I feel for you, honey. I really do. Unrequited love hurts like few other things in life, probably because there is absolutely nothing we can do about it. We want to think we can make it happen--weren't we always told we could accomplish anything we set our minds to?--but here's something we cannot force no matter how diligently we wish or work or wait. It's like the song says:
I can't make you love me if you don't,
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
The fact that you aren't getting dates makes it even harder. In the absence of other men, your thoughts naturally come back to your friend by default, and you might begin to believe there is still a chance he will change his mind. He won't, and you can't make him. It has been two years. You must move on. But you already know this.
My first suggestion would be to separate yourself physically from this guy. I hate to recommend this--friends are important--but if it's killing you to be around him, you have to break away just so you can get past this obsession. Maybe you two can be friends again someday, but for now, you need him out of sight before you can get him out of mind. It's not retaliation--it's for your own sanity.
Then I want you to think about this: your love is a precious and valuable gift, and should be saved for someone who will reciprocate it. I'm not saying your friend is a bad guy and didn't deserve your affection. You gave it freely, as you should, and he can't help not feeling the same way in return. What I'm saying is that all the emotional energy you are putting into this lost cause, all your hopes and wishes and tears, they're all little pieces of your soul that need to be protected and saved for someone with whom you might have a future. We offer up our love free of charge in hopes that it will be returned, and that is absolutely the right thing to do. But at some point, if the object of your affection is unable or unwilling to reciprocate those feelings, you have to cut your losses and enter soul-protection mode.
You've given this guy two years of your life, two years of your heart and soul. Enough. You must take care of your heart so that it will be healthy and unafraid to give love in the future to someone worth it. Someday, someone will give it back; save your love for that person. Don't waste the best parts of you on someone who will never feel the way you feel about him.
I hope you feel better soon and can get past this. Thanks for the question.
Being in the exact same situation, your answer brought tears to my eyes, i recently cut all connections with this friend, and it was a very hard thing to do, but i knew this is what has to be done to win myself back and actually move on.. much respect Cary.. and good luck to the asker, you are gonna be ok kiddo
hey,i understand how u feel...i'm 22 and i have never really liked any guy till some months ago when i fell for a guy friend. In my case i know he likes me too but not as much to get committed. I'm fighting to get over him and i keep telling myself i can do it but everytime i realize i'm making an effort he pops up and and says nice things then i get that hope that maybe things will work out and he'll like 2 be with me. But deep inside i know that is not going to happen.... cary is right,distance will do the trick.it might be difficult at first but try to keep yourself from calling and thinking about him and i'm sure you'l get over him with time....all the best n hope u meet someone who'l return your love.
I have a feeling if you get away from this guy and move on you will start getting dates. Guys can tell if you're Hung up with feelings for someone and they stay away. If you can honestly put yourself out there they will see and start coming around. Good luck.
Thank you so much for your kind, thoughtful and compassionate response, Cary. I really appreciate it. It made me cry but in a good way because I feel like you really understand what I'm saying. I am going to follow your advice. Thank you to the other commenters as well. I'm going to try.
The last thing I'll say. It just sucks that a four year friendship has to come to this. Anyway, thanks again for all your support and advice. Take care. I hope we all find what we're looking for.
I feel so bad for you =( The only way you will get over him is to get away from him. I was in the same situation a few years ago and after a year or so of dealing with feeling hurt all the time I just walked away and quit cold turkey. Erased him from my cell, e-mail, messenger, EVERYTHING. Made him non-existent in my world. I focused on the big picture and stayed away from him for nine months with ZERO CONTACT. Eventually I was over him, the feelings went away and we slowly became friends again. Ironically he is now my boyfriend but I am the exception, not the rule. That pretty much never happens and wouldn't have happened if I hadn't taken the time away to become myself again, the girl who wasn't feeling like shit all the time. It IS unfortunate that you're losing a friend but if you don't get over him you're losing yourself - what's worse? You can find friends anywhere, why be friends with someone who is causing you pain (even if it is unintentional on his part)?? Hell, I'LL be your friend if you need someone who can relate. Take it one minute at a time if it's too hard at first. Every minute away from him is one minute closer to being happy again. Good luck..
Same situation! Realllly hard to move on! Def plan on cutting all the connections with him but reallly hard!other guys would be good distraction fo sure! Good luck
oh man this really sucks my heart goes out. who hasn't been there and done that heartwrenchng journey. distract yourself as much as possible, i poured my broken heart into non profit work and when the time was right my heart was open enough to allow a fabulous man in my life who is galaxies ahead of the guy that broke my heart. you've learned that you can love without condition, and it is not a feeling that is finite. it doesn't stop at this experience unless you let it. it will return again, time really does heal. it sounds cliche but is oh so very true, you just have to let it. good luck!!
That Bonnie Raitt song... Thank God I'm no longer singing it.
Cary, you answered superbly
Thank you.
Hey, that cut my comments off!
Cary, you answered superbly
And "question asker" I hope you have found the strength and courage to move on. It is so hard to do. but you are worth it!!
I second this. :)
Thank you, Liz.
Thank you, Faye.
I have been friends with a guy for 2 years. We have slept together the whole time. He has said from day one he only wants to be friends. After a year, we decided to be roommates. I fell in love and everything fell apart. I got clingy and he got distant. We are still roommates and just signed our lease for the second year. We stopped sleeping together about 3 months ago. I don't really date. It's hard to go on a date & the guy ask about your male roommate. I don't lie to guys about the past with my roommate & me. So they always think we are still sleeping together. It is hard adjusting to "just friends" but I am trying. He is a good guy (or I wouldn't have fell for him, right?) and I do want us to continue being friends.
This is a wonderful response, Cary. I've been going through something sort of similar to the question asker as well and your advice in this response is something I'll come back to from time to time to help me get through it.
Great answer Cary! I am in the same boat. However, mine involves my son's teacher and I found out he has a girlfriend but continues to mess with my heart and head. I have also tried distancing myself especially because of the girlfriend. I considered changing schools, but it wouldn't be fair to my son. He has special needs and this guy is a great teacher and my son loves him. It's not fair of him to have her and make me think he is interested in me! I have to see him periodically because of school, but I am limiting myself to meetings when I have to. It has been 2 years for me also, and it will drive you crazy wondering does he, doesn't he? I hear that Bonnie Raitt song from time to time and it always gets me. Time heals all wounds so they say, I hope this is true. Good luck to everyone!