No. It's passive-aggressive and stupid. It's like a child holding their breath until they get what they want. You're saying to the other person, "I don't want to address our problems, so I'm just going to shut you out until I get my way." If anything, the silent treatment makes things worse. Resentments build up, issues get unresolved. The person you're snubbing feels hurt and confused, and either does everything in their power to get you to start talking to them again or gets angry and in turn snubs you back. So then you've got two people who aren't communicating and no one wins.
In a relationship or friendship, the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. It's shutting someone out, and refusing to address an issue or a grievance. Often, people who use the silent treatment don't even tell the person they're snubbing what they've done wrong. They just sit and pout until the other person asks them what's wrong. The person being shut out feels hurt, abandoned, and like their words are falling on deaf ears. If the other person is trying to communicate and fix the problem and you're snubbing them, they're doing all the work.
Nothing good can come from shunning or ostracizing someone you love just to get what you want. We preach communication here more than anything else. In an argument, the only way to win is to plead your case. If you're forcing them to give in just to get you to talk to them, are you really winning? You haven't proved your point-- you're just being a giant baby. That seems like more of a Pyrrhic victory. Using the silent treatment will only lead to more anger and resentment while further driving a wedge between you and your partner.
In a relationship or friendship, the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. It's shutting someone out, and refusing to address an issue or a grievance. Often, people who use the silent treatment don't even tell the person they're snubbing what they've done wrong. They just sit and pout until the other person asks them what's wrong. The person being shut out feels hurt, abandoned, and like their words are falling on deaf ears. If the other person is trying to communicate and fix the problem and you're snubbing them, they're doing all the work.
Nothing good can come from shunning or ostracizing someone you love just to get what you want. We preach communication here more than anything else. In an argument, the only way to win is to plead your case. If you're forcing them to give in just to get you to talk to them, are you really winning? You haven't proved your point-- you're just being a giant baby. That seems like more of a Pyrrhic victory. Using the silent treatment will only lead to more anger and resentment while further driving a wedge between you and your partner.
Communication is always the key. I only gave a guy the silent treatment once, because I was speechless on what he did. (My ex went out drinking with his bros the night before our dog was to be put down from inoperable cancer) He tried to “oh baby” me the next morning, but I shut him out. It was the beginning to the end of our relationship.
(This was our dog of 10 years & I was left to deal with everything on my own…, again.)
Yep, the Chic Geek is right (as usual). Passive aggression is lame-o.
But guys do this in a way. They don’t open their mouth until they have something to say that can “ix it. This comes off as the silent treatment. I agree that I have said nothing because I was dumbstruck on what just went down. The arms crossed, I’m not talking to you thing, yeah that’s lame.
I did the silent treatment exaclty once- it was because I was finding it impossible to articulate exactly how I was feeling, so I decided to keep quiet until the words came, for fear of blurting out the wrong thing and regretting it later.
The treatment, by the way, only lasted as long as our walk home.
I have a problem with this, but only when there's nothing that can be done about what's bothering me. For example, my boyfriend always has to work and I get upset that I don't get to spend enough time with him. He knows I hate it, but after I voice my opinion, all he can do is say "sorry :/", then I am just upset the whole time and give him short, one-word texts. I guess I think if I make him feel guilty enough, he'll eventually stop working so much. I want to stop this behavior, help!
Same boat!!! I have soo been there.. exactly!
I felt that if I just pushed him away and didn't care as much, it wouldn't hurt as much, or it would hurt him and I would somehow get my way.
We talked about it,.. and now we have days that we always spend time together.. Take a look at your schedules and see what can be done!? Good Luck!!!
I don't totally agree with you, Chic Geek. The silent treatment has it's place and frankly, if my boyfriend has been a dick and doesn't see anything wrong with his behavior and won't address it (sweeps it under the rug) then I have nothing more to say to him and refuse to play the Pollyanna role as if nothing is wrong to make him more comfortable. My feelings are legit and I'm entitled to be angry or hurt and not deny those feelings. If you try to address a problem and the other person brushes your concerns away I see nothing wrong with ceasing communication until they are ready to talk abou their offensive behavior. And, as someone else said, sometimes you are so angry/disgusted/appalled at someones behavior it's to their benefit for you to just not say anything because it would be totally hurtful to THEM.
