"I love you, we're meant to be together, call me in five years, goodbye." Hmm, you really think he'll be upset by that?
No, I get it. I think. You want to step back, slow down and enjoy single life before you commit to someone for what you hope will be a long time. That's not abnormal for 22. On the other hand, I can hear your guy saying, "Wait. If we're stronger than ever and you see a future with me, why do you want to be apart?"
Maybe you're still trying to figure who you are and what you want out of life, and, if so, I think your instincts are right: that's the kind of thing that's best done alone. I'm all for relationships, but as I've said here more than once, you have to figure who you are before you can be part of a healthy, long-term couple. Or maybe you've been with this guy a while and just need some space. Maybe you want to travel, see the world, swim naked with the manatee or smoke opium with the sherpa in the Himalayas. Whatever the reason, if your heart is telling you that you need to be alone, then you probably need to be alone.
But prepare yourself -- no matter how you break it to him, he's not going to like it. It will feel like rejection to him, but you can't control that. All you can do is tell him the truth: you need time alone before you settle down. He'll want to know why you need it and how long you need it, so you might want to think about those things before you break the news. You don't owe him any answers, of course, but it would be nice if you gave him some.
Heh, I said "gave him some." I meant answers, but come to think of it, some parting pooty would be a lovely gesture. One for the road, ya know?
I have a question: you do want to be alone, right? He's not going to bump into you at the bar with another dude, is he? Because that would be super uncool. If part of your plan is to date around, you should tell him up front.
I wish there were a magic formula I could give you to make the news easier for him, but there's not. It is what it is, and you gotta do what you gotta do. Hopefully he's smart enough to let you do it and loves you enough to wait.
Wonderful advice wise-ass.
I am in a similar situation. Only I am the one waiting for my guy to figure himself out. It's very confusing, we're both almost 30 and love each other very much. We've been "broken up" for slightly over a year and yet we've been unable to go more than a few weeks without talking and seeing each other. Things have been amazing yet he still needs his time and space to figure out who he is and what he wants with his life.
Just be completely honest with him. Assure him that this is something to make you where you need to be in life to be able to take the next steps with him. If he truly loves you and you him, and this relationship is meant to be it will all work out in the end and he will wait...maybe not totally patiently lol....but wait for you to figure things out.
That's because you haven't really been broken up. Your story doesn't count.
Good response. I guess I would just add, how would you feel if the tables were turned? What if, before you have the chance to tell him how you feel, he comes and tells you the same news--that he wants to be with you "eventually" but not right now? Consider how you would react to that. That might give you some insight into how hurt and rejected he will feel if you tell him you want to remain single for a while.
If someone told me " Baby , I need to find myself... " I would tell them to go find the door and get the fuck away from me stat .
DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT wait around for some asshole to make up their minds about the relationship. What kind of fuckery is that?
And on that note, I agree 22 is very young... Just remember, while your out "figuring it out", he's entitled to date, be free, and maybe find someone more deserving of his time then you were.
I agree. WTF is I want to be with you, but not right now? Then you just dont want to be with them. If you really wanted to spend your life with someone then you wouldnt feel like they were preventing you from "discovering yourself". You'd want to grow with them- cause that's you know, what marriage is all about. She's 22.. What's with the marriage talk? Why not just be happy in your relationship?
It sounds like this person is one of those people who will never be happy in any situation. They'll always be one of those "grass is greener" aspirers.
By the way, I hate that phrase "settle down" cause it has the "settle". Why do so many people look at marriage as some sort of life cage? You should never view commiting to someone in such negative terms. Settle down= stop the energy, stop the fun... It doesnt have to be that way. Sigh. Maybe I've just had way more fun relatives or something. My aunt and uncle got married in an aquarium and toured the world with their children- Italy, France... the Galapagos islands. They certainly havent "settled down". Neither will I. I just want to continue having lots of fun with a person I love and make a family with them.
I guess my best advice is if this girl is getting restless with her guy then he's not the "one" (whatever that means...) for her. Its totally possible to love someone and not be right for each other. She needs to stop stringing him along and go do whatever that thing Cary mentioned with goats that she wants to do alone.
