I know it's 2010, and the country's first African-American President is in the White House. But bi-racial relationships are still a challenge -- for both people. I know most white guys would probably say "I have no problem dating a black chick!" But society still, STILL, frowns on two people of different ethnicities becoming romantic. Sure, it's accepted. But society still exerts subtle pressures, hushed judgements, and soft obstacles.
What I'm saying is: there is no accounting for attraction. Sometimes, I feel like we're all a bunch of orphan Legos searching for someone to click with. When that happens, when you meet someone who is the heat you've been seeking, then all bets are off. Friends don't approve? Buh-bye, friends. Dad not sold? Love you, old man, but mine is a free range heart. Your love inspire stares? Drink it in, people. Take one big gulp with your eye sockets. I have dated women of many races, and religions. And I dated all for the same reason: we clicked. They made me laugh. Their kisses tasted beer and bubble gum. Our hands were the right size -- hers just small enough, mine just big enough.
You know, I'm the product of a bi-racial marriage. My mother is Mexican-American, my dad was a white guy. A honky. I'm part wetback, and part redneck. A wetneck. They loved each other intensely. Even when they fought, they loved. There's was a love affair that spanned forty years, that took them from Texas, to Washington DC. Saw them raise four kids. Their love was a hot-air balloon. Sometimes an endless water slide. It was a crutch to lean on, and a torch that lit that final dark mile from chemo, to the ICU, to his final breath. And all the while, they had been judged. The South don't take kindly to the races mixing, at least, not decades ago.
People would shake their heads. In the early days of the civil rights movement, it was even dangerous for two people of different races to hook-up, much less shack-up.But you know what? My parents could have given a crap. Courage is following the hearts strict orders. "Love this person." "Sir, yes sir!"
There are plenty of white guys who will probably turn into flakes, or lose their balls, when trying to date a black woman. And let's be clear: there are a lot of people in the African-American community who aren't totally thrilled with whites and blacks dating either. But here's the thing: if you date a white guy, and he gets weird, chances are he was going to get weird regardless of race. He wasn't your Lego. No hard feelings. Many people don't feel they exist until they are told what to think and what to do.
And then there are people who know they exist, and spend their lives showing people they exist by thinking, doing, dancing as they please.
Love who you want. Kiss all race, religions and creeds! Ignore the gossip. The half-yawn, half-whispers of sneering busybodies don't keep you warm at night, nor do they curl your toes. So who cares? Prejudice is fear brought to life. Like a zombie. The undead. My parents just floated up into the air and over them.
Great post :) I'm down for the swirl. Go on girl! Get some! Who gives a rats ass about race? When the lights go out all that shit is the same .
If we all mixed, we'd all be the same "race". :)
Ignore the stupid people. Love is as love is, irregardless of the color of our skin.
Also, on a side note, some white guys are a bit intimidated, I believe, because of Hollywood. Hollywood seems to love to portray all black men as either gangbaning hardasses, ex-gangbanging hardasses or grew up around gangbanging hardasses so they had to be hardasses to survive, who are all very angry about the idea of white men dating their sisters. It's ridiculous, but it's the picture they paint, over and over and over. You can almost guarantee that if you see a successful black man character in a hollywood show, he grew up in the ghetto fighting for his life. No originality at all.
Even the white guys that know this isn't reality have a hard time not letting it taint their world view. It's hard not to when your constantly being fed that information.
I don't think anyone should ever actively seek to date someone solely on the basis of their ethnic make-up. If you happen to click with someone who is of a different race than you are, then it should happen naturally. Be open and less self-aware and the rest will follow. There will always be someone who has an issue, but if the initial attraction and the desire is there, it won't be a problem. I've dated several white guys, and they were never ashamed or tried to hide it from their friends or family. John said it perfectly, 'love who you want," life is so much more fulfilling when you do.
orphan legos.
devore, i love you in a non-creepy way. that was a beautiful post. your affection for your parents and your respect for their relationship is almost tangible when you write about them. i will definitely be thinking of this post to give myself courage when i bring my not-the-same-race boyfriend home to my parents.
My mom is a Blond Haired/Blue Eyed white lady and my dad is a Black Haired/Dark Skinned native/indian. They started dating in the late 60's early 70's and faced a lot of prejudice. My dad's family called my mom names, my mom's family called my dad names, strangers stared, commented, judged and sometimes made it hard for them to just exist. It was a challenge then and even today still would be.
They couldn't deny their attraction and love for each other. They weren't embarrassed to be together and they never hid their relationship. The ones that are embarrassed or ashamed have issues with themselves that need to be worked out. Relationships shouldn't come with *'s.
I blame the stereotypes black women get. We're always called "loud", "aggressive" and "bitchy" which of course, we combat with a "I'm STRONG, what, you can't handle me? F**k you then."
Now I know tons of loud-mouthed, aggressive and bitchy white girls so I never understood why I'm always the one who gets a bad rap for being a bit mouthy but if a guy has a problem with you because of the colour of your skin, than that's his fault, not yours.
I've grown up in a family full of mixed races so I've always been open to dating outside my own race but I know it's a struggle.
