I think you already know the answer.
The problem you describe is one that 99% of people reading this question have had at some time in their lives. We've all been through phases where we can't seem to make a love connection. Like you, we've gotten discouraged when someone doesn't reciprocate our feelings, and wondered if we're being too picky when we don't reciprocate theirs. Maybe we are too picky, maybe we aren't, but if you're going to be picky about anything in this life, I think choosing a romantic partner is a good candidate.
You can't force yourself to love someone, and even if you could, why would you? Is it really so important to have someone in your life that you would settle for less? I hope not. People do it, sure, but relationships without a spark don't usually last. I'd rather be single than stuck with someone I didn't love with all my heart and soul, wouldn't you?
You can make yourself accept or tolerate or even like someone a lot, but you will never be able to trick your heart into feeling a true love that just isn't there. Trouble is, your heart will continue to yearn for that intimate connection you still don't have, so guess what happens next? Yup--you start looking elsewhere, and you end up cheating.
No, you just have to be patient like the rest of us, and you have to keep putting yourself out there, feeling what you feel and falling for guys you want to fall for, even at the risk of more rejection. That's just how love is: nothing ventured, nothing gained. Hold yourself back, protect yourself, and you will never find the love you seek, ever. You just have to keep at it, stay positive and believe it will happen someday. That's the only way it will.
Thanks for the question.
The one thing I needed someone to say to me 5years ago, instead of the
"you're just being shallow",
"you're just going for the good looking ones",
"Spend more time with the guys you're not attracted to, you end up falling in love once you see their souls",
and
"just give him a chance".
So much for the opinions of others.
This is one lesson you don't need to learn, because you already know the answer.
Thanks Cary ♥
i actually gave a chance to someone i wasnt that attracted to.....and now that I got to know him and we're together...... I think he's really really adorable.....go figure. lol
I cant agree more with the amazing guru that is Cary. But honey, heres an advice for all women:
Go for the guy who likes you more than you like him. Even if he aint the most good-looking, etc. Because in the end, he will be the one by your side. You may not like him at first, but eventually one day you will wake up and wonder why you never liked this amazing fellow beside you and everything will be clearer.
Throughout ages women have been going for the funny guy, the hot one, the playful one, when its the gentleman beside us that can truly make us happy by ---- being there for us, not judging us, and loving us for who we are.
You dont always need a spark. A fire can be lit slowly and it gets brighter, trust me!
Good luck.
isn't this the exact opposit of WG's advice?
How long do you recommend she stick it out in an emotionally one-sided relationship with a guy she doesn't want to be with? How much fun can she be having when she would rather be with someone else? At what point should she expect to wake up with this epiphany, suddenly feeling pure all encompassing love for this person?
What about the poor fellow who is committing himself to a relationship with the faint hope of reciprocal love.
This sounds flaky.
Well, with an estimated 100 billion humans who have lived, it had to happen once...
I may be wrong, but I'm assuming this "fall for somebody" is referring to an "instant" liking. It pretty much never happens that two people instantly fall for one another. I just wanted to add my two cents anyway: that's what "courting" and "wooing" are for, isn't it? If you like someone who doesn't like you back, you get a chance to non-creepily try and persuade them to like you. Take a risk trying to show a guy how much he could like you and take a risk letting the guys you don't like get a chance to show you how much they're worth. You don't have to be with anyone you don't like, but we should all get a sporting chance to be with the person we like.
The Wise Ass shows his wisdom again. We cannot, after all, choose who we are attracted to. Our DNA programs that for us. Therefore, all the pretense in being with someone you really don't find attractive is just that, pretense. Comes crashing down in the end. No relationship can endure, unless there is mutual physical attraction.
That said, sometimes it helps to examine why one rejects those who express interest. Is it genuine, "I'm just not feeling it", or, is it for silly stuff like "that toe looks funny" or "I don't like that tiny mole on his/her face". If its for silly stuff, then its possible that there's a subconscious fear of being in a relationship.
Otherwise, you just haven't found a guy who does it for you and you do it for him. Stand by your standards, and you will eventually find one. Or not. Either way, don't define yourself by relationship statuses, just be a cool person, living a great life, that could be greater if the right man comes along, but still great as it is.
Men get to fall in love "instantly" with someone new. Why don't we? I refuse to "take the time to get to know" some dorf I am not attracted to, period. If more women refused, it'd bring the water line up, ladies. Men don't settle. Neither should we. Telling women to wait and grow into love with some guy we don't like is like telling men to wait and grow into love with an overweight plain girl who has a smashing personality. Men would laugh you out of the room for saying that. Women should promote the same policy. Equality. Any girl who says otherwise is just that: a girl. Put down the Barbies, pull up your big girl pants and demand equal rights.
Yes, even and especially in love and when it comes to opening our hearts and legs. Hello?
Equality. NOW.
Excuse me but I am an over weighted girl, who btw has a smashing personality, and plain is an opinion. And I have boy friends and dates and partying out the wazoo. It is not settling if you find a thick chick. Maybe she freaking rocks.. same goes for thick guys. What you are saying is that women has the right to wait and not date the really amazing sweet bigger guy, and wait till some hot stuff douche come struttin down the isle.. and they have that right. You are not getting locked up for not wanting to date someone or believing some one is unatractive to you. I can tell you right now, having been with me and being friends with me, the guys in my life appreciate and treat woman better. They realize that size doesn't matter when it comes to how beautiful they are on the inside. Now I understand the fact that you have to have a physical attraction to make a relationship work, and that is not something you can force. But have you eve noticed that the more you get to know someone the more beautiful or ugly they get according to their personality? I think be friends with those people who you arent super attracted to, but who are desperatly in love with you. Writing someone off immediatly is just rude.
You have equal rights, no one ever denied you that. So stop shoutin your vogue is bible thumpin voice out and just enjoy life and the people in it, weither you are dating or just friends and let fate decide.
As a general rule, we men fall in lust 'instantly', not in love. True love, the kind that can be found in couples who been married 50+ years but still gaze into each others' eyes, can only come from getting to know the other person. And that feeling does require more than physical attraction, but, and I emphasize, some level of physical attraction is required! Regardless the many positive traits you love about your partner, you need to still have some feelings of lust towards them, otherwise you have the basis of a good friendship only. That said, people place different levels of premium on physical attraction; some have it as a high premium, others have it low on the list.
The TL;DR version, I agree with the rest of your comment. You should not, now, or ever settle. Settling is going against your very genes. That will never lead to a happy, fullfilling, and, lasting relationship, something, you may not be able to put your finger on it, will feel 'missing' in the relationship.
Thanks Cary...I needed that! Love your answers.
Cary's right. I 'gave it a try' once and it definitely didn't work. We were friends, he told me he liked me, but it wasn't mutual. But he just kept saying he loved me and other things like that, and I actually started feeling guilty and thought maybe I should just give it a try, because he seemed sweet. It lasted three days and that was already too long. It felt weird and uncomfortable and now we are no longer friends. Also, it turned out that even though he was nice to me, he wasn't a nice guy at all. He was just nice to me because he liked me, but really he was an ass.
You'll find someone who likes you back, don't give up on love :)