Well, you basically just have to ask him. There's no way to nuance, finesse, or trick him into answering that question and hearing it just the way you want it to sound. Plus, you do want something more. You want to make sure you're exclusive...but if you're not, you want to be exclusive.
Look, sometimes you just have to have the conversation. Period. I know nobody wants to rock the boat. We'd rather stay we are then lose what we have because we put the other person in a position of power or in a position to crush what we hope and think we are, but relationships don't work unless you feel comfortable enough to speak to the person you're dating.
And in order to get what you want - which is to be exclusive - you have to bring it up. You can't just hope that you're in that position and bring it up jokingly hoping that everybody will just laugh it off. While that might happen, you want to have one of those relationship convos that's nervewracking for everybody involved.
I'm sure that you are happy and that you will continue to be so. You'll feel much better after you ask him what you need to ask him and clear your mind and chest.
So do the normal woman thing and say, "we need to talk..." and then just go into what you want to know
I like how Panama wrote "So do the normal woman thing and say, 'we need to talk...' and then just go into what you want to know" ... Because it is so true that women always do this!!
But from some awkward experiences, I now know that most guys reallyyyyyy hate that opening. Don't start it off that way. One guy I dated SWORE I was going to tell him I was pregnant. Sooo I would advise you to not do the normal woman thing. I would just casually bring it up by saying something when the two of you are together. Don't overly plan it. And remember, whatever answer you get is going to help you make your next move...at least it will be over with.
you need to know what you want before you ask. if he says he's happy with being exclusive, great! can't get more perfect than that. but if he doesn't want to be exclusive, for whatever reason, you have to decide if you want to continue seeing him or not. if he says no, don't just keep seeing him hoping that he'll change his mind. bc i've been in that situation before--and i ended up getting way more hurt because my feelings and hopes for where things would go grew while his didn't that much.
the way i tend to bring this kind of thing up is along the lines of "sooooo i figured we should eventually talk about whether or not we are hooking up with other people too. bc if things are going to progress, esp physically, i need to know if you're hooking up with other girls for my own peace of mind. that's not to say i'm unhappy with how things are now, but i need to know for myself where your head is at. thoughts?" at that point, he'll answer either way and you can go from there.
and if you decide you can't continue seeing him unless you guys become exclusive, be honest with him. even if he doesn't particularly want to stop hooking up with other girls, he also probably really enjoys being with you and may be willing to compromise.
don't chicken out though!! that's prob my biggest piece of advice. unless he has said you are exclusive, assume that you are not. bc it will be veryyyy painful to see him hooking up with another girl when you thought everything was "understood". this has happened to so many of my female friends--and my male friends admit that unless they have straight out said they are exclusive with someone, they are always open to hooking up with other people.
good luck!
Wow so true. If a guy hasn't brought up exclusivity or wanting to be with just you over an extended period of time of dating, he probably won't. He kinda has you right where he wants...with no committment. Especially if he is sure you are only dating him. Point is, the guy should bring it up if he is on the same page as you (i.e. wants more from the situation). It won't work if you don't want the same thing.
Ugh, I recently had that conversation. I tried asking him about condoms first (if he'd want to stop using them with me and get tested-- aka be exclusive) but he didn't get it, so I said "what i'm really asking you is if you're seeing other people". He laughed and tried to dodge the question, but then said "no, I'm not seeing anyone else right now".
Somehow that didn't really reassure me, maybe because I had to fight for it.
so here's a question...to you guys, does exclusive = relationship? because to me, those two things come hand in hand. why be exclusive with a guy who isn't your actual boyfriend? girl's a free woman until she has a boyfriend!
to me, being exclusive is often a stop on the way to a relationship but it doesn't mean you're completely there yet. in my opinion, a boyfriend is someone i'll talk to about important stuff--if i have a problem, i'll often go to him for advice. i seriously think about a future with him. a guy i'm just exclusively hooking up with is someone i have fun with and enjoy spending time with--enough that i don't really want to with anyone else for the time being. but i wouldn't really depend on him for much more than that.
i'm sure it's different for everyone though. i'm not really sure why i make a distinction--i'd be curious to hear what the original poster thinks bc i wonder if she also sees a difference or if it's just me being crazy.
Joanna, that's exactly how I feel about it, you're not crazy at all... that's why I want to ask him without putting the pressure on him to make it into something more. Guys get funny about this kind of stuff. They don't read into things but they do assume us girls are looking for more. The only thing I want to know is that we're just seeing each other.
It's a tricky conversation for me to have but I think you all are right. I just want to know we're only seeing each other. It's been 5 months and we've never talked about it once. I don't want to be sleeping with a guy who's possibly seeing other girls and doing the same with them. I'm a one guy girl, relationship or not.
Thanks for everyone's responses, this helped a lot! Wish me luck...