I'm happy to help, but I'm not sure I understand what you're asking. What do you do to show appreciation to him that he is not doing in return? Are we talking verbal praise? Small acts of thoughtfulness? Saying "I love you"? I need some examples of what you're talking about, and so does your boyfriend.
There are a lot of ways that people show gratitude and appreciation. Some are more subtle than overt, and, in my experience, guys tend to be more about the subtle while women often look for more blatant demonstrations. A guy who has a hard time saying "I love you" might show that love in other ways, like making you dinner and filling up your car with gas or rubbing your feet after a long day at work. My point: is it possible that he's showing it and you're just not picking up on it?
Not that it matters much, because whatever he's doing or not doing, it's not enough. You are unsatisfied, and you have every right to ask for the kind of acknowledgment you need to feel valued by him. Whether or not he can provide it is another issue.
I suggest you go back to him and bring up the issue again, but this time with specific examples of the kinds of things you would like from him. Vague criticisms and broad indictments--"You never do anything nice for me" or "You act like you don't care", etc.--will lead to arguments every time. Be clear and specific about what you want, but also be positive and non-accusing. Instead of "You don't do this or that," try "It would mean a lot to me if you would do such-and-such sometimes."
If even a calm, positive approach to this topic leads to an argument, then you have a problem. You have to be able to tell your partner what you need to be happy without him becoming completely defensive and shutting down. If he can't handle a little constructive criticism and take to heart your pleas to feel more appreciated by him, then your relationship doesn't have much of a future.
Thanks for the question.
Am I the only one who thought she was asking about oral sex?
Thanks so much for answering. As for what I do to show appreciation, I always tell him I love him and the only times he says it is in response to my "I love you." I offer him back massages cause he has shoulder issues, I ask him about his day, compliment him, encourage him, thank him, cook for him, clean for him. I go out of my way to do something special if he's had a rough day.
He cooked for me ONCE but I had to BEG for it. A few weeks ago I said I wanted to bake something together, he said "no I don't wanna."
He also never cuddles with me and gets pissed if I ask. Its weird cause we used to cuddle ALL THE TIME the first like half of our relationship.
We went to couples counseling (not just for this appreciation issue but for even bigger issues we were dealing with at that time) and that helped initially but not anymore. We always had "assignments" to work on for the next session (saying "I love you" more, more physical interaction (not sex), etc etc etc.)
ALSO!
One last bit. The times I have brought up "I'd really like it if you did this" or what have you, he has an excuse. Like, "I'm always tired cause I have class and I work and you don't have a job so you have time to do stuff like that."
It seems the relationship is all about him but he thinks its all about me...I really don't want to break up with him, we've been through so much together and I want this to work.
Sorry for such epic novels of responses!
In that case he just sounds like a lazy, selfish boyfriend to me, one who doesn't really sound all that motivated to change.
Couples counseling after a year and a half together? Not a good sign. Counseling is great, but if you're having to work this hard this early, well... yikes.
I understand your need to want to make it work. It's like H said--you have to decide if you can live with his behavior or not, because I don't see it changing.
Some guys aren't good at doing things for others, but you could always try asking, such as honey, will you rub my feet, back, shoulders for me?. If he is always tired at the end of the day and doesn't want to be bothered to do things for you, then you can suggest scheduling a date on one of his days off. It doesn't matter what you end up doing as long as you are doing it together. His response to you will give you a fairly good bench mark of how he feels. Either you can live with his behavior or you can't, but only you can decide that.