I don't believe that "once a cheater, always a cheater." Do believe the statement "Never a cheater, but check back tomorrow?" You know, Tiger Woods cheated with, what? Thirteen? Fourteen women? I've lost count. You don't think each of those women were single? You don't think they each had some man in their life sitting with their wheezing hearts on their laps, patiently staring at a phone and waiting for a text?
I have total faith in a human being's ability to change. It's not a given, of course. But I would rather have faith and be right one time out of ten, than to live a life condemning my fellow men and women for the crime of being human. We are all guilty of that crime, after all. We are all victims of our nature.
Love takes courage. I know that sounds corny. But loving someone is not for those with weak stomachs. The great explorers never knew if they'd reach land. Inventors fail with gusto. Musicians have to play a lot of sour notes to find the sweetest ones.There are no guarantees when it comes to love. It's a huge risk. The man or woman who finally invents the personal jet pack is going to suffer bruises, broken bones, and probably a concussion or two. But damn, what about the moment that future pioneer zips up into the clouds. Courage is placing your hand on the ugly face of fear, an pushing the f@#kin troll on it's ugly ass.
Trust him. You have no choice. Be weary. One can forgive and not forget. But if you lose faith in redemption, then you're saying that you can't change. And you can. You are. Just by trusting this guy.
Let's see what happens tomorrow.
Do you know why he cheated on them? if he did just because the opportunity arose...well, if I were in your shoes, he'd be dumped pretty quickly. Cheating is one of the most selfish things someone can do, as well as one of the most hurtful.
I hope he's changed.
Well of course if you ask someone who's nickname is "The Reformed Player" he's going to tell you that people can be reformed. This question would much better be asked to someone who's been consistent with their level of integrity as a person.
Personally, I'd rather condemn men who cheat.. and abusive people and murders through the punishment of not receiving my love/affection. Cheating is not something that innately arises "from being human". It's something one does. It's an action, a decision. To say we are all guilty of it is to remove personal responsibility... something cheaters lack. Really, there are lots of people out there, since I haven't and wont ever cheat i dont deserve to be with someone who has- they're the bottom of the barrel to me. If someone cheated once and was honestly remorseful then i would date them and be wary, but I'd never date a serial cheater.
Lol I'm not done.
What seperates humans from other animals is our ability to understand/predict the mental states of those around us- our "theory of mind". No other animal... besides maybe certain primates, has this ability. We, as humans, are given the gift of empathy. To cheat is to discard this gift and ignore the feelings of others. To cheat is to defy one of the things that makes us human.
I dont necessarily beleive "once a cheater, always a cheater"... but i beleive "twice a cheater, always a bad person."
Good answer.
What you said was fair to her response, but in my opinion, if a man can't tell the person that he is with that things ain't working out before moving on the the next one, then he is a liar and a cheater, and i can't stand nether. And the "being human" thing is the most sorriest excuse I've ever heard; either you do or you don't and it will be a cold day in Hell before I cheat on the man I love.
I don't know if I could trust someone who cheated.
That would be like trusting someone not to abuse you if they had been abused themselves. Most of the time, these people need to work things out with themselves completely in order to break these patterns. People can change, but it's a long, uphill road and it isn't easy in the slightest.
Call me cynical, but I believe people only change dramatically if they go through a very traumatic or religious experience. (Cheating on someone and later regretting it does NOT count as "traumatic".) I'm in the "once a cheater, always a cheater" camp, and so far, based on my personal experience, I haven't seen evidence to the contrary.
Cheating is just about always a symptom of some serious personal issues the cheater needs to work out. Those don't just go away, even if the cheater is remorseful after the deed. People don't just do it "because they're human". What a lame excuse. People might tell white lies, gossip, say mean things in anger, or forget important things because they're human. NORMAL "humans" don't murder, abuse their spouses, or become serial cheaters. Cheating is the absolute lowest form of betrayal.
Using that excuse, men can literally get away with anything.
I think that RP may not have been the best choice for this question. I mean, really, what did you expect from someone who has declared himself "reformed"? Ask someone who's able to think about this issue more objectively.
You're equating murder, domestic abuse and cheating, huh? Talk about objective. By that logic, Jesse James should be on death row.
I stand by my answer. I am not a moralizing person. I do not think I'm better than anyone else. And I certainly would not judge a girlfriend on her past.
But that's me.
well, all three are forms of the most on purpose, damaging things you can to another person either physically or psychologically or.... clearly a logical way or categorize actions. It's not like baking cookies is in there, clearly these things are crimes against the "soul" so to speak.
She didnt say cheaters deserved the death penalty. Having a different opinion than yours doesn't mean we take those feelings to extreme absurdity, ie death row. Since when did you become Glen Beck?
The reason you shun "morals" is because if you applied them to cheating your ego and self-perception would be damaged. Therefore, you project outward blaming "moralizing" people for what? caring too much about others??? For knowing right from wrong. There's a difference between haiving judgment and judging others. Were not talking about morality and sex or religion and the entanglements of stuff like that. We're talking about clearly damaging, selfish, ugly, purposeful behaviors.
I care about others, espeically people who I am in relationships with, and i would NEVER cheat on them.
But that's me.
OMG, really Rach? Are you serious? Why are you so ANGRYYYY?!?!?
