I'm not aware of any hard and fast rules, and I agree with you--I think buying her dad a gift after all this time is unnecessary. Your daughter is old enough now to decide how she would like to acknowledge the day for her dad, not you having to run out to the store to pick up something because you feel obligated. She can take more responsibility, and, in doing so, the day will mean more to her.
She can make him a card, of course, and a gift, too. I'm willing to bet that her school will have a Father's Day art project between now and June 19th; if not specifically for that day, kids that age are always making stuff at school, so suggest to her that she use one of those opportunities to make her dad a special gift. If that's not possible, you can take her to the dollar store and let her pick out something she thinks he would like (using her own money, if she has any, or yours).
The point is to let her decide what she wants to do and, with a little guidance from you, make it happen herself. She will take pride in the accomplishment, and, unless he's a droid, her dad will like the gift much more than something storebought (not that you care, but she will).
Thanks for the question.
You aren't obligated to do anything for him, BUT the civil thing and the grownup thing to do is to either a)take your kid to the store and let them pick out a card for him, then you buy it and let your kid sign it and give it to his dad, or b) encourage them to make a card or present and provide the necessary materials. Just because you aren't together and may dislike your ex, doesn't mean you should pawn off those same emotions on your child.
Plus seriously, it's just a card. It isn't that big a deal.
You're not obligated to buy him anything, but definitely encourage her in doing something nice for her dad.
Don't let your negative feelings for your ex effect her ability to think of and celebrate him as a father. I agree, don't go all out spending your money for someone who presumably hurt you in some way, but don't prevent your daughter from doing something nice for her dad if she wants to. Think what your refusal to let her get him a gift for Father's Day would say to your daughter. She might take it to mean she isn't supposed to think of him as her father.
Thanks for the input. Her teacher knows that she only sees her dad once a month, but her Papa (my partner) drops her off everyday so Papa is getting the Father's Day project. I know that a card shouldn't be a huge deal, but her father is a manipulative jerk who still manages to cause me pain. (A card is a huge deal since he was fiscally abusive to me and every purchase I made went through his wringer while he bought video games every week (I'm still in therapy; can you tell?))
I am holding my breath waiting for my daughter to think of him on her own, to actively remember him on holidays; but so far I have to remind her to make him cards, pictures, and to call him. She's six and I have no idea when, if ever, I can expect this of her. It's not exactly a milestone in the pediatric guide.
The fact that he doesn't want to see her on Father's Day is not helping. I was hoping that it was because he wanted to bond with his boys, but he has concert tickets that take precedence.
We will work on a present for him this weekend. Maybe seven is the magic number. Thanks.
If he doesn't try to be in her life, I wouldn't even bother with F.D. for him unless she brings it up, especially since she has another father figure to celebrate. If she does bring it up, a homemade card mailed to him is plenty--minimal effort for his minimal effort. Punishment? No, the natural consequences of his decision not to give a shit. I can tell you from experience that having a "sometimey" parent can be much harder on kids than not having him at all, so to me it's no big deal if she loses interest. You aren't obligated to maintain a relationship that he's not interested in maintaining.
Yes, yes! Please listen to Cary's comment here. I had a great father-figure (my mother's partner) in my life from the age of one. I also had a "sometimey" father who never made an effort. I still have MAJOR fears of abandonment and neglect, and a complete distrust of men... and I'm fully convinced that if I could have just fallen away from my dad and only had my father-figure around, I'd have a lot fewer issues from the situation.
If she doesn't mention wanting to be around him or giving him a gift, I wouldn't bring it up.
Does he get you a mothers day card from her?
Not once. But I got one from him the year I left him.
Hey Smokiechick,
I just thought I'd throw in my two cents and say Cary's reply to your comment is definitely the way to go, and also tell you way to go for being strong and smart enough to actively seek and receive therapy. I hope you continue too get better, and that your a**hole ex situation becomes far more manageable.
May seven be the magic year!
*to