I got no mystical wisdom of the Orient for you here. Just experience and a trick that sometimes helps.
You have two opposing things here. The guy lied to you (once that you know of) but makes you feel amazing. Both equally valid and important to you. Both meaning absolutely nothing on their own.
Go out and buy a bag of marbles. Sit yourself down, with two bowls in front of you. One bowl is the good, one bowl is the bad. Close your eyes and think of the good, and drop marbles into the good bowl. Then think of the bad and drop marbles into the bad bowl. You need to really think and concenetrate on these things, to get a true reading.
Keep doing that, alternating, until your entire bag of marbles is gone. Then, still with your eyes closed, pick up each bowl and tip the marbles back into the bag without counting them.
The number of marbles per bowl is totally irrelevant. The long talk you had with yourself while doing this is the important thing. The only one who can decide if something is unforgivable is you.
You just need to take the time to actually talk to yourself.
That sounds just like the question I've been meaning to ask. Without going into details about the history of my relationship, I've been confused about how I feel and what to do ever since my boyfriend confessed to a serious lie. It has now been almost a year since, and it's still in the back of my mind. I don't know if it's normal to be in a relationship with the person who broke my heart. Everything is so great now and I love him, he means so much to me...yet the way he treated me in the past still haunts me. I haven't held anything in, I've told him exactly how I feel, let out my anger and hurt...so what now?
If you knew what he did at the time, would it have been a deal breaker? (I mean like cheating.) It’s still a deal breaker with a lie on top. Time didn't fix it.., did it?
That sounds just like the question I've been meaning to ask. Without going into details about the history of my relationship, I've been confused about how I feel and what to do ever since my boyfriend confessed to a serious lie. It has now been almost a year since, and it's still in the back of my mind. I don't know if it's normal to be in a relationship with the person who broke my heart. Everything is so great now and I love him, he means so much to me...yet the way he treated me in the past still haunts me. I haven't held anything in, I've told him exactly how I feel, let out my anger and hurt...so what now?
He was dishonest & you stayed with him “back then” because, why again? The bottom line is, he was dishonest & HE needs to fix it, not you. Did he fix it? Are you holding it over his head or you just can’t get past what he did? Do you think he is dishonest now? What would you tell your bff to do, if she was in your shoes? Humm…
I only recently found out (from someone else), and he was actually dishonest with me before we were an exclusive couple, so it happened when we were supposed to be friends. I brought it up once, when I found out a couple of weeks ago, and he was obviously worried that I'd break up with him. And I seriously thought about it, and still am, clearly. It makes me question his character, and changes the way I look at our entire relationship. And makes me feel stupid. Basically, it confuses the hell out of me. I haven't mentioned it to him since, so I'm not holding it over him per se, but I'm thinking about it. Every day. And I can't help thinking, if he lied then, why not now? Because we're in love? But what about when that initial glow wears off?
Thanks, MM. I think I need some quiet time. For sure.
Quiet time to think helps us when no one else can.
Oddly, the marbles trick does work though. Helps you focus.
I'm going to do it. I will be tempted to count, though.
for me, and i've done this with questionable friendships as well, i do pretty much what MM suggested but without the actual marbles. for me its about deciding what is more present, is there more bad stuff present or more good stuff present, and by that i mean feelings. if you feel bad more than you feel good with this person, it may be time for that quiet time between the two of you. but if the good outweighs the bad, well then....when it comes to dishonesty, everyone has their own threshold for that and how far they will or won't go to forgive. for me, dishonesty is a deal breaker, depending on how bad the dishonesty was. i am the type that calls it out when i see it, but that doesn't mean it's always goodbye. if the person can own it and ask for forgiveness, we go ahead, but if not, i go ahead on my own. we're all human. but he makes you feel amazing, is that emotional or physical amazing? "emotional amazing" is pretty hard to find, but you will need to either let that dishonesty go, or let the guy go if you are feeling more bad than good when it comes to him.
I know a trick similar to the marble one MM explained.
When faced with a difficult decision, you do the classic "eeny, meeny, miny, moe". No, seriously, bear with me!
Write the two choices on a paper and go back and forth, pointing with your finger.
Close your eyes even.
When you finger lands on the last choice, open your eyes and imagine your future as if you picked that option.
If, for even a second, you wish that your finger pointed to the other choice...if you can't bear to live with the decision that feels like it has been picked for you...then you know which one means more.