Leave his parents out of the equation: he's a grown-up. He's the one who needs help here. The parents are going to have to keep.
As for how to tell him, you tell him, flat-out, that it is not OK. And then be ready for a long, difficult time. I'm not going to lie to you: this is going to be a struggle.
He thinks it's OK because he has to. It's his way of dealing (or rather not dealing) with the abuse. You're not going to convince him it's not OK, but you can convince him to talk to a therapist. You can't heal him, but you can start the process. The rest is really up to him.
One thing that might help, as odd as it sounds: this column from Internet humorist John Cheese. At the very least, he might be able to relate, and it might offer a starting point.
Good luck and my hopes are with you.
Cracked reference FTW. :)
Seconding that link. One of the most beautifully thoughtful pieces on breaking the cycle you are likely to ever read.
The fact that it is funny as hell is a bonus.
I know of someone who is in a similar situation, except he believes that only boys should be punished like that. Girls should be given everything that their little hearts desire and that - if she is given whatever she wants - she will turn out to be the mostly lovely little Princess whom all adore. I've tried to explain that NEITHER way is an effective parenting strategy. Boys need affection and girls can be little hell-spawn who need to be put in time out, but he thinks I have no idea what I am talking about.
My advice to you? Before getting into it in the long-haul, I would rethink this. Especially as to how important this issue is to you. If he doesn't see at all why this is wrong, then when it comes time to practice he probably isn't going to listen to you trying to get him to discipline in any other way. Like it's been said, I would at least try to get him to therapy.
I've read that article before! I love it. :)
A certain amount is perspective, I had wonderful parents, they didn't punnish us physically (we got spanked a handful of times, but it was never hard, just scared us a bit) but they were still firm disciplinarians. My father who didn't grow up in an affectionte household, quickly learned to as invilved and loving as my mediteranean mother. They were far from perfect, but all in all pretty great. But recently I told a story, one that I thought was pretty funny, and relevant to a converstaion we were having about joint problems. I have excessive lasticity of the tendons, aka loose joints, and because of that I had a tendency to stand pigeon toed with my legs hyper extended when i was growing. The doctor had told my parents many times that that put pressure on my already weak joints and that I should avoid doing it. My father's solution, was that everytime he caught me standing like that he would kick me in the back of the knees (not hard) causing my knees to buckle slightly and then say "bend your knees". He never ever did it hard enough to hurt me, or even make me fall down, but it surprised the hell out of me, and eventually stopped standing like that. to me it was no different thatn spraying the cat with a squirt bottle when it jumps on the table, just a reminder, but my audience looked absolutely horrified, and then I was stuck having to defend my childhood, over a silly story.
PLEASE YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN--GET OUT!!!!!b 4 its 2 late---it only gets worse--y put u and ur children in this hell?????????????????/ YOU my darling an break this abuse--it will get worse not better--he's sick and has made u and ur children sick----u nand ur children need consoling also--staying there u r condoning his behavior 2wards u and ur children---please want and get happiness 4 u and urs---thank you
Pay attention! She said that she told him it WILL not be okay, implying that they are not as of yet in the abusive cycle, but rather she is looking to prevent it. Furthermore, he is not sick- he was raised to believe a certain way. That is not his fault, it's his parent's fault. She is willing to help him get through this which is what he needs more than anything. If he doesn't deal with it properly it won't matter if she leaves him or not, his belief system will be the same and he will be more likely to act the same way towards the next woman/children in his life. I commend her for loving him enough to want to help him to become a better man and actively seeking out ways to do so. Now if he refuses to get help or cannot work through his issues properly after all is said and done, THEN she should consider leaving for the safety of herself and her children.
thank you for what you said to correct the ignorant anonymous above us :)
i feel the same as you, and am proud of the question asker for her strength and courage to love him and try to help him and for standing by him knowing his history!
thank you for what you said to correct the ignorant anonymous above us :)
i feel the same as you, and am proud of the question asker for her strength and courage to love him and try to help him and for standing by him knowing his history!