My father gave me the silent treatment for 3 years. We lived in the same house and it was only when I moved out to go to college did we start speaking. We are both equally headstrong and stubborn and have terrible tempers. Fighting followed by long boughts of silent treatment is a trait common to my family/ extended family. It is one of my biggest regrets and there isn't a time that I can think back those years without crying about it. It was awful. Because I never addressed my feelings or my emotions for those 3 years I then later suffered from random outbursts of panic attacks which I was suprised to find out was post traumatic stress disorder. Which to this day, I still find pretty random that your body deals with stuff in weird and wonderful ways.
Having known what it feels like to be on the end of the silent treatment, I couldn't ever do it anybody I loved. If i had a good reason to cut someone out of my life, then I would finish it properly and ask them not to contact me again. But to give someone no reason or explanation is very cold and cruel.
I find it best to get things out in the open fast. Theres no point holding on to whatever it is eating you up, don't swallow it, get it out and get it resolved and then move on.
I've had the same thing happen to me with my father on several occasions. The most recent lasted about a month and a half straight (I simply didn't exist to him). You can't reason with these people. You can't resolve any issues. Then, of course, when they suddenly start talking to you, they expect you to act like everything is normal. The worst part is you follow right along because somewhere inside you're overjoyed that they're acknowledging your existence again and you don't want to provoke another "punishment". Afterwards, you feel dirty and depressed because you did exactly what they wanted you to do.
You (OP) probably have no idea the damage it causes the receiver (since you're asking this question). Aside from worrying about what they might have done wrong, there's the awful feeling of simply being ignored and overlooked. Of being invisible and not existing. Not to mention constantly dealing with a growing desire to (passive-)aggressively respond just to make them react to you in some way. I've wanted to key his truck, let the air out of his tires, steal his food he was eating right from under his nose, hit him with something, yell at him, give him the treatment right back, or just generally sabotage his life...but I never did anything remotely close because I knew it wouldn't do anything beneficial. It would just make the silent treatment go on longer.
Unfortunately, I don't know what you can do when you're subjected to the silent treatment. The most clear-cut answer is to just resume your life as if the silent treatment wasn't happening and treat that person as you would any other day. It takes a ton of strength and willpower to do that consistently, and I feel it's a losing battle over time. Even then, it doesn't help much. At the end of the day, they're still ignoring you, you're still feeling resentful, you still get a little more angry each day, and the issue is still not resolved. How can you just...not ever resolve a problem?
So, in short, no, the silent treatment does NOT work. Unless you're trying to cut a relationship at its knees and then kick it repeatedly while it's sobbing in the dirt. In which case, it is extremely effective for that purpose.
Ouch!! Chic Geek
Done that & sadly yes... In my case it didn't solve the problems or even make it worse but to men out there when a women give you a silent treatment IMHO it's an alert that something is terribly wrong. it's an "I try to tell you but you (still) don't get it & now I'm angry w/ you, give me some space, don't talk to me until I could calmed myself & ready to talk in a more civilized way" :p
I don't know if I'm comfortable with the silent treatment being classified as a form of emotional abuse. I got the silent treatment recently for something that was a huge misunderstanding. I felt everything Nick described. To have that called abuse doesn't sit well with me and it makes me feel really... icky.
It is a form of emotional abuse. Particularly if it's an ongoing thing. Any mental health or relationship expert would agree. Abuse doesn't have to be physical. Whatever your classification of it, it's not a healthy way of solving your problems.
I dislike the silent from men or women. I was not blessed with Mind-reading. And until my protest to get this ability is rewarded, I will hate the silent treatment.
I once briefly got a form of the silent treatment from my ex, for the length of a subway ride home and part of a walk back to his apartment. When he finally talked, he exploded with "You stupid bitch!" It was the only time he ever called me that, and I responded by going for a long walk in the park and letting him stew in his apartment. (The only reason I didn't leave straight for my own place was that my weekend bag was still in his apartment; we lived over an hour apart and at that moment I didn't want to go back there long enough to get it and deal with the ensuing scene.) Actually, come to think of it, there were often long periods of awkward silence on the phone too, where I was basically expected to read his mind and how dare I accuse him of expecting me to do that...
Don't do it. It doesn't solve anything and makes the person on the receiving end frantic to know what he/she did wrong and/or simply figure out how to respond properly.
