This is a follow up to the answer "After a lifetime of Obesity" posted January 5th. Good to hear from you again!
OK, lets break this down into it's parts.
Firstly, I asked a good friend who knows about this sort of thing what you should do physically to improve your skin's condition. Her response, apart from the inevitable time, is drink lots of water - 8 to 12 glasses per day - and take Vitamin E suppliments. Massage yourself with coco butter or Vitamin E gel at least once a day, and cover up any stretchmarks with fake tan (real tanning also works to reduce them, but use sunscreen). Over time, that will help to get your skin back into shape. That is important for you.
Secondly, the men problem. Sure, there are jerks, douchebags and Shallow Hal's galore, but every last guy you date? Either you are the unluckiest person when it comes to finding a guy, or there is a deeper problem working here.
Everthing goes great while you are fully dressed, right? Guys find you attractive, date you, show the inevitable interest in getting you between the sheets. Then everything drops into the crapper when it is time to peel off.
As you said men plural, I can safely assume it has happened more than once. So, different guys, different stages of attraction - what is the one common factor in these situations? (Hint - look in the mirror)
At least half of the problems you are having with men right now are coming from you rather than them.
We are all our own worst critic. Making a huge life change, like you have, makes us more critical of ourselves, not less. The emotional baggage from before is still there, whispering in our ears and trying to undermine us all the time.
Don't let it.
You have more to be proud of than most. You grabbed your life, shook it hard and turned it in the direction you want it to go. Tell your internal critic to shut up if she isn't going to be helpful.
Finally, tips for weathering rejection. I got nothing, apart from the trite and useless "It happens, don't take it personally." Hopefully the readers will have more and better advice.
About the rejection thing... Sometimes it helps to get mad! Not for everybody, and certainly forever. It's hard to explain, but getting mad, and thinking about it later can help a lot, if you are in a hard place.
in my experience.....covering up any stretchmarks with fake tan doest work...it makes them appear even more....even real tanning......I let my breast stay really white so they dont show up...but when i go to the beach and they happen to catch sun...that's it....since htey dont tan but my normal skin does....
Hello MM,
Thanks for once again fielding an inquiry of mine, and for consulting with your friend. I appreciate your efforts.
As you wrote, I do think part of the problem stems from my insecurities/relative inexperience with men.
While it's not every guy I've dated, the reality of my body has become an issue with every man I've gotten serious with. They've all said I'd make a great girlfriend, but they can't hack my physical reality. I'm relatively young (mid-20's), so I think some of it may have to do with the expectations/experience/maturity of men in my age demographic. While supportive, my guy friends say it's unfortunate, but understandable. That has been disheartening. Corrective surgery is not a financial option, nor a desire, but I guess I'm just wondering how much a body matters to men (I'm guessing a hell of a lot), and if that import can ever be overridden by the other parts of a person (I know that's a big question, and it's fine to leave it at a rhetorical one).
Anyhow, cheers. Especially for your honesty regarding rejection. Man, it just blows.
:-)
Yeah you on living a healthier lifestyle!
Have you considered dating more mentally mature men, than those in their 20s? It is unfortunate that men are visual creatures, but as they age they start to appreciate the inner beauty of a woman. You can also look for guys who are in the same situation that you are in. I think a man who has lost weight too can value the efforts you have made. It’s just a thought…
It could be you imposing your insecurities onto them when you clothes come off. For example: apologies, not enjoying yourself, not being fully involved because you think you are not attractive. Men are attracted to confidence, I myself am overweight (Kudos on you losing it! :) ) and have have some scars im not proud of. But in the bed room I act like im a sex goddess and the men I have been with cant get enough of me for it. Yes physical attraction in a relationships are important, but if you don't think your physically attractive then you ARE going to project that onto your partner, making it less fun and more work then they might want. So throw ur clothes off and take what u want from him, have fun, be free and relaxed and get lost in the moment. Do not apologize or ask him for his assurance. Confidence inspires confidence. And men eat it up ;)
If it blows so much, why not get the surgery? Is it skin excess? People have so many negative opinions re: corrective surgery but why feel so down and insecure about something that is possible to change. Yes you may be a wonderful person with a smashing personality and you've done so much to get to where you are today - why stop there? You only live once. You shouldn't let people's remarks get you down, but its tough not to - esp if it is every guy that has seen you withy our clothes off. There is something not right there. Sure you could always wait for that exceptional perfect guy to come along who can overlook your 'physical reality' and it would be awesome for that to happen. Sadly, i just don't think we live in that world were attraction is solely down to personality, despite what fairytale stories we are fed about princesses and frogs, beauties and beasts. If money will solve it - it's really not a 'problem' - save for it/ borrow it/ pay it off. Otherwise bb you will need to grow a coat of armour to survive in the superficial world we live in today.
I agree with the mention of trying to date more mature men. But, YOUR attitude is everything, as is enthusiasm. Love yourself, project confidence and really enjoy life- you are worthy of true love!