That's not what "settle down" means at all. It means to start a relationship, a home, a family... all good things, not the cage you talk about. Maybe you're thinking of "settle for less." I wasn't.
I guess you didn't mean the common connotation of "settle down" then. People commonly say things like I'm going to.....[have one-night stands/skydive/swim with sharks or another wild thing] before I settle down. When kids get too excited rinning around or whatever you tell them to "settle down". "Settle" is a term for resolution of some kind, and "settle down" is like a resolution of fun. Your connotation of settle down is more like "order up". Those are all things I'd love to do. i just would never use a negative phrasing like "settle down" to describe my life.
That is your prerogative. To me it is not a negative phrase, and I'm sure I'll use it again. Just a heads-up.
I've done that whole "smoke opium with the sherpa in the Himalayas" thing and I can say that it is totally worth it.
Great advice as always Cary! I would just have to add that you can't expect your boyfriend to wait around for you if you do decide to break it off for a while. Once you find out who you are and (possibly) realize that you want to pick up your relationship where you left off, he may not be around. Just like you'll be out doing your thing, he may choose to do the same and may end up finding someone else. I agree that you are young and need some space, but just make sure you are ready for any and all outcomes that this seperation can bring!
Good point, Kayla. She risks losing him by doing this, but if she feels she needs this, then so be it.
i can almost guarantee you will leave him. party. come back and realize it wasnt worth losing someone who you love so much as you say and he will be into someone else, whos just as into him and wants to be with him right from the get go
thats life right there.
why do people ruin a good thing when they have it? seriously. i mean, if this guy loves you and you love him, then whats the deal? although i realize that 22 is young, i also think that its EXTREMELY selfish of you to want to let him go to "find yourself" but want him back at your beck and call. it doesn't work like that, honey.
you need to woman up and let go w/o wanting your cake and eating it too. you better be ready if one day he decides to move onto someone else and you're left in the dark...alone.
Please, Riya, chill. I never expressed any sort of wish to have him at my 'beck and call'... I think when I said, "hope of reconnecting" it made it clear that it's a hope and not an expectation....
Honestly, I want him to go out and be single too... we love each other, but that doesn't mean we HAVE TO be together... there are other issues that play into this, it isn't as black and white as you're making it seem.
That's a horrible thing to say, by the way, "and you're left in the dark...alone." What, are you trying to make me feel bad? Why would I be left in the dark alone? I'm not a leper and this is the last guy on earth who will love me.
We're not getting married tomorrow or anything like that, but he doesn't want to let me go because he's afraid that I'm gonna get scooped up by another guy... but in reality, I think that we both need some time to be single in the post-college lifestyle... I think it will help us to figure out if we really are right for each other.
And no, Carey, I'm not really looking to date around... to be honest, I'm not sure what I want... but even if I do leave him, it's going to take me a long time to heal... my heart will be broken too...
... that's why this is so difficult.
(thank you for your advice, Carey. I respect your opinion and I'm glad you took the time to answer me).
Nuh-uh...if she decides to forgo the ''finding herself'', and gets married too young, she may end up becoming bitter and will end up resenting the one she's so into right now. It's important to be comfortable with yourself before you can really contribute to a partnership.
Just remember, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.
Experiencing single life is a wonderful thing, definitely. Just be aware that regardless of how you break it to him, he will hear 'I love you, but not enough to be with you'. He will be hurt, he will feel betrayed, and you are in no way entitled to expect him to wait around for you.
You're the only one who can decide what's right for you. Breaking somebody's heart always has consequences, so whatever you do, you've got to commit to it.
I think this is part of my problem, Mannon, not being able to commit to a decision.
I'm afraid to stay with him because I want freedom and to be able to focus on me during a trying period of my life (relationships require a lot of attention), but I'm afraid to leave him because I do love him so why would I throw all of the hard work and energy we've put into our relationship? Especially when everything is so wonderful and we're both so happy together...
If I leave we're both going to find other people and be just fine... eventually... and I don't want to stay just because I'm afraid not to...
But I just love him so much... I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to hurt either...
Do you see?? I do this every few days, I have these internal debates... I never think about it when I'm with him though.. only when we're apart... is that a sign maybe? A good sign?
