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Hey Wise-Ass, I REALLY need your advice on this one. I'm dating this guy, but I can tell he still has feelings for his ex. Should I wait for him or run as fast as I can? I really do care about him. We started dating one year ago and he's still not ready.

He's still not ready for what? A commitment? To let her go?

You say you can tell he has feelings for her, but that's just a hunch, and I don't think you can make big decisions based on hunches. Yes, I always say follow your gut, so your hunch is probably correct, but I get the impression that you two haven't discussed this, and you really need to do so before you decide to walk. In this case, following your gut means starting a conversation with him about it if you haven't already.

I agree with you that a year is a long time to remain hung up on an ex. Too long. If that is truly the case, I would advise you to bolt. But that's a big "if." I'm sure he does still have some feelings for his ex, and probably always will, particularly if they dated a long time. This is normal, and only a problem if it interferes with his relationship with you. You seem to think it does, and it's not that I don't believe you. I just want you to be sure his feelings are inappropriate before you dump him. For all I know, your standards might be unreasonable. If you're expecting him to turn off all feelings for her forever and never mention her name again, I don't think that's fair. He's human.

Just talk to him. Be direct and candid. Work through it. Tell him what he's doing that troubles you. If he still feels too much for her, chances are he will tell you. If he says he doesn't but your gut still says he does, then you can walk. All I'm saying is be sure you know the truth and don't leave him based only on "I can tell."

Thanks for the question.

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4 Comments

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I think Cary gave you the best answer possible! Take it to the source, and just come right out with it and ask him. I had a similar situation recently, except I was the one still reeling from my last breakup and I got too deeply involved with a fabulous guy when I still hadn't completely mended or put my last relationship where it needed to be -- in the past. He finally confronted me about his fears, and while doing so, talked to me about his hopes and wishes for us as a couple. The conversation we had that night at dinner was candid (and for me, more than a little unsettling) but it forced me to wake up and realize what I stood to lose if I didn't commit to letting go of my ex and everything that reminded me of him. Fast forward to a few months later, and now I'm glad we talked about it and we even joke around about him performing an exorcism on me so that I'd finally release the ghost of my ex. Honestly do yourself a favor and talk to him about it before you choose to walk because sometimes we don't release some of our emotional baggage because we don't realize just how much harm it's actually causing in our day to day lives. Best of luck!

silkysly

Cary..., that was a real good answer. Good job!

goodkarmagirl

Agree, CM..well done..not an easy one.

whatislove

It's true, though. Some feelings never really go away. But he can still love you with all he has, his past doesn't have anything to do with that. You definately need to talk to him and then decide what you're comfortable with, and if you can handle it or not.

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