I'm truly sorry for your loss. Only someone who has been there knows how brokenhearted you are feeling right now. If I were there I would give you a big hug, but then you would say, who's this weird stranger trying to hug me?
Would anyone be interested in someone like you? Of course. What you're feeling now isn't depression, it's grief. Though the two are similar, they aren't the same thing, and I think the distinction is important. You are grieving a specific tragic event; you will get better, but it will take time. Until then you can't just stop living. You can't lock yourself away in a room somewhere until you feel better, like they used to do with women who were menstruating.
Yes, some guys will be put off by the fact that you are in a sad place right now. Some people can't handle serious moods or topics; others won't know how to react to you. If you feel so bad that you can't stop crying, you should probably wait a little while longer to date. Otherwise, go out and try to have fun. It will help. All you can be is yourself, right? It's like any other time: you'll have chemistry with some guys and not with others.
Have any other readers been in this situation? Any advice on dating while grieving? We would love to hear from you.
QA, again, I'm sorry for your loss. You have to start living again, though. I'm sure that's what your brother would want. I wish you the best.
Thanks for the question.
oh gosh, this is such a tough one, kudos to you Cary for handling it beautifully. honestly, to me four months doesn't sound all that long. my brother and I are extremely close, if I lost him right now dating would be the last thing on my mind. dating in June would be the last thing on my mind. he's always invested in me though and when I say close, I mean I tell him a LOT. not everything of course, but he's truly a protector in my life due to things he has learned AFTER the fact from a really bad situation I was in. like, for example, he currently screens a specific email address I have that is dedicated to my ex becuase the ex uses it exclusively for hate and abuse mail and i just pass that chore off to someone who has more tenacity to kick his ass if needs be. i am digressing, my point is, it would be very sad for me to start dating without being able to talk to my brother about it. don't know how close you were with yours, but I think you are okay taking a little more time to just be sad right now. i did lose my dad a few years ago, but and that's a whole other show as well as Oprah would say, i was already with someone and so that helped. I can't see that I would have started dating new again during that period. it sort of sounds like you were close, as you are lonely now. He is still with you. but don't start dating now just to fill that void, because nobody ever will. And anyone you seek right now to fill that void may not last. you can escape the loneliness with your girlfriends or a new hobby. Maybe even join a club that he would have joined or that would have honored something the both of you would have enjoyed, and grieve him that way. You might even meet someone.
But no, you are not depressed, you have reached a level of sadness that is difficult to relate to, and it is very deep and very dark but unlike depression that never ends, your sadness is a tunnel, you just need to walk your way to the end and that just takes time. You will get there. But honestly, my advice would be to wait, and not consciously seek dating out. When I'm not looking is usually when I meet the greatest guys, but right now, you just need some you time to get through that tunnel. You may or may not meet someone along the way to help you get through it, but when you do come out that other side, you will be in a much better place to assess the chemistry levels between you and any new interests. Best of luck to you.
I agree with Chrissie, in that maybe you should wait a little longer.
My dad committed suicide last year, and I tried to fill the void with many different things, although I didn't necessarily realize it at the time. In the few months following his death, I started a new job, started a serious relationship, slept around a bit, restarted school while still working almost full-time, and went out and partyed way too much.
In my mind, I was just out and living my life. I was kind of pissed off at my dad, so I was trying to prove to myself that I wasn't going to let his "decision" (put in quotations because he was very unwell, I know the "real" him would never have done that) prevent me from doing what I wanted to.
However, I made a lot of decisions during that time that I would never had made otherwise. I started dating a coworker, which was a bad idea from the start. We were not at all made for each other.. like at all. But I just jumped into something really serious to get my mind off of things, and I ended up really hurting the guy, not to mention making things at work really awkward.
Then I slept with random guys or friends, which I also regret, and would not have done normally, either.
I don't know, I think every situation is different. Personally though, I know I was very messed up after what had happened (rightfully so), and I was just using any excuse to have something to focus on OTHER than those messed up emotions. When in reality, I should have sorted myself up beforehand, because avoiding said emotions ended up really badly (I had a major breakdown a few months later).
That's just my personal experience though. Maybe seeking out some casual dates for company isn't always a bad idea, who knows. My only advice would be to take things SLOW and not jump into anything serious, because that's unfair to both you and the guy.
If I were to relive my own experience though (God forbid), I would have tried to focus more on MYSELF. &Used my hobbies as a healthy way to cope (I've come to realize that nothing eases my built-up emotions like writing them all down & then going for a nice long run) And would have accepted that I didn't have to be strong all the time.
Also, I'm very sorry for your loss. And things do get better, I promise.
My heart goes out to you.
Cary's right. Grief and depression aren't the same thing at all, even though they may look the same to someone who's never been there. What you're experiencing now is deep sorrow, which is probably manifesting itself in many ways, some of them unpredictable. Four months is a very short leg of the journey you're on, which you probably don't want to hear. I know I didn't.
In my life, I've lost my brother, my son, my husband, and my father, as well as many other people dear to me. Losing someone you love hurts, big time. It puts you in a dark and lonely place that sometimes feels like there's no way out. And, especially if you and your friends are young, it feels like no one can really understand how much you need safe, supportive companionship. For me, anyway, the concept of "fun" was pretty foreign for quite a while. It does come back, though, and you'll know when you're ready.
In my experience, grief produces finely honed radar for finding people who are good to be around, usually people who are experienced with, and comfortable around, profound loss. They are out there. They may not be date material, but they will provide compassion and patience as you begin to resurface.
I'm the one who wrote it.. thank you all for being so compassionate, it mean's alot even thogh I don't know you all. You are right, i guess i am trying some way to fill the void, and in this time I have had my moments like yours, doing things i wouldnt otherwise do. It's just really hard whenever I need someone to get my emotions on either stay quiet or feel awkward to talk about it. I just want someone who understands and can comfort me once in a while. But you are all right, I need to focus on myself first before I can get into a relationship. to both of you my heart also goes out to you, I know how hard it must be, but it's nice to know there are people who understand. God bless all of you. and thank you very much cary.
You're welcome. I say if you feel like going out, go out. If you feel like talking about it with your date, talk about it. Do what you need to do to feel better. If the guy can't handle it, that's okay, too.
I suggest taking some time. It's natural to want people to be around, and you feel particularly lonely at this time... but allow your friends and your family to comfort you, not put that pressure on a new guy. Really, the time isn't so much for a potential new guy, it's for you to get back on your feet first.
A little late but I hope I can still help. In 2006 I lost my best friend-my brother. There was no one that could separate us. He was 19 when he died in a car accident. I wanted to be with someone because I felt it would be nice/easier to be able to talk to someone who didn't know my brother. I kept getting the same answers from everybody "Only time will heal you" "I understand your pain"...Although they were great words of remorse I wanted to be able to connect with someone else. I guess someone to just listen. It was suuuper hard and in fact many males I seeked a connection with made me feel worse because they werent ready for what I was going to throw at them. I think you have to heal yourself first before looking for someone else to heal you. You will not be prepared for the disappointment and I can reassure you will feel like you're walking backwards. Instead of feeling better, you'll feel more sad. Again, it is my personal experience and it is not the same for everyone. I am sorry for your loss. -J