I know some guys will tell a woman that they respect her desire to wait until marriage for sex. In fact, we respect the restraint as much as we respect the principle.
However, for most men, it is the dealbreaker of all dealbreakers.
Men have ugly needs. It is what it is. So even though a man would want to wait on you because he loves you, his desire for the carnal pleasures would probably trump his desire to date you. And if you made it known upfront, you'd never date him in the first place, especially if you're both grown and consenting adults. Now this is no knock on you. If this is something you chose to do, that's great, but you must deal with the fact that most people over age 21 have engaged in sex and intend to continue doing so.
Sidenote: By waiting until marriage, you do mean that you're a virgin and not a woman who's had sex, but thinks she found the man of her dreams and wants that wedding night to be special, right? Because that is bullocks and you need a good talking too if so.
The fact is, for most men who have experienced sex before, it is a basic need. You'd serve yourself best by joining a board for virgins and lurking there for love. The guys there are only out for one thing too, but they'll definitely wait longer for it.
I also want to point out that if you do not intend to engage in follies with your potential boyfriend, you should probably bring that up early in your dealings. That movie non-sense where he's fallen in love with you and will wait is just that, non-sense. Unless you want him to partake of lots and lots of internet pr0n and/or cheat, you may as well give him the information up front so he can make a decision. Just an FYI.
"You'd serve yourself best by joining a board for virgins and lurking there for love."
Wowzers, Where does one find a board for virgins ? Are any of these boards non-church related ? I am 24, and I have my V-card for practical reasons, it's a luxury I can't afford... can't afford to have a baby, can't afford valtrex etc...(I'm a grad student) I am not waiting for marriage because I am not sure if I want to get married, I am waiting for a serious relationship. How do you tell a guy that without him going warp speed to "serious" status in order to get in your pants ?
My last bf broke the 4th wall by telling me that he rather I did not say we weren't going to have sex ,because the hope that we might was better then the certainty that we wouldn't. What's a girl to do ? Do I say yeah I never had sex ,but there is a very slim chance we might have sex ? Would that make me a tease ? I know this response was longer then the initial question and your answer put together, but this is an issue that has been weighing heavy on my mind. Do virgins even have the right to date ? After my last relationship I just benched myself , it's like dating is a full contact sport and I am playing tether ball.
Of course virgins have the right to date. But I do think that if you're over a certain age, say 21, and you have no intentions of sleeping with your mate, you probably should let them know. And you should say that, "i'm not having sex." You should never provide hope b/c then they'll do whatever they can to see that hope into fruition.
I've seen two virgins meet up and get married. One of my closest friends was a virgin late into his 20s. He just never told any of his chicks that (he kept running some game about them all being special until he finally just did the do - I'm guessing she figured out he was a virgin after that).
I really wish I knew exactly what to tell you. But sex is important in grown up relationships. If you aren't going to do the do, then you shouldn't be dating people who expect it.
Annalillia, I'm kind of in the same boat with you. When I was younger it might have been about marriage, but now it's really just about the right guy and I'm certainly not about to give it up to some douche for the hell of it.
PJ, when is the right time to let the guy know though? A couple dates in? When things actually start getting serious? I would never want to deceive the guy but if I could really see myself giving it up to him... then it's not really true that I would *never* have sex with him.
This is really a tricky one. I mean, it's your body and you can do--or not do--whatever the hell you want with it. But when you live in a society where at least 80% of people are fine with premarital sex, you're making your dating life much more difficult by refusing to go along with that.
Which is not to say you should bend to societal pressures. But man, good luck; that's a tough road you're on. I consider myself a pretty enlightened guy, but if I found out a girl wasn't going to have sex until marriage, I'd have a tough time sticking around long enough for that deep, justifying love to develop.
After all, the act of sex, chemically speaking, is a huge part of the bonding process, and waiting until marriage to find out whether I'm sexually compatible with my partner seems like a set up for some serious dysfunction. Or I'm just a horn-dog; however you want to look at it.
I know I'm supposed to ask questions here, but I have two cents to throw in on this one -- it's a debate I mulled over for a significant time myself.
I feel the same way Swaim -- being sexually compatible with the person you're in a relationship with is significantly important (especially if you intend to wed).
Is it important enough that all people should change their values? Perhaps not (hopefully a person would find someone with similar values as theirs). But it is important enough for two people to maybe come up with some plan to overcome any incompatibilities after they've wed and realized they don't fit sexually (like, for instance -- maybe agreeing to be very open to trying new things). Neither party should be unhappy.
As a woman though, I'd also like to throw out there that there are clinics - like Planned Parenthood - that can help people come by birth control, appropriate medications, and family planning and prevention on a smaller budget. And if you believe in waiting for the right person, I think both of you getting tested is a good move for prevention. And I'm pretty sure this is free through the health clinic. All these things can help make sex safer for consenting adults should you choose to go that route.