If you had fallen into a pattern of dating unavailable men (emotionally or otherwise) it's time to seek out and say yes to the ones that ARE available. Expect good dates and bad dates just like everyone else.....but do know that there is a lid for every pot. : )
Hello MM,
Thanks for once again fielding an inquiry of mine, and for consulting with your friend. I appreciate your efforts.
As you wrote, I do think part of the problem stems from my insecurities/relative inexperience with men.
While it's not every guy I've dated, the reality of my body has become an issue with every man I've gotten serious with. They've all said I'd make a great girlfriend, but they can't hack my physical reality. I'm relatively young (mid-20's), so I think some of it may have to do with the expectations/experience/maturity of men in my age demographic. While supportive, my guy friends say it's unfortunate, but understandable. That has been disheartening. Corrective surgery is not a financial option, nor a desire, but I guess I'm just wondering how much a body matters to men (I'm guessing a hell of a lot), and if that import can ever be overridden by the other parts of a person (I know that's a big question, and it's fine to leave it at a rhetorical one).
Anyhow, cheers. Especially for your honesty regarding rejection. Man, it just sucks.
:-)
Your question struck a cord with me. I am nearly 35 and have been in the same boat as you. I am currently seeing a man who likes my body even though I have stretch marks, jiggly thighs and more cellulite that I care to look at from a lifetime of being obese/overweight. When I make insecure statements about myself (not wanting to him to see me in a bathing suit), he scoffs at me. I have had a similar problem in the past with men (including my Dad) who used to say she has a great personality and such a cute face, if only she could drop the weight. For myself and my own health I have worked on it and still would like to drop another 50 pounds but since I began dating my boyfriend, I have lost 20 lbs just b/c I am happy to have someone who appreciates me for all that I bring to the table, including my physical imperfections. I still have a ways to go with working on myself but I wish you luck on doing what you have to do to love yourself first and then the rest will follow.
Hello Jettagirl. Thanks for commenting. It's great to hear from someone in the same boat, and awesome to hear you're in a healthy, happy place and with someone who appreciates you as you are. Cheers.
I don't have "stretchmarks" per se, but definitely the fat roll that stand out on my belly after losing weight in other areas and very thick thighs are NOT a turn on to me but I try to camoflage it by focusing on other areas and wearing a sexy bra or just taking the lead and seducing the guy first so he is so into the whole emotional part that the meticulous flesh exam isn't as high on his list.
I'm in my 40s, and have had enough experience and catastrophe with men over the years to know that sexy IS what sexy DOES. You are either sexy or your not. Fat or thin, tall or short, any color, any nationality. You have to BRING it. Fake it til ya make it. Act like ya know. OK...I think you get the picture. Act like if they don't want it, there is a line of men 100 feet long who do. Confidence is HOT. Insecurity is not.
Try surrounding yourself with girlfriends who love you...go get one nice sexy top, or bra. Do your hair. Get a long, outrageous pair of earrings. Show off your eyes....seduce him with all of your sassy charm....and let the beautiful you come out.
Last, but certainly not least, dump the man-boys, and go for someone a bit more experienced. Man-boys are insecure themselves, and even if your body was magazine airbrush perfect, they'd still find something amiss. It's so not your deal.
Good luck. :)
hugs.
Alright normally I'm just a reader but I feel close to this question as well. I'm a 25 yro female who has lost 120 lbs. Not once but twice in my life time. As I'am sure you can imagine my skin too had/has it's problems. Some areas fix themselves and others won't. I've kept it off for over 5 years now and decided I was sick of living with myself the way I was. So I went for it! I had cosmetic surgery and completely revamped my torso. I can not tell you how amazing I feel. For the first time in my life my stomach is as flat as a board. I also had some financial trials but I took out a loan and it's the best money I've ever spent. We live in a day and age where all these wonderful options are available to us. If anyone deserves to treat themselves to cosmetic surgery it's someone who's worked so hard to lose so much weight and change their lives. Why not make the transformation complete. I know surgery isn't something everyone is to keen on but for me I got to the point where it was my only option. The only way I could feel normal. My Fiance tells me I look the best he's ever seen me and he is older by the way, I also agree with that part. Older guys do know how to appreciate women better. Good luck and do what makes you feel good. You deserve it!
