By not doing it with him in tow.
I can imagine that dating as a single parent is hard. I know that just being a single parent at all is incredibly tough, because it's no picnic even with two people. My hat is off to you and every other single parent reading this.
Your instincts are right; you don't want to have men coming in and out of your son's life. I think it would be very easy for a young boy not living with his father to get attached to another man his mom might bring around. Then, if the relationship doesn't work out, it's not just you who's hurt, but your son, too. Trouble is, you are much better equipped to get over disappointment and loss than a six-year-old.
My parents divorced when I was nine, and my dad hit the dating circuit with a vengeance. But we didn't meet any of his dates until he'd been seeing them a while, and for the same reason you mention. He didn't want my sisters and I to get attached to someone who might or might not be around long. It was a good strategy, and one I think you should try. Date all you want, but choose carefully whom you let your child meet. There's no rush to expose your son to a new man in your life, and besides, you need to get to know the guy on your own before bringing your child into the mix.
Now, my sisters and I did end up meeting some of my dad's longer-term girlfriends, we did get attached, and it was hard for us when each relationship ended. We got over it, though. It's just a chance you have to take once a relationship starts to go somewhere. You can't shield a potentially serious boyfriend and your child from each other forever, and you can't avoid dating because you are afraid of hurting your son. Life must go on.
As long as you are patient and selective about which dates you introduce to your son, though, and as long as he understands that any new friend is just a friend for now and not his new father, then you've done your part.
Good luck.
Now you see, this advice is ten times better than all of the women I've asked in the same situation. Thanks Cary.
Glad to help, M.
Excellent answer, Cary! I agree completely. Sam was very little when his dad and I divorced. I dated two people inbetween my ex and my now husband and Sam only laid eyes on one of them. That was after we'd been dating quite some time, and even then he had no idea that the guy was more than a friend, and he certainly never spent the night in my home. It's not easy to do, but I'm very glad I handled it the way I did.
Thanks, Smama.
Very well said. Children of single parents have enough to deal with without adding any extra confusion or pain for them. Great advice, Cary.
Well, better said than done because I Always get the guys that say, "I want a single girl, you know, one without kids." My "kids" are 15 and 13.. ya gotta go home and change those diapers! now, it backfires, " I want my own kids." ya, right sure at 38? good luck with that queer! so sick of all the bullshit! Tired of being single and being punished because I have "kids".
Exceptional advice! I, too, agree completely. Great job Cary!
What about the men who can't stand dating women with any kid of any age, via infant to teen? I get that all the time and my girls are 15 and 13, thus why I been single for so long and then I also get, "I want my own kids someday." and the dudes are like 38 yrs, ya anyways.
Then those guys are no good. If a man truly wants to be with you then the fact that you have children shouldn't matter. If they don't want your kids then you should NOT want them.
I'm a single mom of a 4 year old boy, his father passed away so it is truly just me. I made the mistake of introducing my now ex boyfriend to him and they got very close but the relationship didn't work out. Now my son still asks for him, it's heartbreaking and I will NEVER make that mistake again.
What Mykidmeanseverything said.
Well thank you very much! Sometimes I know what I'm talking about!
but, I never share my girls with any guy...noone gives me a chance.. so that means, almost every guy out there, is no good almost anymore...cuz none of them want a single mom......but I agree, they are asses and not worth it.
Cary,
As usual, the voice of experience is the wisest. When my ex and I seperated, I didn't bring my kids around the women that I was dating, even though they were long term relationships.
When I finally did bring them around to meet the one that I thought was it, they immediately took to her and then she unceremoniuously kicked me to the curb a few months later (can you say psycho). It took the kids nearly a year to stop asking about her, even though I had moved on and they had met my new gf (now my wife).
Rockman, a year? Really? That sucks! I hope it doesn't take my son that long to stop asking for my ex. I feel bad horrible everytime he asks for him!
GOOD CALL CARY! Sure makes me feel better about my situation. When my ex and I broke up he brought the craziest b!tch he could find around our boy. They're still together and have a kid of their own. But I won't let my son around her (barely around him for that matter). He got all bent out of shape when this started and said I was putting a double standard on him. I told him "Unlike some people I'm not going to parade anyone and everyone out of his life. Best believe the guy who's privliged enough to meet my son damn well be ready to marry me!"
