First off and by far the most important.
If you haven't already, get yourself to a doctor, pronto, and get that depression treated. There are no excuses to suffer severe depression without help. I want a comment from you, as soon as possible, telling me that either yes it is being treated, or yes you have made an appointment to get it sorted out.
Now, the whole needy thing. Of course you need cuddling, reassurance and love, especially at the moment. You will need to answer yourself a few questions:
- Does he actually know you are fighting depression? A lot of people hide it as something shameful. Stupid, yes, but normal.
- Does he know that depression is not the angsty emo thing that most believe it to be? The myths and misconceptions about depression are too many to list. Talk it over with him.
- Does he have his own problems right now? They can distract him, and, more importantly, make him feel that the affection and attention is strictly one way at the moment. Guys need love too.
Or he could just be a callously oblivious jerk.
MM, I may have fallen in love with you for this answer.
Love yourself enough not to worry about "being needy". People hate weakness...And unfortunately our society stigmatizes people who suffer from depression. Speaking as a lady who deals with depression on the daily , the best thing you can do is step back and help yourself first..
Men come and go, but your mental health should be your priority . Get well hun.
I can sympathize. My depression got me dumped. Just lay the cards on the table. If he still doesn't improve, walk away and find someone more worth your time. I beleive Marilyn Monroe said something to the effect of "If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Keep that in mind. If he's only interested in you when you're not down, then he doesn't deserve you.
And if he has his own problems, tell him that you're willing to be there for him if he can do the same for you. The tables turn both ways. Just be honest and see how it pans out, yeah?
I don't want to sound insensitive, as I have no personal experience with medical depression, but I have a piece of advice you may find useful regardless: you probably shouldn't depend on your relationship to be happy. I mean, it's great if it makes you happy to be in a relationship, but you're supposed to let your happiness be independent from it or you'll be miserable whenever you're single.
You must understand your needs are a bit more than most guys are used to, and you're setting yourself up for disappointment if you don't warn guys (tactfully) beforehand or expect them to know and satisfy all your needs right away.
The previous comment is right, if he can't deal with you at your worst he doesn't deserve your best, and we all get into the wrong relationship at one point or another, so it's best to be sure you can't get too hurt in the process.
Some people may not think this sometimes, but you are a great guy, MM. Seriously. I want to hug you.
Great answer MM! I'm shocked. Our MM appears all grown up.
It's not that we haven't talked about this over and over, I just don't know what I need to make him happy. He swears that he loves me 'more than anything...he's affectionate and a great guy. I want him to marry him and have children, but I'm afraid to show him who when I am floating down, and I'm afraid that someday he will leave me because he' fed up with trying to "fix me'
Sometimes I think he would be happier without me. I wouldn't be there to bring him down too. This is me, being a 13 year old right, now and thinking about the worst case scenario; haha.I know what is wrong with me, it's jus but 13 pills a to make me normal? I do it for my boyfriend mostly, Sorry I got off subject! I think he is willing to try...but you know that sweet and butter.
Point him, we love each other, and will do anything for one another, but how do I explain hit depression.mania, etc, without ruining our relationship
Nah. Depression is not something to mess with, ever.
Normal offensive service will resume as soon as I got this dust out of my eye.
I am seeing a therapist and am on medication but I still have bad days and bad moments. My problem is, when I'm down, he doesn't know what to do so he just walks away and hopes I will feel better soon. He's never been depressed or known anyone that has had to deal with this before, but I've told him numerous times that walking away from me only makes it worse, but he's afraid of saying or doing something that will set me off. I feel that regardless of my emotions, if he loves me, he should be able to comfort me, take care of me, or even put me in my place if need be. I just don't know how to get this across to him in a serious way. It seems like he's not taking it to heart. I don't know what to do. I'm beginning to feel like I'm no good for him and that I'm dragging him down with me by being the way I am...but if I could change it, I would. I would do anything to make him happy, but this is the one thing that I just can't fix. I've asked him if he was sure he wanted to be with me, even though I have this problem, and may possibly always have this problem, and he says he's sure, and he loves me no matter what...so what's the deal? What am I not saying?
Katie,
It does get better. Just hold onto that thought during the bad days.
Takes time, like everything else.
Have been on both sides of the depression problem. Guys like to fix things. You have something he can't fix, so he is at a bit of a loss, feeling useless. Tell him, from me, that when things get bad for you, just cuddle. No words, no chat, no distractions, no sex - just be together so you really know that you matter.
And thank you for letting me know you are being sensible and getting it treated!
Thank you for the response. I will share your words with him and hopefully we can get through this. He's a great guy and I don't want to lose him, and also, he apparently sees something in me..or he wouldn't still be here. ;)
Thanks again, MM.
I definitely agree with MM on this one. Another thing that might help him know what to do is if he sits in on one of your sessions with your therapist and you all discuss this issue. You can tell him all you want about what your therapist says might help or try to convey what he can do, but if he hears it directly from your therapist (who is a professional and has a bit more knowledge about the support most people who are depressed need) fears may be decreased.
MM, I really admire this answer and your followup comments. Kudos.
Love is a feeling you share and experience. It is not a "thing" that someone can give to another in measured doses. How exactly is he giving you"not enough" love? At what point is it too much?
He can only love you the way that he loves you. If he's doing something wrong, or not doing enough for you, or something, then that's different. But he just doesn't contain a high enough quantity of a certain emotion for you? You are love-deficient, and it's his job to sustin you?
I understand that you have emotional problems that are not your fault. But they aren't his either, and you cannot ask anyone else to be responsible for your emotional state or mental health. Let me repeat that: HE IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR EMOTIONS. If you are clinically depressed, that means that there is an imbalance in your brain, and no amount of man-love can cure that. If you can't be in a relationship right now, then bow out and get some help. But it's not his job to fix your brain. Let him deal with him, while you deal with you.
I don't blame him for any of it, nor do I think it's his responsibility to "fix" me, I simply expected to be loved regardless of my faults, as I love him. I'm not needy, he's just never experienced depression before, so as far as he's concerned, I'm a whole other species that he has yet to understand. I've been "seeking help" for this for 8 years, but only recently, has it gotten really bad, and I just want to make sure that he is still happy, and still loves me. It's just kind of hard to ask somebody that without it sounding like a loaded question. I never put the blame on him for anything. Like, I said, this is 8 years and going. We've only been living together for 6 months.