Don't be in such a hurry! You're young. Your body will heal itself if you continue to take care of it. If you decide surgery is the only option once all other avenues have been exhausted, you'll have more money later. Save for it. Keep losing the fat with lots of strength training, lean protein and fruits and veggies. And figure this thing out for LIFE! There are no quick fixes. Your 20s are for you, so become the best you that you can during these formative years. Experiment with the men, and yes, older is probably better, but don't be in any hurry! Ok? Been there, done that. Fat, thin. Rejected, accepted. Single, not single. It all works itself out when you give yourself time to find yourself. And now is the time. Not once you have three kids and a mortgage. Slow down and breathe baby. The steps you've taken are huge but you're not done yet. Think long term and live in the moment. Cheers and best wishes to you!
oh man, my heart breaks for situations like this. first of all, are you seriously coming across men that, point blank to your face, have the balls to tell you you aren't as attractive as they thought? those are not men, my friend. my response would be, "gee, and i was wrong about you being a nice guy too, huh." i've struggled with my own weight issues, i do believe every woman has them no matter what size she is, and it's hurtful. i can't believe i'm about to refer to my pancake booty in two posts here within the same 24 hrs, but yes, i have one, and i shop for bras online because whenever i go into the stores i get these sorry little sympathetic let's look in the juniors section for you honey looks. and people say things, thinking it's okay to say hurtful things to skinny girls, and it still hurts. i've had a few tears over it in my day. i repeat, we've ALL struggled with this one, and still are. i have been out with men, boob men, the one piece of work that stands out the most was the guy who said, "oh, i thought your boobs were bigger actually. were you thinking about a boob job or anything?" i laughed, said no, ordered the lobster and 3 of the most expensive cocktail and chalked it up to nothing more than a funny story for the girls. he got nuthin but the bill that night.
i think silky is onto something as far as considering dating older men. personally, i prefer to date older men for the reasons she stated. guy i'm dating right now is about 12 years older, and he's always talking about how men prefer natural beauty over forced. older men are more mature emotionally, less judgmental, more tolerant about the "little stuff" and they really and truly don't give a crap about stretch marks and things of that nature. fine tune your search options there and see what happens.
the point is, and MM is right, the common denominator is you. confidence doesn't come in a weight loss pill or a dress size. you have worked hard to get to this point, and you deserve to reap the benefits of every joy in the world as a result. who CARES who DOESNT find you attractive? as long as you do, that's enough confidence to attract the true spirits that will love your every stretch mark for the battle scars that they are. even as a thin girl, as a mom, i could draw my own atlas from them, but they are what they are, and embracing them is much easier than working to change them. every time you try and fix something within your exterior yourself you send yourself a message that what is there isn't good enough. stop that soundtrack right now and just....love the you that you have created. you ARE beautiful, JUST the way that you are. when you take a minute to not focus on the guys that don't believe that, you open up room to let in the guys that will. good luck!
Hello,
Thanks everyone for your comments,suggestions and support. Special thanks to Silkysly, L, ladyinthestreet and chrissie1101 :-)
In random response to some comments: While I fully understand/support other peoples' decisions to get cosmetic surgery, I know it's not for me financially or emotionally at this juncture.
I agree, as MM and others have noted, that a lot of this stems from my own insecurities and issues. It's actually kind of a relief, because it means I can do actively do something about it.
Anyhow, thanks again everyone. I enjoy many of your comments on other threads, and really appreciate your time and attention here.
All the best and cheers :-)
Hello,
Thanks everyone for your comments,suggestions and support. Special thanks to Silkysly, L, ladyinthestreet and chrissie1101 :-)
In random response to some comments: While I fully understand/support other peoples' decisions to get cosmetic surgery, I know it's not for me financially or emotionally at this juncture.
I agree, as MM and others have noted, that a lot of this stems from my own insecurities and issues. It's actually kind of a relief, because it means I can do actively do something about it.
Anyhow, thanks again everyone. I enjoy many of your comments on other threads, and really appreciate your time and attention here.
All the best and cheers :-)
I have scars on my body from being born premature, stretchmarks, and spider and varicose veins. I try not to feel insecure, but it happens. I guess the most important thing to know is that EVERYONE has imperfections, it's just how much emphasis you put on them.
I'm skinny but i have cellulite and stretch marks! I just pretend they don't exist. hah.
it is a big deal
Honey, the problem is in your mind only. PLUS: the fact that you simply choose the wrong men.
I am a bit puffy, haven't reached 100kilos but still, I am not thin. I've got curves and so on. I lost weight but still, I'm not skinny.
I have cellulite (some of my very skinny friends have too).
I have stretch marks (some of my very skinny friends have too).
BUT.. I have a man who loves me, a fuckbuddy who loves me in his own way too :))) (I know, shame on me!) and all in all I am happy and I feel admired and appreciated. One of my ex bfs wanted me back and wanted us to get married. I fell happy -in my own way- and I am the one who chooses the man in my life. What's that with validating yourself upon a man's opionion?!
Who is not happy with you is free. The house is yours, the exit door is his.
;)
More than half of my thinner friends don't feel like that, they are sad and unhappy in their relationships, don't feel appreciated and so on.
Got my point ?
It's not about your body.
It's about you. Stop seeing immature guys and dump thouse assholes.
PS: Try argan oil. sweet almond oil and shea butter- organic stuff. Makes wonders for the skin, used them too when I lost weight.