If you want to wait, then wait.. Don't let anyone pressure you. You will find a man who is understanding, trust me. I decided early on that I wanted to wait until marriage to have sex and even though most men aren't virgins, I never gave up.. I met my husband when I was 24, he was 25 and he was also a virgin. We waited until we were married, have a great sex life, and have two beautiful children and our third on the way. We couldn't be happier. My advice to you is if a guy won't stay with you because of sex, then it's his loss. Relationships shouldn't be based on sex. My husband and were just fine without any experience.
I decided for personal and religious reasons to wait until marriage, and unfortunately, most men who are under the age of 25 or 30 will not want to...even if they say they respect it, they won't respect you enough to wait. I am still waiting for the right man...I have some potential ones out there finally, and yes, they are over the age of 25. Sad but true. But as I am now 30, I don't mind so much.
And where are these virgin boards you speak of, LOL?
I understand other ladies' desires to make sex special. However, I find something fundamentally strange with waiting until marraige to have sex. Sex is a really important part of an adult relationship. I wouldnt wait until i was commited with documentation to learn that the guy I'm going to spend the rest of my life with is not compatible with me in bed- and I would be sexually dissatisfied for my entire life. If I marry someone i want to know and love them inside and out, which includes sexual behavior.
I certainly dont sleep with guys on the first date. I wait a couple of weeks, but I'd never get committed to someone who I didnt know in entirety. I feel like there's a lot of nonverbal communicatio nand bonding during sex that jsut needs to be experienced before deciding if someone's right for me.
Out of 6 billion people on this planet (including about 3 billion people of the opposite sex, right?), couldn't we just say we'd be "compatible in bed" with those 3 billion people (excluding fam & weirdos, of course!) as well? (That's a LOT of chances for us to find mates we'd be bed compatible with!) And as a virgin in her early 20s who values herself more than guys' "ugly needs," I must say that that BS about bed compatibility is really nothing beyond that: BS.
Whatever issues a couple who hadn't engaged in premarital sex has in bed ONCE they're married CAN/SHOULD be worked on during marriage, which is, after all, made for working through any problems & enjoy all the pleasures that married life entails. So WHY spoil the surprise and discover all that's meant to be discovered BEFORE those decades you'd willingly choose to spend with one another?
(BTW, GuySpeak is AMAZING and deserves some sort of award! I'm in love with it and your incredibly insightful answers; you guys ROCK! If only more people knew about it or the site were made required reading!)
I agree with this comment. It is bull to hear of sexual compatibility before marriage. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce nowadays, and most couples have had sex before marriage. Back in the 1950s and before that, it was the norm to wait until marriage. You hardly heard of divorce, single mothers, abortions, children out of wedlock, STD's.
I think it's refreshing when someone says they're waiting till marriage. It's never too late, as my childhood friend (who's had sex) has been celibate for over 8 years and is waiting till marriage. My 37yo best guy friend is a virgin waiting till marriage and has been seeking a virgin to marry; unfortunately, he can't seem to find one, even in church. What I don't get are Christians who don't wait till marriage when they're supposed to according to their God.
There are a few men out there that would be willing to wait. It takes a very unique and special man to wait. I've come across a few men who have respected my decision to wait. Some have respected me more and said I actually have morals. If you find a man who respects your belief and is willing to wait, you know for sure he really loves you. IMO, that's true love.
Points to other response:
http://www.guyspeak.com/answers/what-do-guys-honestly-think-about-girls-who-are-virgins-in-their-early-20s-is-it-a-total-turn-off/index.php
I don't really understand the anti-virginity sentiments I'm seeing here.
I think I need to write up a full thoughts on this as a counter, since not all men see virginity as so bad, in fact, I know many that see it as a plus in a non-creepy way. (In other words, not just because they want to be the cherry popper.)
Glad to hear it.
There are still some (a few) very young guys (16 to 23 ish) that will be cool with your no-sex law for a while, but for most guys, they will not last for a month like this.
I have kicked girls out of my room within a few minutes of them telling me that. No point in wasting my time.
You are a subhuman animal and utter filth that ought to purged from this earth as violently as humanly possible.
Okay, I'm seventeen so maybe I shouldn't be here, but still I have to ask:
What of religious purposes?
I understand and can respect the different comments on here because they all seem to be rooted in varying beliefs, ideas and standards. However, I, as a Christian would like to know if there is even the slightest chance that there will be a guy who can respect me and wait. Or should I just give up all hope now and assume that I'l never find love or get married??