Okay, first of all, Molly totally equated cheating with murder and domestic abuse. I'd love for you to say to the face of an abused woman or a father with a murdered son that their pain is similar to a person with a broken heart. Look, I've been cheated on. It hurts. Makes the soul dry heave. But c'mon...
Secondly, this entire site is about opinion. I did not invalidate her opinion. Jeez, Rach.
Lastly, I "shun" morals? Glen Beck what? I do? That must explain why I chase bunny rabbits with shovels. Thanks!
Way to make it personal. Speaking of personal, I'm sorry you've been hurt. Buck up.
There is a difference between being moral and moralizing. Moralizing people throw stones. They judge. They forgive themselves their sins, but not others. They live in a black and white world where they are perfect. What's the weather like there?
Again, I stand by my opinion. The person who asked the question wanted to know if she should trust her man. I say: trust until proven wrong. I've done that, so should she.
wow, defensive much?
I actually was abused as a teenager, so I do have some perspective on the situation. I was also raped (last year by a friend at the time), and I can say that being cheated on made me stay up many more nights than other bad things people have done to me. It shook me to my core. Everyone reacts to certain traumas differently. Just because you think its easier to recover from one thing over another doesnt make it so. I'm not saying that cheating is worse than rape of course.... but to act so nonchallantly about something so hurtful to others is rather disturbing, in my opionion.
I'm not angry at you. I'm just disappointed. I've loved a lot of your other posts and its just very saddening that you can't have personal responsibility for your actions.
I'll never undestand the logic of someone who would defend cheating. The people who are cruel to others are the first to claim they are being "judged". If someone is mean to someone else, then I beleive in holding them accoutable, as I would expect them to do to me. I'm a very "live and let live" person as long as people respect one another. I'm sorry you disagree with this sentiment.
I think we're missing the point here. What John is saying isn't that cheating is right or morally acceptable, but that she should be prepared to give him the benefit of doubt. What he did before is not defensible but that doesn't mean the guy can't change. At the moment her options are stick with it for now or break up with the guy because he might do something later. I'd say go for it, give it a chance. Sure, he might cheat on her, and if he does it'll hurt, but there's no guarantee he will. Even if he does, pain passes. Breaking up just in case doesn't help anyone.
As JDV said, love takes courage. There's always a chance you'll get hurt, but that's no reason not to try anyway. He's not saying cheating isn't bad or that it is in any way morally defensible; he's saying we're all human, we've all made mistakes and we can all change, Give the man a chance to prove he has.
"Defensive much?" Yes, most people are when attacked with an unnecessarily personal and aggressive comment.
I'm with John: you need to chill. Disagree all you want -- that's why we're here -- but don't be an ass about it.
I was not equating those three things. I stand by my comment that "normal" people still don't do any of said things.
Wow, if a heartbreak from being cheated on keeps someone up more nights than them being raped and abused does, that person needs some serious therapy...serious, professional, help!
John is right on this one, and Bobolequiff gets my vote for best answer on this one : )
I agree with Nataliesmommy, Bobolequiff, Cary and JVD. Give the guy a chance! How do I put it in the words of Bow wow? "for every man there is a woman who can make him change?" why, yes, I do believe in this statement. If it doesnt work out, well then you just get more experience with the signs of a cheater so you can weed them out easier!
*JDV*sorry typo!lol
I agree with bobolequiff, I am with a guy who i love dearly, and yes, he has cheated on past girlfriends, but i honestly believe he has changed. he may have cheated in the past, but he has never shown any signs of even wanting to cheat on me. love does take courage, and it takes time to realize when and if the person your with is worth that courage. my relationship is, so give him a chance, he may love you enough to have the courage to stay.
Men have a roving eye. They have to decide whether they are going to either be honest and monogamous or dishonest and cheat OR both gal & guy agree to a swing lifestyle to hopefully satiate the need for something new. Sadly, even those in the swing lifestyle sometimes cheat, which completely baffles me! I guess theirs is a need to keep secrets, which I would never sign on for in a marriage. You want a secret life dude? Go live it as a stag and call me for a date now & then. My perfect mate will be "emotionally monogamous". That is to say I will know them as well as they know themselves and get the same in return. And we may enjoy and adult club together for some variety. Only non-jealous, non-possesive couples can pull off this arrangment. Takes really good communication but can work really well.
You stupid bitch...yes he will cheat on u.
juggalette has said it perfectly. My.ex cheated on me even though I went 2 swing parties w him.he. is a sexual narcissist of the worst kind. Selfish possesive, secretive and a pathological liar. He is nothing more than a sexual predator. When u figure them out they find another 2 charm. They cheat themselves really..they live a lie and r really just unhappy insecure empty people.they suck!
My husband cheated on me after 17yrs.of marriage,he left with another woman and stayed gone for 3mos.but i made a choice to take him back,now we have been married,27yrs.I don't believe once a cheater alway's a cheater,I do believe they can change...You will always remember the pain,but at some point if you love him you have to forgive.
Holy crap, i can identify so much with this thread.i am living this situation right now myself! I never thought it possible to love someone without trusting them but thats where im at now, hope it works out and its not been something ive done before.scared of getting hurt but if i do ill be sure to learn from it! X
HE CHEATS CUZ HE IS A DOG!!!!