The rough sex was a little rougher than you expected, huh? Something tells me your experience is common among first-timers.
Rough sex can be a lot like parenthood: you think you're ready, but sister, you are not. (I always raise an eyebrow and snort when people tell me they are ready to have kids. Heh -- sure you are. Just like Custer was ready for the Lakota.) Rough sex is just that: rough. Primal. Ugly. And shocking if your partner really gets into it, as yours did. You saw his animal side and didn't like it. I'm sure that was frightening, and I can understand your trepidation now.
Frankly, though, it seems unfair for you to agree to rough sex and then hold it against the guy. Surely you had at least some sense of what you were getting into, no? It's like ordering nuclear hot wings and then being disappointed when they are too spicy to eat.
But never mind the before -- you are uncomfortable now, and that's a problem. Should you let it go? Is it a sign? I don't know, because I don't know your guy. Is he aggressive in other ways, or was this completely out of the blue? Have you seen this side of him before?
We all have a primal side. If you don't believe it, find the sweetest, meekest mother you know and tell her that her child is ugly. If you survive, be sure to come back and tell me I'm right. Anyone can be a beast if he sets his mind to it, and you gave your guy permission to release his Kraken.
If this is the one and only time you've seen him like this, I say let it go. He apologized, and you did agree to it in the first place. Hopefully he'll never ask you for rough sex again. But if you were already worried about his aggressive tendencies based on past behavior, then yes, it could be a(nother) sign, and not the kind you see at amusement parks or Chuck E. Cheese that read, "This way for fun!" or "Good times straight ahead" or other such bullshit. Proceed with caution.
The thing about something like this is that you have to talk about it first. You need to understand what you are getting into and exactly what he wants. That way you don't end up scared. I think you need to talk to him. Based on what he says then you can figure out if it was a misunderstanding or a sign of something more.
I think this would boil down to what was his definition of rough vs yours. Was rough sex just harder thrusting or was there hitting, biting, slapping and violence involved. If it was hurting or scaring you during you need to speak up and you should have had a safe word, my personal fav is "knock it the f**k off" If my husband hears that and doesn't stop, well lets just say he knows better then going to sleep near me anytime soon.
I agree with Cary, you can't really hold it against him especially if he apologized. Try to work past it.
Loves "If my husband hears that and doesn't stop, well lets just say he knows better then going to sleep near me anytime soon."
Can you give me your bf's phone number?
haha
Your "release the Kraken!" tag cracked me up.
Send him over here. I LOVE rough sex.
Knock the F**K off!!!...ahhh...just practicing...
My $.02: If he enjoys it that much and you don't think you're ever going to be into it, you should probably break up. Relationships are a long road and sexual compatibility is extremely important, and if you plan to consistently withhold a sexual practice that he loves, he will eventually start to resent you for it. He might even start looking for what he needs somewhere else.
That being said, if you don't like doing something in bed, you don't ever have to do it and should not force yourself to do it. Maybe you two are just not as sexually compatible as you thought you were. It's nobody's fault - variety is the spice of life!
If it was a one-time thing and he says it's not important to him to do it again, then add it to your list of "Things I tried but didn't like" and move on. As Cary said, he apologized for hurting you and you went into it willingly, so you really can't keep complaining that he did what you said he could do to you. You need to focus on whether this practice is a deal-breaker for either of you in the future.
I agree completely with you! Sex is REALLY important in relationships. I think people underestimate sexual compatibility because it seems superficial but to me being sexually compatible is just or not more important as being fiscally compatible and emotionally compatible.
Everyone's idea of "rough" is different. I don't think many would object to vigorous, athletic sex -- we've all had it -- but when it turns violent and painful and results in bruising, that's a different animal entirely. Some like that, which is great: to each her own. But as Bev said, you must be compatible with your partner.
You gotta talk it out with him. If you let your uncomfortableness sit there and fester, the relationship is doomed.
I couldn't agree more with Bev. If that's what he wants/needs then he will go get it, maybe not today or even next year but at some time in the future. You can't talk sexual preferences out of people, at least I firmly believe that.
