Why wouldn't he? I think it's a nice gesture.
Just because a relationship ends doesn't mean a person stops caring about his ex. When you spend that much time with someone and get that close to them, you can't help but have a fondness for the person (unless the breakup was muy ugly). Exes share something no one else shares: a specific period of time when their lives intersected and they were the most important people to each other. Nothing can ever change or take away that small piece of mutual history -- it belongs solely to them.
I've been married a long time, but I still have warm fuzzies about some of the women I dated before I met my wife. I think about what attracted me to them, what I enjoyed about them, the good times we had, why I loved them, and what I learned about myself from them. As your boyfriend points out, each relationship in our past has helped mold us into who we are today, and he feels grateful to this particular ex for improving him. How many of our exes have ever thanked us for such a thing?
Does that mean he wants to date her again? No. If that's your concern, don't confuse fondness for a shared past with a desire to reconnect. After all, he said you are perfect for him, right?
I also get a sense of guilt from your guy about his relationship with this ex -- he's a "changed man" and a "better boyfriend" than he was to her, which suggests that he knows (or thinks) he made a lot of mistakes with her. His healthy relationship with you has opened his eyes to his failures with her, and the e-mail is his way of apologizing to his ex without coming right out and saying he's sorry, which is hard for anyone.
A third possibility is that he's taunting her: you're perfect for him (she wasn't). He recognizes good in you (because she was so horrible). He's a changed man (happy with you, miserable with her). But I don't think that's the case here. That would be some hard-core mind-f**king on his part, and few people are that sadistic. If he is, run.
No, my gut tells me that this guy loves you and loves the way you make him feel about himself, but he has some regrets about his ex and felt compelled to thank her and pseudo-apologize to her because he's a good guy.
I could be wrong, but why not assume the best in people until they show you otherwise?
Clicking the "love it" button just doesn't feel like enough. This was a great response (as I find all of your answers to be).
i definitly love this, and i agree. thats very nice of him ...
im not sure if the ex will WANT to hear this but as his new girl, you should be happy about this!
i love a man who treats people kindly, even their exes, especially to feel regret and say hes sorry (in his own way)..he must be a very caring boyfriend it seems.
We are all of us a sum total of our past and that includes past relationships. We would not be who we are today without them. I agree, it sounds to me like you're getting a good guy, one who has matured and grown perhaps as a result of mistakes he made in the past. Great answer, Cary.
I asked this question but I think there might be a misunderstanding somewhere since I did not fully disclose all the details. There is more to this story than just him telling her about how good we are together. He also further adds at the end of that email that "he still has a strong desire to be with other women" and "that lust is still strong in his heart" and that "he is worried because he still has a wandering mind". Huh?? Why would he say that then if I'm 'perfect' and we supposedly fit together so well? I'm just stumped and don't know what to think anymore.
Those are some pretty crucial things to leave out. He's either recognizing the devil in us all and admitting to a wandering eye...or trying to suggest something like hooking up with his ex without actually saying it. Either this is all requires too much speculation on your part when you can't directly ask the person what's going on.
While there's a difference between looking and touching, it seems suspect that he's telling all this to an ex. It doesn't matter how 'perfect' you are for someone because cheating isn't about you. It's about them, it's a selfish act
Why do you know he said all this? Can you not confront him because you used some not so ethical tactics to obtain this information?
We find trouble when we go looking for it. Maybe it's time to be single for a while, wait until you're ready to be a trusting human.
Cary, as always - beautifully put and Chantelle, you are always so insightful. I agree with 99% of what you say but part of me wonders about the cheating part being a completely selfish act. Each situation/person is unique. Maybe her insecurities could be fueling his wandering eyes? She obviously has trust issues (or at least entered this particular relationship with a distrustful mindset, perhaps because of a knowledge of his past) and, I'm sure, breaching privacy isn't the only offense here. Maybe she nags him endlessly but she cooks and cleans and is, otherwise, practically a saint? Any man would think he's found the love of his life when, in fact, he's found his mother. Maybe the sex really sucks and it's more important to one and ranks on a far lower level of importance to the other? There could be a million things that could make a situation seemingly perfect yet not truly be all that it seems. Anyway ... it does take two to tango and if there is a problem in the relationship ... it's probably a mutual contribution and needs to be addressed or they might well give up now.
Hmm, yes, that info might have been useful. But you can't win them all.
What can I say? Bravo...Everything, every word is meaningful...
Hey Devil,
Thanks for calling me insightful, gonna put that in my compliment pocket and keep it forever :P
I do agree with you that there are a billion reasons someone may not be satisfied and decide to cheat. What I mean by selfish, is that the decision to cheat was theirs and theirs alone. No one can make you cheat, force you to betray a trust. I believe in full ownership of a decision, no excuses. If there's a problem in the relationship cheating isn't exactly a solution. Talking about it with your partner, seeing a counselor, or breaking up are all better ways of addressing the issue. I think we're both on the same page about cheating because it's related to a relationship (several actually) but maybe my use of selfish wasn't exactly clear. For that, I apologize.
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