My ex did that silent shit to me not once but twice ...the second time was over something retarded he had done , when I had been telling him I'm getting pissed because ur not talking to me , he finally yelled at me ... So I was like cool , u can have your space , u can have all the space u need bro , I'm done .... I haven't talked to him since :)
Write a comment...Well this is how it goes my boyfriend decides to go out with the boys which he knows i hate ... neways i gave him the space and time that he wanted with the boys eventually when i decided to call him he answered by telling me that if i wana break up with him it fine and cut the call eventually when i decided to call back he switches his phone off .. I was furious n hurt nevertheless the next day he texts me n tells me that he knows that i am angry and wouldnt wana c him and i must have a good day. So i didnot reply . the next day he goes out even the same night and at the end of the long weekend he apologises (everytime he hurts me he apologises and we get back) so this time i decided not to accept the apology and decided to give him the silent treatment hoping he would change and wouldnt disrespects me do you think it will work ? or should i just leave him and move on ?
ok i am getting this silent treatment now. its not cool. this girl is driving me bonkers. i am currently in a online chat, she said she wants to sort our problems out but wont reply. i told her to leave if she did not want to be with me but she remains silent. i dont deserve this but if i leave the chat its over. i told her what we should both change to make a stronger relationship but she remains silent still. should i get rid of this girl?
I received the silent treatment from a past friend I really liked and I can say it really hurts you more and It is difficult to move on. When she started speaking to me again I received an answer like "I dont know why you are so tormented"....I don't know if people which give silent treatment realize the damages they spread around them or if they really know they abuse. With this friend she said she was not spiteful or angry towards me...but in fact she expressed herr anger I think by giving the silent treatment. Why acting this way when two normal people with good will can share and find an issue ?
If you are dealing with a cocky arrogant person, sometimes you need to give the silent treatment. If they go on and on and put you down, then yes do it for a day or two. Sometimes, people don't learn a lesson unless they see what they have done wrong. So if you have tried to talk to them about the problem a couple times, and they don't want to hear anything you have to say, then it is time to put a stop to it by silent treatment for a day or two. Sorry, but this worked for me in my relationship with my boyfriend.
I do give people the silent treatment and still do. I don't do it as a mean to control rather to protect myself from the person who is causing content pain.
It is my ex whom I have a child with and left me for another woman whom he married a month after our 14 some years relationship ended. He does not respect boundaries and still tries to interfer with my life. I tried talking to him about his behavior, but he would promised to respect my wishes, only to break his promises to me. Last straw, I was at home with my family on Labour Day, he passed by a noticed another car in my driveway, he decided to come and find out who it was on the pretense of seeing our child which goes to bed at 8:00 pm and it was 10:00pm. I have not spoken to him since that day.
I am not trying to punish anyone, I give him the silent treatment out of a need for self preservation and peace in my life.
call it lame but i do it... whatever you guys think... i get it my way or no way... period..
I give my boyfriend silent treatent all the time reason being he does the same stupid things over and over again. He never learns and I'm tired of always being the blabber mouth. He doesn't ask what's wrong instead he tells stupid jokes trying to make me laugh so I can forget but that sh*t doesn't work anymore and even worse I'm pregnant. I'm thinking of breaking things off once the baby is born and moving the hell away from him and his stupid friends.
I have a bipolar husband, and yesterday he screamed in my face and threw his debit card at me, because I wanted to buy a ticket to say goodbye to my parents who are moving far away....
He expects me to "love" his snobby, arrogant daughter, and I have told him that I am not her mother, so I don't care.
I am not speaking to him today, and I have slept on the couch, and I will sleep on the couch tonight as well. No communication, and I feel better this way.
Well the man in seeing seems to suddenly be giving me the silent treatment and it's left me really really confused as we've not had an argument or anything! We see eachother once a week and text each other daily! All of a sudden it's taking hours for him to text back but he's still being really sweet when he does! I'm hoping he's hit the stage of seeing eachother where it's needs down time to took about what he wants from this! But why not just say he needs some time to himself? Ggrrrrrr I'm so tempted to give the treatment back. I really want to text him good morning but then I'm thinking why should I? But then little voice says to grow up and stop retaliating!!! Aarrrrgggghjjjjj lol
Chic Geek takes this to the extreme.
Sometimes being silent is for many purposes. I know I have been so upset that articulating anything would have been far more detrimental than just being "silent" and gathering thoughts.
I think that if a person is honest and states that they are being silent because they are emotionally distraught beyond words then that is a wise thing to do.
Sometimes someone repeats a behaviour that is hurtful, or destructive to the relationship so many times that being "silent" is the only effective method for them to understand just how hurtful it is to the other person.
