You can say, "What the hell is wrong with you? Do you really think that humiliating your son to me will make him stop doing what he loves and pick a new career that you deem worthy? Do you think that his job choice or how much money he makes is more important than his happiness and self-esteem, which you destroy a little bit more every time to remind him what a failure you think he is and how much he disappoints you? Do you realize how he must dread and loathe being around you, and that one day he will stop coming around completely? Do you understand how much he must detest you, how much I detest you, and how every time you open that foul, bile-spewing orifice you call a mouth, it's all I can do not to come over there and slap the shit out of you?"
Or you can just say, "No, he needs to find a better mother." Or even, "Wow, that's not very nice."
But I'm not sure you should.
Yes, she's wrong. So, so wrong. Her behavior is disgusting and cruel, and someone needs to tell her. Before you do, though, consider the consequences.
For one thing, telling her she's wrong won't change anything. She's knows it's wrong; she doesn't care. Parents who try to motivate kids by embarrassing them always think they are justified.
Also, your boyfriend might not want you to say anything, even in his defense. This beast is still his mother, and as crazy as it sounds, he might not appreciate you getting in her face. Or it could just humiliate him even further to watch you two go at it over her disapproval of him.
Lastly, once you say something to her, she will never forget it--you will always be that girlfriend who stuck her nose in their family business and had the gall to tell her how to raise her kids. I'm not saying she would be justified; I'm saying that she will always remember what you did, even if you stay with this guy and become his wife and give her five grandkids with him, and she will always hold it against you.
If you don't care what she thinks of you now or ever, then by all means, speak your mind. Give her the verbal beatdown she so richly deserves. But first, I recommend that you think very carefully before jumping into the fray with this dysfunctional family and getting their muck all over you, as it will be hard to wash off. A simpler choice might be to tell your boyfriend you would rather not be around his mother because of the way she treats him, and leave it at that. He's a grown man, anyway; shouldn't he be the one to tell her to shut her festering gob?
Thanks for the question.
"He's a grown man, anyway; shouldn't he be the one to tell her to shut her festering gob?" -> The best part!
Monty Python thanks you.
I think she could stand up for her boyfriend without being confrontational or angry. Next time the boyfriend's mom starts in, she could just smile and say, "I think he's perfect for me. I'm glad that he's found a job that he enjoys. Money isn't everything. So many people work at jobs that they hate and have miserable lives as a result. He's happy with his job choice, and I'm happy for him."
If the son wants his mom to treat him differently, he will need to speak up, but the girlfriend can make her own position clear without calling the mother names or attacking her verbally (even though it can certainly be argued that the mother does have that coming to her).
Don't speak disrespectfully to his mother- they will both remember it forever. He may be aware of her cruelty, but perhaps has accepted it as part of who she is, that she will never change, and ignores it.
The hard part of witnessing this, is you are seeing emotional abuse. Something that could be an issue that affects you in your relationship with him. So maybe talk to him about it, and gage his coping skills......that might offer you some peace of mind as to how well adjusted he is.
If he can't or won't say anything to her to stop her comments ... he never will. NEVER. Decide now if this is something you are willing to put up with because today it might be about his chosen career path. One day it could be about the house you two pick, or about the clothes you dress your child in (or don't), or about the way you clean your house, or how you two spend your money ... and he will not step in to come to your defense because he cannot stand up to her. Trust me - this is a big red flag. Be glad you can (hopefully) see it now.
Why can she just respond with, "I think (Son) is the best! And I'm so lucky to have him!"
Cary was right, telling Mom you are happy with him and he is happy with his job is a good thing. Verbal attacks can backfire, he may resent the gf talking bad about his mom. Rethink the relationship, too. If she is abusive to her own son, she would probably be abusive to her own grandchildren. Remember, you don't just marry a man, you marry the family, too.
man, this makes me so glad that my mom is a delight instead of a jerk. anyway, in this sort of situation, i usually look at my fella all starry-eyed and say something about how i could NEVER find anyone better because he's so wonderful. that way you're not just sitting by while he gets insulted, but you aren't being rude either.