This is so disgusting, that being a virgin is looked down out in out society. I'm 22, and had around 5 boyfriends, some walked out the moment they found out i was a virgin, i finaly met this guy when i was 20 and i told him 5 months before we started dating PROUDLY that im avirgin. My V card is something I BRAG about. nothing to be ashamed.. theres 1000 guys that would want to have sex.. but few that would wait till the right time and make love.. so why would i lose it over some stupid temptation, so i feel guilty , used, and regret after he leaves or after I realize it doesnt work out.. Whatsup with the bullshit of chemestry in bed. You can creat your chemestry in bed.. these words are just %?$/ invented by boys so they get in your pants.. My bf was perfectly sexually active before me, and he had 5 months to think and decide, and now its been two years and still going strong,theres so much more then sex in a relationship.. divorce rate now days are way higher then òld school, 50 years ago.. and 90 % of those were virgins. I couldnt disagree more with this mentality of having sex to keep a guy in your life
Yes, most guys do care. A lot (not sure of a percentage) of guys are really sex-obsessed (even ones you may not expect). I care but from the opposite side. I prefer a girl to be a virgin as I am, because of similiar ethics. FYI: I am 24-year-old guy(straight) who has never had a girlfriend and is non-religious. I believe sex should be something two people who love each other can do after marriage. As long as people aren't making bad decisions, I suppose sex before marriage is okay, it just is not my preference. Some guys (and girls) are ONLY interested in using people for their own pleasure, which is unethical and seems really *primitive* to me. Love is more important (to me). Sex can be easily bought if desired.
I'm 32 and a virgin woman. Men and women tell me I'm very beautiful girl, look in my 20s. I'm smart, have university education. Here in Europe hardly any woman is virgin. I had boyfriend once for short time, he wanted to do sex with me but I told him I wanted to wait, he says, "You have complex. You need help." I stopped things with him right there because he was trying just to brainwashing me. I know what I'm worth and I won't settle for anybody who is not ready for a woman like me. I will choose the best I can find for myself. After 32 years I think and believe it's my earning. Thank you.
Okay so I don't think this is fair to bring up religion and apply those standards to current day, when it was written children would get married around 12 so why would they worry about waiting? But today it isn't uncommon to find a 30 yr old + couple unmarried? And it's difficult for a woman to say about experience or anything like chemistry in bed if she hasn't had sex before, I mean for all that guy knows she may just want to lay there and have him do all the work and that can't be satisfying.
I think waiting until after marriage is very important. Most realtionships, NOT ALL, most, are ended in divorce due to trust issues these fays. Why? Because most couples have had marriage before sex. The reason it I'd forbidden in most religions to have sex before marriage is because sex before marriage for most people causes trust issues between them. This is because the people who waited for marriage can trust and be trusted easily because they know the other waited till marriage so they wouldn't have the thought that there is a person out there who can perform sexually better than their partner because they've never tried it nor will they have as much of anurge because if they were strong enough to wait until marriage they do not give into their desires quickly or they are able to last without sex while their partner is pregnant or sick, while most men sorry but women aren't as bad about this, can't wait because they have stronger urges. Those who have sex before marriage can't trust their partners easily and therefore most marriages these days end in divorce.
I have to very much disagree with you.
My (now) husband came from a sexually active relationship, he was 15 when he started having sex and we were both consenting adults when we started dating.
He was used to having sex at least 3 to 4 times a week and when he started dating me, I told him straight up, sex is for marriage. He told me that he'd wait 3 months, well 3 YEARS later, we got married and I remained a virgin until our wedding night.
To say "it is a basic need" is ridiculous. Men can control themselves, just as women can. Men aren't animals who have a "basic need" to mate anything in site, they can control themselves and WAIT.
My husband and I have been married for 4 years now, have a healthy sexual relationship and no issues when it comes to sex.
Men CAN wait and I personally believe men should be offended at being almost called wild animals with no ability to control themselves due to their "basic needs" of sex. That is BS.
There is a lot of speculation that many people did not wait for sex in the "good old days." Instead, contraception was not widely available and women who became pregnant were married because there wasn't really anything else to do about it. It is hard for single mothers now, but when the church was founded it was impossible for a woman to take care of herself and a child. Personally, my boyfriend and I plan on getting married but are waiting because I am about to start medical school. We have been having sex for 2 years now and I would never change that. The most important things in my opinion are that we both support and care for each other, and that we will have solid foundations upon which to build a marriage when we do get married. By the way, I was not a virgin when we started dating and he was. I told him this on our first date, and we waited a year to have sex because we wanted to make sure it was right to do and that we would be able to accept the changes that would come to our relationship. Hopefully, we will continue to accept these changes as I start the next phase of my education and he finishes school and gets a real job. I'm not trying to bash other peoples' personal beliefs, but sex is a personal decision, whether you are religious or not. We go to mass every week and pray every night and generally think of ourselves as good and intelligent people. Don't feel guilty just for rejecting one part of the churches' doctrine and the guilt that the church can make people feel. Also, I personally feel that sex is a basic need for both men and women. So, everyone open your minds and accept that if you don't like what someone else says about sex, then they are not the right person for you if that is such an important moral for you.
Well I think it is very important to wait till marriage I'm only 16 and one of the very few virgins left in my high school and teens nowadays think that it is cool to lose your V card as a freshman. But I hope and pray I will control myself and wait and find someone who truly loves me and will wait also. And for every girl who is scared he will dump you because you say you want to wait needs more self confidence. If he can't wait he doesn't deserve you!