You should tell him right away. Preferably before the first
date. That's not something you want to wait to reveal when he comes back to
your place. If he's not ready for that sort of commitment, his feelings towards
you will likely change. But if you don't tell him about the kid right off the
bat, something like this could occur:
You: "So here's my collection of Hummel figurines, a picture of my son, my complete My So-Called Life DVD set...
Him: Wait, did you say son?
You: Oh, yeah. I didn't mention? He's my treasure!
(He runs off, leaving a cartoonish cloud of dust in his wake.)
It's not really a matter of being less or more attractive. If a guy is ready for a family-- or is divorced and already has kids of his own-- then, yes, he could find the fact that you have a child very attractive. I mean, moms are fantastic. You know how they say that women find men attractive when they're holding babies? I think that applies to guys as well, particularly when they start to think about raising kids of their own. As a man reaches that point in his life, the moms around him will start to become very attractive. He'll love seeing his girlfriend holding a friend's baby. Until then, it might be a bit scary.
This is something you should be straight-up about right away, so he knows what he's getting into. This isn't, "Oh, I have cats. Is that cool?" A single guy will immediately view a woman with a child as wanting a serious commitment, even if she's just looking to hook up. That's just the way it is. If he has feelings for you, and is mature, your child might not be a dealbreaker. But he has to be ready for serious commitment, and a potential family. Even if you tell him that you plan to raise the child alone, he's still getting into a relationship with a woman who has a baby (I assume by "bundle of joy" that we're talking about an infant, or at least a toddler) and that can't not be a factor in whether or not things get serious.
Don't get me wrong: babies are adorable. But would I think twice about getting involved with a woman with a child? Yes. But that's me right now. Plenty of guys are ready to be a dad, or at least a father figure. The best thing you can do is tell guys right away that you're a mom, so as to weed out the ones who aren't ready. If you're doing online dating, include it in your profile. This is part of who you are, and the right guy will see your child as a blessing, and not something to run away from.
You: "So here's my collection of Hummel figurines, a picture of my son, my complete My So-Called Life DVD set...
Him: Wait, did you say son?
You: Oh, yeah. I didn't mention? He's my treasure!
(He runs off, leaving a cartoonish cloud of dust in his wake.)
It's not really a matter of being less or more attractive. If a guy is ready for a family-- or is divorced and already has kids of his own-- then, yes, he could find the fact that you have a child very attractive. I mean, moms are fantastic. You know how they say that women find men attractive when they're holding babies? I think that applies to guys as well, particularly when they start to think about raising kids of their own. As a man reaches that point in his life, the moms around him will start to become very attractive. He'll love seeing his girlfriend holding a friend's baby. Until then, it might be a bit scary.
This is something you should be straight-up about right away, so he knows what he's getting into. This isn't, "Oh, I have cats. Is that cool?" A single guy will immediately view a woman with a child as wanting a serious commitment, even if she's just looking to hook up. That's just the way it is. If he has feelings for you, and is mature, your child might not be a dealbreaker. But he has to be ready for serious commitment, and a potential family. Even if you tell him that you plan to raise the child alone, he's still getting into a relationship with a woman who has a baby (I assume by "bundle of joy" that we're talking about an infant, or at least a toddler) and that can't not be a factor in whether or not things get serious.
Don't get me wrong: babies are adorable. But would I think twice about getting involved with a woman with a child? Yes. But that's me right now. Plenty of guys are ready to be a dad, or at least a father figure. The best thing you can do is tell guys right away that you're a mom, so as to weed out the ones who aren't ready. If you're doing online dating, include it in your profile. This is part of who you are, and the right guy will see your child as a blessing, and not something to run away from.
This is something I struggle with myself; I've got an adorable 6 year old from a previous relationship and, although she doesn't live with me or anything, I can't help but feel like a girl look at me very differently when they know. I'm actually weighing up when to tell this girl I've been getting along with at Uni, and it's kinda terrifying.
HOWEVER.. I don't think it's something you can put off saying. It's a pretty big deal, and something that a prospective partner should really know about you up front. It's entirely up to them if they can deal with it, and if they can't then it was never going to work regardless. So, if you've a view to getting cosy with a dude, let him know. It's crucial for both of you to know how he feels about it.
its a package deal, if the person can't accept you and your child, then he is not the one for you....
Wow, this is a tough topic. Nick, great advice as usual. Mannon, I appreciate your openness.
But what about a woman who had a kid and gave it up through adoption? Does that knowledge change a man's perspective?
Way to think outside the box! Should a guy tell a girl if he's a sperm donor? Probably on both counts, at least if there's a chance that the kid's going to come looking for you one day. I don't think that's first date confidence stuff, though.. I imagine you'd probably fit that in somewhere between 'My mom spent most of my teenage life in an asylum' and 'My father was a time travelling robot destroyer'.
I'm all for honesty and being transparent about telling big stuff like this, but I'm curious about what's going through his mind that he isn't saying. Does he think "Wow I admire her for doing something that hard," or does he think "Gosh, she threw away a kid." or does it have any impact at all?
travelling robot destroyer?? - you had a cool dad!
I've had a pretty interesting life so far, but even I wish I was John Connor every now and then.
Seriously though, I don't know if I can generalise like that. It is pretty heavy stuff, the likes of which normally inspire a gut reaction in people. It wouldn't bother me personally; I can understand that there really are situations where keeping a child is mutually detrimental. Some people probably think different. It's not as polarising an issue as, say, abortion, but I'm certain there are guys who feel quite strongly about it. I'm just not sure you can really know until it comes up.
i have that problem myself and i am actually dating someone right now he gets along very well with the baby and he likes kids my son loves him...but ive had my share of relationships where the guy is just not ready..you must be honest you must put the baby first if he likes you and wants to be with you then he is going to have to accept your son as well...just make sure you let them spend some time together see how they communicate look at the small details..
good luck
I'm thinking single dads are the way to go; they seem to understand that life isn't always black/white. Granted, I have an 8-year-old myself, so eventually the right relationship may turn into this weird spin off of "Yours, Mine, and Ours." There's a lot of people out there who can't handle a kid from a previous relationship, especially the ones who think you have to be married to play "Pin the (Tail) on the Hooey" and have a kid.
It's almost like it's physical proof that I had a sex life before the guy in question! Most guys can't seem to handle that, even the self-proclaimed Casannovas. They'd rather have the fantasy(!) that they were my first.
It might be a little harder when the dude already has kids, but at least they're not as quick to judge.
This question can be answered in 2 parts.
For the single (or married) dad, no, it doesn't change for the most part. You're good there.
For the guy with no kids...you're automatically put into 2nd/3rd/not 1st place. No single guy without kids wants to deal with someone else's kids. The reason he doesn't have any kids is because he doesn't like kids. He can't take you seriously as a long-term option because he doesn't like being woken up at 3 am by a kid having a nightmare or dealing with a snotty teenager. Yuck...