Either you find a way of enjoying it with him, ease into it, set some boundaries around it, etc or I wouldn't hold my breath for the relationship in the long run.
Hi all. So, I asked this question a while ago (and I thought I asked it to JDV) but Carey, I do appreciate your response, as well as others. I'm not sure if people care, but this relationship is over. I take full responsibility for the specific incident, because we did agree on it and it's my problem that I was left feeling sick after it. It was hard to convey the full situation given the word limit, but part of the issue was that I didn't feel like he was sorry for what happened. There was just a moment during sex when I felt like things weren't just rough, but they were bordering on abusive and sadistic. And hey, that's fine if it's what you like, but when I talked to him about it (specifically when I looked him in the eye and said "no" when he had his hand on my throat), his apology seemed flippant, like he didn't care that he had honestly scared me.
Again, I realize I was probably in way too deep, but I decided things were over when, after our talk, he generally was rougher with me--not just in his actions but he started to antagonize me for what had happened between us. It was like the sex had flipped a switch in him so I felt like I had no other choice but to end things. I'm sure this kind of sex turns people on, so I guess I was just wondering where the line is? It's not that I didn't like the rougher sex at all, but how do you figure out what you are okay with and what you're really NOT okay with?
Sorry for the long comment but I obviously still haven't really figured this out. All I know is that I couldn't be with him anymore.
That takes courage, breaking it off when someone crosses your boundaries. Chin up, dear. You'll find the person right for you.
Lyla, good for you for ending it. You sound like a very smart girl who's in touch with her feelings and knows what she wants and doesn't want. I'm so glad you recognized when things with this guy had crossed the line. He may go find a girl who loves that type of thing, and good for him. You can and will find a man who treats you as you want to be treated as well!
Thanks for updating us, too. I love closure. :)
I totally understand where she's coming from. I too engaged in some behavior that made me uncomfortable afterward, so to get past that I just told myself that it was something I committed to, nothing I was forced into, and what is done is done. I was uncomfortable for a while too, but talking to my bf about it helped. The worst thing she could do is keep her feelings locked up and not discuss them. She'll just feel alone. I suggest talking to her bf if it's still bothering her, and agreeing to compromise the rough sex thing some kind of way.
Before engaging in BDSM with my bf I did a lot of research. Honestly, it scared the snot out of me. Fortunately, we talked about it before, established a safety word, and started slow. At no time was I afraid or in extreme discomfort, and I always trusted him completely. I have never had to use the safety word - he can tell if it's getting too intense for me.
You were right to end the relationship. You felt like something flipped a switch in him and he was being abusive all the time. You deserve better.
My bf is kind, loving, considerate, and affectionate all the time. When we engage in BDSM - we refer to it as "play". It's not how we treat each other 24/7 (although there are people who do). Because he truly cares about me he brought me along at my pace. And because I trust him completely when we play I'm often blindfolded and gagged - and that's fine, because I've never needed to use the safety word. He knows me well enough to be able to tell when the intensity is getting too much for me. You have to have that kind of trust, and you need to communicate before you ever attempt anything like this.
We all have our "thing" that we really enjoy, and that's fine. Oh, and the bf and I have "regular" sex most times. The play we reserve for a few sessions a month so it remains special.
When I was younger....i didnt like rough sex.I can totally understand and it was probably really odd and felt dirty...i remember feeling that and thinking my bf was a beast in bed...it was horrible.
But OMG our hormones are raging at 30. And they say a teenage guy is at their peak. Im 33 and now I prefer it on the wild side....well I love it and feel really close to my bf afterwards. So even tho you guys are the same age you guys are at different stages sexually. Dont blame him! I feel bad for him because he wants you so bad but cant have u the way he wants to. And u are sweet to be concerned about his feelings.
I think its just new for u and new is strange. relationships are give and take.....talk about it with him and discuss what u can handle and not handle in bed and hopefully you guys can meet somewhere n the middle.
if hes not trying to hurt you then what hes doing is totally normal. stand up for yourself but dont shame him.