtful) to explain or to hear than it's worth.
But in this day and age of technology and communication, if someone even half-heartedly wanted to keep you in his or her life, there are lazy and lame ways of doing so. If a guy completely disappears off the grid, actions speak louder than words ever could.
So true!
...hmmm...I guess I'm one of those...
I went on a jag last year... serial dating. I said yes to a first date to anyone that asked. It was... interesting haha. I ended up dating a couple of really interesting guys and LOT of not so interesting guys. I did it to lose my own Commitment madness as before that, I had only been in long term relationships and had not "dated". I pretty sure I freaked some of the early ones out as I slipped in and out of my previous habits, and I got a couple of "fade outs", "black outs" and one really honest guy who gave me the best "thanks, but no thanks" speech I've ever heard from either gender.
I've also been guilty of fade outs and black outs myself... and you're absolutely right, sometimes it's just easier, regardless of how filled douchebaggery it might be. But, I will say that when I was honest and up front, I felt better about walking away.
yup. And after reading about 4 of these, I get it.
loved the advice!
So then what do you do if the guy actually has A.D.D. and is a really bad at remembering to call you back or even call you at all? I know that was a point blank question to ask, but I'm wondering if I have to be the one that calls more then him...
If a guy can't pick up the phone, send a text, poke a face, or write an email when he's in the courting phase, and presumably on his best behavior for someone he's interested in, then I don't think you can expect any better if things somehow develop into a relationship.
So, yes, you'd have to be the one to call him every time, but is that really something you want to maintain solely by yourself? It's not too much to ask of a guy to communicate with you when you cross his mind - don't ever let him give you excuses otherwise, because that's just a reason to walk away.
Uhm, run for your life?
That's a terrible excuse. My brother has a pretty severe case of ADD and it has absolutely no effect on his relationship. He's crazy about his girlfriend, and calls her faithfully every night.
If a guy isn't calling you, it's not because he has ADD, or his phone fell into Niagra Falls, or he had to take an emergency trip to Ghana...it's because he's really not interested. So why waste your time on a guy who doesn't appreciate all your awesomeness? Just move on.
Thank you so much for answering my question. Or questions. I get the 'If you're not calling, you're not interested' thing, but it's so frustrating. And such a waste of time, 'cause while you're thinking 'We have such good chemistry and this is going great', he's thinking God knows what, but not about you, that's for sure. I guess I missed the signals, that is if there where any at all before he disappeared, because we really had a blast the last time we saw each other. Or I did.
Anyway, thanks for enlighten me. :)
Moving on now. Moving on.
Preach!
I asked Mystery Man a similiar question. I love John's answer wayyy more by far. I feel it's better to just let it fade out, no contact whatsoever. Once in a while I get all pensive and angry but overall, I say good riddance. Chicks dig closure I guess, but sometimes that's not going to happen.
Seriously, I would have taken a text msg or even a post-it. Ha! I just find it so impolite to leave you with no explanation at all after you've invested time with this person.
john please call me!
rotflmao wow now that was funny.
"Commitment madness" is total fidelity without actually getting to know the other person or even earning that level of seriousness.
That's interesting. I can't imagine dating/focusing on more than one person at once, but then again if I spread my attention around, it'd be so thin that it'd be practically non-existent. Does that count as being a commitment madness sort of person?
What he means is that commitment madness peps are the type who want to insta-marry the guy at first sight; is already planning out how many kids they'd have, what type of car, house, dog/cat/lizard and already wants to take his house and overhaul it into pink, frilly insanity. Being the type who focuses on one person at a time is a good way to go. I don't think I could casually date, but then again, I've never tried so who knows? But I know a few chicks who, after getting the first date, are telling me how they're gonna have kids and be married in two weeks. It's a very.. scary thing to witness, and I'm a chick! Tho I've been told many a time that I think too much like a guy XD
Matlock versus Chewbacca? Haha, I will probably use this in the future.
But seriously, how much courage is needed to grab the phone and clean cut it? If things go out of hand, just hang up and then ignore her calls if needed. At least you gave her a clear message and if she doesn't get it, she is just fooling herself.
I'm a loner who hates the phone, I imagine I'm not the only one. So not calling would not be a clear signal for me. But "I'm sorry this isn't going to work out" would, especially if it wasn't expected.
I just find it ironic than men keep complaining about women being so criptic while they see phone silence treatment as a clear break-up, hehe. I guess we'll never fully understand each other, but that's ok, that's part of the fun :)
I am definitely of the commitmentphobia camp so this kind of stuff really doesn't bother me that much. I tend to need a month or more before I feel emotionally invested.
As someone who was recently "broken up" with in this manner, it suck a$$ and there is no excuse for someone to not have the common decency to give the relationship some closure. For those of you Sex and the City fans, watch the episode where Berger breaks up with Carrie on a post-it for the full rant. I could not ever put it as eloquently as Sarah Jessica Parker. This whole not breaking up in a dignified manner is seriously crappy. Appalling.
Yes, its true some men are chicken shits but some don't want to be hurtful. Its wrong but its a behavior that men can employ. So I just remember that if a man is really into you, you will know. Thats why I never get too sexually intimate before there is an emotional connection, its a way to protect myself and my heart. Its pretty basic, you can tell alot about a guy's intentions. If he wants to be with you, he will do whatever he needs to to let you know that.
try investing 8 months. and then getting pushed away with no spine, no reason at all. and heres the kicker. he was dating someone else behind my back!
ahh been there...gone through the same thing recently...together almost a year and he leaves my house with a kiss and a hug and the usual " love u soo much baby talk to u in an hour or so"
then i dont hear from him again for 3 months...wtf
but i didnt spend my time going over and over the details i missed or why hes a pussy for not even being able to end it in some form of communication...sometimes it is what it is no matter how much it hurts and u have to realize that and let go and move on...not easy but thats where im at...
Sorry to hear that... I too have just recently been through the same thing. I reconnected with a guy from the past (from like 20 years ago) and I spent hours on the road going to see him. He took his first plane trip to see me and we spent 24 days together. Two week later we took a cruise together. Okay he was more of a filler for someone who couldn't make the trip but none the less I truly cared for this guy. Any way we arrived back we Los Angeles on Monday April 5 2010 and we talked that day off and on. He sent me text saying how much he missed me. We talked on Tuesday April 6 and I haven't heard from him since then.
That has really stunned me, my family and friends that met him. I even Fed Exd him a pack for a Saturday delivery with 3 cards and a letter (Delivered Saturday April 10). NO reponse, not even a thank you...
That was very, very, very, very hurtful. Actually I can't describe what I feel but I have been slightly depressed and detached. I haven't stop living( I still have my swagger) but it has been hard because I don't know what happened.
I hope to never do this to anyone...