This is where I remind you of Einstein's definition of insanity, which is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results. The dude showed exactly you who he is the first time around when he "played" you then disappeared, which--let me guess--happened right about the time you started pushing for more than a casual relationship, right? Then he magically reappears two years later and you pick right back up with him? Why? Did you think he had changed?
Clearly the dude hasn't changed at all--he's still all about the head games. He gets you to like him, then he splits. He reappears two years later and wants you back in his life, but only on his terms and at arm's length (my guess: he's married or living with someone). He talks to you every day for hours, but he can't see you in person. Games. Childishness. Fuckery.
I'm sorry you took him back. I wish you had hung up on him when he called you back two years after he split like a coward without the basic courtesy of a goodbye. But you didn't and here you are again, in the middle of another ridiculous game. I'm sorry you've fallen for him, because I know that it's not going to work out like you want it to work out. You know it, too, deep down.
Do yourself a favor and cut ties with this guy immediately. Yes, it's hard, but the longer it continues, the harder it will be. You are wasting your time on this chump. He doesn't care about you--he might say he does, but his actions prove otherwise. You deserve better.
Thanks for the question.
If you are thinking that perhaps his behavior is anything other than horribly wrong and are looking for some deeper meaning to the complexity of this situation, you should probably give up now. He is screwing you over, and over, and over and will continue to until YOU break ties.
Original question asker here...You have no idea how complex this situation gets.
Cary, thank you so much for answering my question. You really nailed it. You too, Jan.
I just tried to cut ties with him right now, but I couldn't bring myself to talk about it. I have no idea what to say to him.
I keep rationalizing with myself that maybe it will work. I really want it to.
Anyway, I will let you know how it goes...
I think we've all had that person(s) who we really, really wanted it to work with. It takes an epiphanic moment to realize it's not going to work. Nonetheless, you know this guy is playing you...will yourself to move on. Ignore him if you want.
Don't talk about just stop picking up when he calls/texts/etc. He didnt give you the courtesy of a goodbye the first time around and he doesn't deserve one now. Deuces!
I agree that he doesn't deserve any typical break-up courtesies, but I wonder if perhaps it will make it more complete and final for YOU if you say something to him rather than just breaking contact.
If you need to, go ahead and say what you need to end things. Put a period on this painful electronic relationship.
Hey -----, I was thinking, as much as I love talking with you, I am always left wanting more. Something tangible. Real dates like a real couple. Face to face and skin to skin. I want a boyfriend not a chat room. This is too difficult wishing and waiting with no results. Broken promises and lies. I have to break ties, and move on... etc.
You are normal wanting normalcy and he isn't going to give you that. Likely not ever.
Be strong.
You're welcome, Imi. I hope it works out.
Hi Imi,
Your question isn't that uncommon....many of us are those who give someone the benefit of the doubt, even when they surely don't deserve it.
I had similar, with a guy who never wanted to get together, but flattered the hell out of me on the phone and told me how amazing I was and that he thought of me all the time and even JO thinking of me....it's kind of empowering and a rush...I know.
But, you aren't spending any time with him, and he doesn't want to. It's not real. It's something you've built from the fragments of "facts and interaction" that you've had, while filling in the rest with fantasy of what it "could" be. It's called an imaginary relationship (which is the term counselor's sometimes use) and is very dangerous for us to rely upon.
I know you don't want to be a "b**ch" about it, and don't want to look like a fool either, so you are making excuses for why you can't confront him. (I do the same thing).
You can say this:
Hi ____, Look, I really have enjoyed talking to you on the phone all this time. We've had a great time and it's been entertaining and comforting, but frankly, it's run it's course and I need to move forward with my life and seek a real relationship with someone who is actually physically IN my life, who will be more than a phone friend, but wants to be my partner, lover and confidant, who I can appreciate and value in the same way.