In all things, intent is the key I believe. If the intent is to "hurt back", or get even, or out of malice then an evaluation is needed.
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I do give my girlfriend silent treatment. Call it immature and lame but it keeps me in control most of the times besides it's my way or no way.
Well I had to give my bf the silent treatmet recently I discussed with him what was bothering me and he said ok. I thought the problem would be solved but he goes and does it again the very next day. I told him I was mad and didnt want to talk right then. He kept on talking so I ended up explodeing and giving him the silent treatment right now and I do not feel bad about it. I was nice the first time when explaining what was bothering me but that didnt seem to work so hey call it lame but I am protecting myself. I will not let someone continue to do things that are going to make me upset.
I'm giving my boyfriend silence treatment at the moment, we have had many discussions about a girl that keeps on texting him and she always have something to say about our relationship, everytime I ask him if they had something going on before we started dating and his answer is no and he tells me he doesn't know why she is so jealous and why she behaves like that. However I have seen him leaving her office twice, the first time I got very upset and spoke to him about it, so he told me it was work. This time around I was so upset that after I saw him he called me and I hanged up on him, he has been texting and calling me and I have been just ignoring him for 2 days. No regrets, if I have been "abusing him"... Well deserved!! As he just take her comments as joke and haven't make an effort to put her on her place.
Call it crazy or childish, but I'm a person that feels of someone hurt my feelings and I told them then Im not going to talk to the person because I feel people take advantage of you for their needs and act
Like your feelings dont matter so you have to show them you don't need to them
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I am giving my husband the silent treatment because I don't have the energy to argue with him. He is "always right" and I am Rambo and have no feelings so my advice: If the nerd finally gets the pretty girl...don't take her for granted and get too big for your own pocket protector.
A really helpful article. Someone very dear to my heart made me suffer the silent treatment over a period of 20 years. The person never communicated, and to this day I am shocked at the level of studied cruelty. It was very very painful. Pleading or begging never resulted in a single kind word, or any word at all. My attempts to communicate failed entirely and so I gave up, though I did send one letter a year over the initial period of around 3 years, and nothing after that.
What confuses me more than anything is that I have prided myself on being the nicest person that I can be. I never lost my temper or threw insult, though my growing resentment and pain made things intolerable. Perhaps in that one sense alone I have a sort of victory, if only by virtue of my having refused to be anything other than a good person. I feel that the intention was to do me serious harm, or by extension, that I would be damaged to the point of harming other people in my life.
Readers, please don't do the silent treatment on anyone because it is so destructive. It only causes harm and there is no measure of good that comes out of it. Communicate. Talk. Share your thoughts and feelings. Understand each other and heal any discord. We are all entitled to some happiness in this life and when there is so much pain and anger in the world there is no "sense" in making more of it for its own sake, and definitely not to acquire an egotistical kicks at another's expense.
Do I forgive? I want to, but I don't see how I can as the situation stands.
Having said that, I'm happy and getting on with my life now, and I have been for some time. The issue nags occasionally - as no doubt it is intended to do!!
Every situation is different but my general advice would be to give things just one year and then simply remove yourself from that person and situation entirely and permanently. Just write it off before it starts to get dangerous.
I have been a therapist, hypnotherapist and teacher for quite a while and I would be happy to help anyone who is suffering from this sort of abuse / pain.
Tell this to my dad. He really needs to learn to be a grown man. I swear, what's the point in being 45 years old physically if you're just going to act like an immature 5 year old?
I've done everything, EVERYTHING, just to gain your approval, dad. But has it satisfied me in the past years? Nope, not a bit. Once I realized that I'm in control of MY life, you've just been acting like a little kid. Get over the fact that people grow up and that people can take care of themselves, dad. Even birds know to kick their babies out of the nest at some point. A fucking bird does better than you.
And mom? What's the point in telling you my problems with dad if you're just going to pick and choose the ones where you can "teach me a lesson." Given that I've had to take care of myself every since the both of you decided to give me the silent treatment, I've learned quite a few life lessons.
And you know what, don't say you're sorry because I know you're not. You say that and then do everything to try to "make it up" to me. If I don't you the "proper" response, oh well. Let's give this poor ol' girl the silent treatment again, shall we? Because emotionally isolating me is the best way to get me to do things the way you want me to. Sorry you two. Not anymore. Guilt tripping me doesn't work anymore.