My great grandparents are Spanish/Unknown + Pakistani (Great Grandma)
My grandparents are English/Irish and Pakistani/Spanish (Nanna)
My parents are Black/Chinese + Pakistani/Spanish/English/Irish (Mom)
Then there's me. I basically call myself the World when anyone asks what I'm mixed with.
Bottom line, if people love each other, skin colour shouldn't scare you.
My black roommate in college had a white boyfriend.
At the time I had a Hispanic boyfriend, and I'm white.
My brother married a Hispanic girl, and they've just celebrated their 4-year wedding anniversary.
Does it really matter the ethnicity of the people we love? Sometimes cultures clash, but we're all people, and children of the universe (or God or whatever deity you believe in).
Where I live, nobody really cares about mixing ethnicities together except for a few really old fuddy-duddies. White people go to the Indian pow-wows, and cowboys of all races frequent the rodeos. Sure, you still hear the jokes, but they're more likely to be told by the very people they make fun of!
BTW, John DeVore, it doesn't surprise me that you're half Hispanic. I think sometimes that all Spanish men are required to go to some school called El Hombre to learn how to flirt.
RP...after reading this post...i have (in a you dont have to get a restraining order type of way)...official crush on you.....
Great answer :)...and it's awesome how we get to learn more & more about you, John - layer by lovely layer...
JOhn, great answer!
Wow...that was breathtaking post. Thanks, John.
Cary is my first love here on GS, but gawdamn. I know why he likes and respects you so much John. This damn near put me in tears.
And for the record, I am technically in an interracial marriage... I say technically because it always comes as a surprise to me when I stop to think about it... since I never thought about it. I just fell in love.
And to the LW, if he has to stop and think about it, then move on to someone who won't.
My boyfriend is Chinese and we've definitely have faced some bumps in the road. Even though were in college people still stare at us when we're on campus, but we don't care. From the beginning race never mattered to us. we just like each other. At the end of the day its about how we feel about each other and that all that matter to us.
Anyone who has a problem with us can go kick rocks as far as I am concerned.
Prejudice is fear brought to life. Like a zombie. The undead. My parents just floated over up into the air and over them.
Now that.....was beautiful.
This was abosolutely beautiful. I believe that parents in a healthy, loving relationship teach their children so much about love and respect. So many young people these days don't know what a healthy relationship looks like. Beautiful JDV. Truly.
John:
I am the poster of this question. Thank you for taking my question to heart. That was the only way I could believe your words.
Thank you for being honest, open, and vulnerable, and sharing your personal story.
Thank you for not making fun of me, patronizing me, or giving me a BS answer. Your response was as full as my question.
My dating life has included men from the U.S. and over a dozen other countries, and marriage proposals from North America, Africa and Asia (maybe Australia is next, who knows?). I turned them all down because none were meant to be.
In my love of all things male and testosterone-scented, I lead with my heart, not my mind.
Which is why I've been blindsided, and repeatedly hurt, when some of the guys -- yes, the white ones-- turn away, drop my hand, or stop talking to me when their friends show up. When they tell me "their friends wouldn't understand." And then their friends ask me out telling me the same thing. (This actually happened to me three times at one party.)
My family members have been shunned by their in-laws, kids told they can't play with their cousins because their skin colors are different (through marriage). Racism and prejudice do exist in the world -- and yes, the south. I believe though, mostly amongst the ignorant.
So I wanted to digest your answer, and all of the stories shared here, before responding with the fullness of my gratitude -- to you and the commenters -- and sharing the feelings that prompted the question. Reading this has kind of healed that hurt in a way.
I didn't need you to speak for all white men, or to be my therapist, but you so beautifully opened a window into yourself, which turned out to be a portal of clarity for the rest of us. Thank you.
I no longer have a crush on you. My respect has outgrown it. I want to hug you now instead of kiss you.
You let me know that sometimes a guy just isn't meant for me, or just not ready to face up to his fears, his truth, or other people's opinions.
And that sometimes two legos just don't click.
Thank you, my friend.
Namaste.
Aw, DeVore, you're a poet. Love this.
I'm in an interracial relationship right now. The only really annoying part is the looks and stares me and my boyfriend get when we are out. You'd think we were two Siamese twins with carbon-run, phason cannons glued to our heads when you see some of the looks we get. That's about the only thing, along with the snide remarks we catch from both our races who think they are being "funny" when they say something about us dating, when in reality it just shows how bothered they are with our relationship.
It really doesn't matter though. I care about him, he cares about me, I'm pretty happy. Just date him and the not the world, that's my advice.
My boyfriend is Egyptian and I could give 2 shits what anyone in the world thinks, in the end it comes down to the feelings that you have for another. I hate that society paints a picture of what you should be doing with your life, but they're not the ones living it, YOU ARE. So do what you want!!!! "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got"
Look, I love RP, but as a Mexican I feel that wetback thing went a tiny bit too far.
Sorry for the double post, everyone. The advice however, was pretty good. Why should race or religion stop anyone from dating?
Great post. I wholeheartedly agree. Except the statement "The country's first African-American is President" is backwards. Obama isn't the first African-American in the U.S. He is the first president that happens to be African-American though. That did make me giggle though!