OK sweetheart, first thing you do is call 1-800-784-2433 or 1-800-273-8255, assuming you are in the continental US. It's free and you really need to hear someone's voice right about now, The people on those phone lines are smart, wise, compassionate and might even surprise the odd laugh out of you. They also actually care. Most of them have either been their themselves, or have a relative who did commit suicide.
A simple answer from me ain't gonna be enough here. Having said that:
Depression is horrible. No one who has not suffered it can understand just how bone grindingly, nerve searingly bad it is. How it colors your every day a dull grey and destroys your nights. It turns even the most mundane thing into a labor of Hercules. I know.
You need to talk to your Doctor soon. The meds you are on may simply not be the right ones or the right dosage for you. By going and talking to him, you are taking steps to handle the problem. Make sure he or she understands that you have kids to look after, as that is a surprisingly big factor in what to prescribe. Some of the meds can pretty much turn you into a zombie, who don't tend to make the best parents.
Secondly, your kids. They'll not take them away as long as you can cope. That is the depression talking. Getting to the doctor and reporting that the meds are less than effective is showing that you can cope. Do care deeply. Look, I know exactly how frigging hard it is for you to even get out of bed at the moment. Yet you do, every day. Because your kids need you to. You go through the day feeling like shit and wondering if it is all worth while, but the important thing is you get through the day. Every day. If that is not handling things, what is?
What you are thinking about at the moment is far far worse than some temporary embarassment. Worse for you and far worse for your kids.
So just don't, OK? You ain't made of stone and steel. Just flesh and blood like the rest of us. Give those numbers a call and take their advice. Now.
Please.
Great answer, MM.
Another thing to keep in mind is that depression is not your "fault". It's more than just a mind over matter situation. Many factors go into what makes a person depressed, and a large part of it is an imbalance of brain chemicals/hormones which affects your mood changes. If you were sick with a cold, you wouldn't be mad at yourself over it, and you shouldn't be upset at yourself for being depressed either.
I take medicine that is for arthritis, and one of the side effects is that it affects my mood and can give me anxiety. Pretty much anything that affects our body chemistry can affect our sense of well-being. It's nothing to feel embarrassed over.
You really do need to get to a doctor. That is the first step in feeling better. From there, they will help plan a course of action for helping you to feel better whether it be counseling, medication, or in-house treatment, which is normally something they save for people who have been on medicine already and have gotten their levels mixed up and need to be stabilized again.
Realistically speaking, they can't take everybody's kids away who has depression. The government would be burdened with SO MANY KIDS if they did that. Society wants people to be responsible for their own children. So please don't let that stop you from getting help. There is no reason for you to suffer unnecessarily. Depression is not difficult to treat.
I got close to it myself this spring. Talked to my doctor and tweeked my meds. Talked to my therapist and started seeing him twice a week.
You don't mention a partner, so I'm going to assume you don't have one. (If anyone else is reading this who is in the same place but has a partner: talk to them and allow yourself to lean on them).
Let the kids know that Mommy is sad. They know; acknowledge that. Remind them that you love them. Until you can keep it together for yourself; keep it together for them.
My fiance's father killed himself this summer. My fiance is a mess. His father will not be at our wedding. He will not hold our child. He will never come to Thanksgiving at our home. My fiance falls apart about once every few weeks, he's in his thirties. I can't imagine what would have happened to my six-year old if I had gone through with it...
Call the numbers. Call your doctor. You are doing it to take care of your kids. They need you.
This might help... Hang in there.. I love you.
http://suicideprevention.wikia.com/wiki/International_Suicide_Prevention_Directory
Hang in there... I know its hard to believe now but it DOES and WILL get better. It always does. I love you. And please either call those number he has provided you with or check this site out.
http://suicideprevention.wikia.com/wiki/International_Suicide_Prevention_Directory
Again, I love you and I promise you with all my being it will get better. Trust me.
sometimes your answers are mean MM. but this time, it's different. you are so compassionate and caring. there are times that people really need kind words and good advice and this one i think was well choosen. well done !!
I could not be mean on this one. I mean, I am a sod, but not a total sod.
i have someone in my life who has children, depression, and at one point was a suicide risk. she is getting help, sometimes she needs it every day, sometimes she doesn't need it for months. but she has full custody of her children and her illness is well known and documented. unless your parenting skills are being affected by this illness, they will not take them away, and getting help is going to make you a better parent. NOBODY in the professional realm will see this as a weakness. there is nothing i could say that MM hasn't already covered. but i have also lost people, yes more than one, from my life due to this illness, and one thing that makes them different from you is that they never asked for help. i truly believe with all of my heart that if you didn't want to be in this world you wouldn't be reaching out. keep reaching sweetie, there are lots of people willing to grab that precious hand of yours and help you through this. keep us posted, god bless.
Also if you have a relative or friend whom you can trust and who can help you with the kids, don't feel ashamed to ask them. Sometimes we try to take on too much by ourselves.
I've made an appointment with my doctor for friday. I'm still scared, my kids are everything too me. but I want to be able to be there for my kids as much as I can and be as happy as I can for them. thank you MM and everybody. it sounds corny, but the words are helping. thank you for taking the time to help me.
Any time.
Good on you for making the appointment.
And you drop us a line about what is going on, ok? Either here or as a follow up question.
Just mention this question date so I can find it again, and I will answer.
Just a quick update, for anyone just finding this question. The asker got in touch today:
"Hey MM you answered my question on November 20, 2011. I talked to my doctor got on some different meds and I'm looking into free cousolling here (canada). things are still stressful and I'm still struggling, but it's getting easier. thank you for answering my question. I was so scared to talk to anyone, and It still scares me not knowing how bad I might have gotten. I'm still nervous about my kids, my sons autistic so CPS sends a worker to help with his therapy. I know i need to be my best for him. It's a long process but thank you for making me feel like I could go for help, and I wasn't crazy."