OK, you have confused me. First off, you want to know how to Tom around without getting caught, correct?
That is easy. Never mention the relationship, no lingering glances, touching or personal emails (or phone calls, if you are slightly Luddite) at work, and provide your own transport to wherever you are meeting. Of course, your professional reputation is dependant on him keeping his mouth shut, just as his is depending on you keeping your mouth shut. It also adds a little bit of spice to the relationship. It also means you are both heading home alone in the rain, but if that is how it has to be, it is how it has to be.
Now, exclusivity? It varies, but in general, one of the few things guaranteed to make him blow his top and spill the beans is you starting to mess around with another guy. Guys are pretty territorial that way, and don't like other guys on their turf, even if you shave. So, I'd make the assumption that while you are stoating each other surreptitiously at every opportunity, you are a couple. And should be treating each other as such. Even if you can't publicly acknowledge it.
What is "stoating"? Is that a type of beer?
My word of the week - a rather old phrase, that deserves a comeback
I find this extreamly difficult to do. Like stupid hard. People are perceptive and it's really hard to not act like an intimate when you are. People pick up on even the most "professional" acting people. At least that's how it was when I worked with large groups of people. It was easy to tell who was boinking whom.
I interpret your request for a discrete releationship as one that no one can know about. That means so public dating, since there would be a chance that the two of you could be seen together and your cover blown. As it was mentioned: no contact or communication that isn't specifically work related. In fact, you would need to go out of your way to seem invisble to one another during work hours or at anything associated with the job.
I don't think you can discrete and exclusive. On both sides, if someone shows interest or if you show interest in someone else, the green eyed monster will surface. I think that's just human nature. Also discrete relationship have a tendancy to blow up when one person becomes more emotionally invested than the other and seeks more from the "friendship" than the other is willing or able to give.
Bottom line: it's just less of a hassle and problem if you are just up front with the relationship. I hate sounding like one of those talk show hosts (Oprah, Dr. Phil, etc.) but take the hit up front, be up front with your relationship, and avoid the embarassment later when the story eventually surfaces (and it will).
It's amazing that you you saw the woman behind my "Thaddeus" alias. Thanks for your response, MM et al. I get the whole "mums-the-word" requisite, but if either of us were to be hit on, by all appearances we are singles, so I am just unsure about how that will be managed. Maybe this will be more hassle than it's worth... :( Again, thanks guys and gals, I will know go and feast on this thought food.
*now