I've read through your responses in this thread, and you do seem like you've got your shit together. And I understand where you're coming from; it's what my headspace has been like in nearly every relationship I've been in. The fact that he's your first puts a lot of emotional weight on that side of the arguement too, so that's got to be rough.
I guess the real question is the urgency of your thoughts and impulses. What are they telling you? There's definitely something to be said for listening to your instincts, they'll steer you right most of the time. Sometimes you'll just know when it's time to leave, well before you can even justify why. At the end of the day, as much as you might love each other (and of course you will, you've shared a lot) your first responsibility is always to yourself.
In any case, you sound both reasonable and intelligent, and it seems you're giving it a lot of thought. Even though you're agonising over it, chances are that some part of you has already made a decision, and the rest is you finding a way to deal with it. Whatever choice you make will be the right one, because your reasons are valid. As long as your expectations are realistic, I don't think you'll regret it.
I say do what you need to do. No regrets. We feel and think the things we do for a reason. If this is what you need/want, do it. If you question yourself, or let the other people in this chat, who don't know you or your entire situation, make you question yourself, it will only make it harder. Women have an intuition, and I think it is EXTREMELY mature of you to want to take a break, and go forth in your new adult life after college to figure out yourself. Of course you love him, but you have an urge see what's out there, and people should understand that. He will be hurt, but in the long run I think you'll both be happy, and who knows? Maybe you'll both sleep with other people and 5 years later realize you were meant to be. That actually DOES happen and I know people it has happened for.
Just pray about it, and do what your heart/instincts tell you. =)
Urf, that's a difficult situation. I guess the asker should just be prepared for the possibility that her boyfriend won't wait around for her, or be too hurt to reconnect. 22 is young, and she should do the things she wants while she can. However, relationships like the one she described are the best of the best, and the hardest to find, so I hope she's absolutely sure when she makes her decision.
Asker, I wish you the best of luck.
Sounds like she wants more dick before she settles for his. Theres literally no other reason she'd want to break up "for a while."
"There's literally no other reason"? Really? You can't even think of one? What must life be like lived in black & white, I wonder...
But actually, I'm glad you said that because it addresses one of the issues I'm having... I'm concerned my bf and I are sexually incompatible... he's been the only guy I've ever slept with and there are things that we just don't see eye to eye on.
I'm scared that the things I won't do will eventually lead to his infidelity or resentment toward me (years down the road) and I already feel a lot of stress about it, and even though he's never put a lot of pressure on me, it still stresses me out.
I think if he got out there a bit more (though he's had a serious relationship before me) I think he'd be able to make a clearer decision about how important those things are to him and what he can/can't live without.
I give him a lot (more than I'm comfortable with at times), but I have my limits because I can't separate emotions from sex the way so many other people seem to be able to...
No, I don't want to sleep around, you jerk, I'm just afraid.
I'd say you are extremely uncalled for and unnecessarily mean but you seem to already be aware of this (given your name), and you don't know me, so I would expect nothing less. But it would be a far simpler situation and I think if that were my thinking, I wouldn't really be asking for advice from complete strangers. Especially on a topic so intimate as my heart...
Oh well, if you're sexually incompatible then break up. That tips the scale a whole lot. You just cant plan to spend your life with someone who doesn't do it for you or vice versa. If you're too well, prudish/not kinky enough for him (you said there are things you just arent willling to do..not saying you're prudish in general, just more than him) then you need to find someone who fits you well in that way too. I know there are some of you who will say that my comment puts too much of a focus on sex, but I truely beleive that sexually intimacy is a microcosm of the facets in a relationship. If something is off in the bedroom... something has got to be off somewhere else. But that's my opinion, you can value it or not.
I can see why BluntAsshole would assume you want to sleep around. When men get skittish about commitment, its usually that they are scared and upset they wont get to "experience life" ie put it in lots of women, whatever. I kind of thought that would be the reason too, to be honest. Cause really, unless you're boy friend keeps you chained up or something, there's no reason you cant go take a trip to the mountains and smoke weird things. Relationships aren't healthy if you HAVE to do everything together.
Break up with him. Go smoke opium with a sherpa.
I sure wish I did.