{If this comes up that he gives you BS about moving back, or long term promises, say}: "Well, if you move back to town in the future, give me a call, and if I'm around we can grab a cup of coffee, but until then, we need to go our separate ways...."
It's so much easier on the outside of the situation...I wish I had someone helping me with a "script" when I was having this issue....
best of luck to you.
:)
Excellent comments here. I'm always impressed by the wisdom and empathy of Guyspeak readers.
Jan is right: there's no deeper meaning here. He's a player and he's playing you for a fool, OP.
Fa is right: we've all been in your shoes, trying to force something to work that simply wasn't meant to be. It's no fun.
I also agree with both Fa and JLove--you don't have to explain if you don't want. You can just ignore him. Two wrongs don't make a right, but in this case I'm more concerned with what's easiest for you.
If you do choose to explain, what Goodkarmagirl suggests is great advice, especially the part about what to say when he starts laying empty promises on you. Don't ever forget that this is a guy who not only split without a word, but didn't have enough of a conscience to reach out to you once over the next two years to explain what happened. Not once in those TWO YEARS did he feel guilty enough about what he did to call or write you? That's unforgivable in my book.
I can relate to that because it just happened to me. I had hopes that he really changed for good, but no. Long story short, I cried a lot and decided to give him a piece of my mind. Today I called him and when he picked up the phone, I said- "Thanks for your interest. Thanks for calling me back (me being sarcastic, of course). Thanks for telling me that you wouldn't dream to stood me up (which he did, and never returned my call). And lest you forget, I'm not a blow-up doll. Good-bye." and hung up. Didn't give him a chance to reply. He hasn't call back. I'm still hurt and angry, but I know I did the right thing. Quoting Samantha from SATC, "I love me more."
I absolutely agree with everyone, and I think she should break it off completely with that loser.
My only question is, what's in it for him if he doesn't even see her in person and doesn't get at least sex out of the equation? Why would he even bother calling her for hours? Is he just getting off from playing mind games?
What is in it for him is an emotional affair with her that is giving him enough of what he is wanting and needing without physical contact.
In order for him to keep her, he is likely making unkept promises and plans for the future with her.
Also, he is likely telling her how awesome she is and how much she means to him. How she makes him happy and all the other crap he can muster to make this complex relationship continue.
He may or may not feel bad about it. Either way though, she sure seems to.
Just walk away. No more analyzing, waiting, dreaming. You'll be miserable for six months to a year and then realize it was the best decision of your life.
Nik, my guess is that he's priming her for that-convenient sex-once he's figured out when he can make that happen without getting caught. It was mentioned earlier that it's likely he's either married or cohabitating with someone and it seems fairly obvious that's the case.
Asker, sorry that you're stuck on an a-hole, but everybody's right...just cut it off. Something like this is happening to me now. I was thinking of returning his call-until I read this. You might have just spared me a year-long headache. Anyway, this dude didn't care enough to give you an explaination and you don't owe him the courtesy of an explaination. It's hard to be the one that cares more, but it'll get easier. Out of sight out of mind.
"Fuckery"..... Brilliant word! I shall use it in my vocabulary!
Aww sugar Im so sorry this happend to you. This was a good wake up call for me as well. So thanks =)
I agree with everyone about cutting it off , yah it hurts like hell but once you get over the heartbreak you'll find a guy who will treat you like a princess. Its better to leave now when you haven't wasted years and years of your life waiting for something that wont happen.
True Story: My bff from high school's mom * Im still close with mom* had a guy she knew from high school, he plied her with all these lovely ideas thoughts compliments etc...
She's like I am a hopeless romantic, she kept having hope for once something would go right for her. This man told her he was a general in the Marines getting ready to retire wanted to marry her, be there for her etc etc
Well long story short: She found out this year that he's 100% fake!!!! He lied about everything he ever told her, and she's spent 25 years of her life waiting on this man and something to happen.
So I say cut your losses now, you dont want to wait 25 years to find out its not going to work out... good luck