"the guy who's privliged enough to meet my son damn well be ready to marry me"
That's pretty much where I am in my thinking. I'm not intrudcing anyone to my kid unless I'm damn sure we're walking down that aisle.
Dr. Laura (who I don't always agree with) has said for years that women should wait till the child is 18. My mom (who had me at 18) was a single mom (my dad has been in prison since I was 3) until I was 6 and she dated a few different people, then she married my step-dad when I was 7 and they had my brother when I was 10. It wasn't until I was 17 that I really realized how much damage it did to me. I'd never been able to acknowledge it but I know now that I had ALWAYS felt like I was put on the back burner. I went through some really horrible things and it took 17 years for me to open my eyes (on my own) and see what was wrong.
I definitely do NOT think that women should date until the child is old enough to TRULY understand. Especially with a boy because he will see you get your heart broken every now and then and it will affect him and his future.
I just want to make sure I understood you correctly. She shouldn't date for another 12 years, at all? Because she has a young son? She should wait until he is 18? What if her son is mature enough at 12 to know the difference between dating and new daddy? I'm seriously scratching my head at this...I mean, thats great in theory or whatever, but I'm sure her son would also want her to find a good man and be happy.
Please be hang in there. I know it's hard to be a single Mom. I am a Single Mom Also.
Remember Single Mom's and Single Women Period Can Date.......Without Bringing Home A Man.
Why Does He Need To Go To Your House If You Aren't Sure You Know Him Well Enough To Know Where You And/Or Your Children Live?
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL YOUR CHILD IS A CERTAIN AGE TO DATE.........THAT'S CRAZY AND AN UNNECESSARY SACRIFICE!
EXPERIENCE DATING AWAY FROM YOUR HOUSE AND..... IF YOU MEET A GUY THAT YOU HAVE TAKEN THE TIME TO REALLY GET TO KNOW (this takes more than a few months) AND THIS GUY WOULD BE READY TO MARRY YOU.......THEN YOU CAN GIVE HIM YOUR ADDRESS.
FIND OUT IF THE GUY IS SERIOUS ABOUT GETTING MARRIED TO YOU (even better if he has already propsed to you) AND MEET HIS FRIENDS AND FAMILY FIRST BEFORE YOU ALLOW HIM TO COME BY YOUR HOUSE TO MEET YOUR CHILDREN.
Take Your Time To Get To Really Know A Man and find out if he is ready to Marry You .........Before You Even Let Him Know Your Address.
It's Not A Man's Business To Know Exactly Where You Live Unless He Has Truly Earned Your Trust And He is Ready To Marry You and Help You Raise Your Kids.
IN THE MEAN TIME.......DATE AWAY FROM YOUR RESIDENCE (the kids don't need to know exactly what you do and who you see when you are away from them)
IF YOU MEET AND SPEND A LONG TIME WITH A MAN WHO HAS SHOWN YOU WITHOUT A SHADOW OF A DOUBT THAT HE IS READY TO MARRY YOU......THEN LET HIM MEET YOUR KIDS AND VISIT YOUR HOUSE.
Women are smart....you know what to do to protect your child and yourself.
There are also resources that can help single Mom's out there.....
If you really need time to yourself, find a licensed 24 hour child care center (they really do exist) or 24 hour licensed home care.
Go To www.childcareaware.com and you can enter your zip code and find state childcare resource and referral agencies that can help you find 24 Licensed 24 hour child care for drop off or work.
You can even find information that will help you take a look at child care centers and home childcare licenses and operators as well as if a childcare business has had complaints or investigations.
I found all of this to be very helpful.
I have found cities like Atlanta, Dallas, Austin, Houston, Indianapolis, Orlando, Tampa. Phoenix, Los Angeles and Las Vegas to have licensed 24 hour child care centers (alot of them) as well as the more traditional 3 shift home child care providers.
Good Luck To You. God Bless!
It’s hard to find knowledgeable people on this topic, but you sound like you know what you’re talking about! Thanks