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Hi Cary, my parents greatly dislike my ex-boyfriend. After a year of not dating, we're getting back together and I'm wondering what's the best idea to bridge the gap and hopefully inspire a change of heart in them. Thanks.

Yeah, parents aren't typically big fans of ex-boyfriends, especially once they become exes. My parents never cared for my sister's high-school boyfriend, but they really disliked him after he and my sis broke up. The two fought a lot as their relationship deteriorated, and she'd often come home and give us all a blow-by-blow of the nasty things he said and did to her.

That was a huge mistake, though, because even after my sis and the guy became friends again, my folks were never able to forgive him for how he had treated her. She learned the hard way that you have to be careful how much you share about your ex with loved ones. They tend to have longer memories about people hurting us, and will stay angry about it for years after we have forgiven the person.

I suspect that could be what's going on here, too. Even if not, there's little you can do to change their minds right away. Only time will heal these wounds. They saw you hurt before, and don't want to see you hurt again, so they are wary of this guy. Do you blame them? Even if you and your ex were equally responsible for the breakup and equally mean to each other, they blame him more. He's not their child.

All you can do is wait it out. They need to see you and your ex getting along for a while before they'll even think about buying back into the relationship. That is, if they ever do. Be prepared for the possibility that they won't.

Either way, you can't force them to like him, so just leave it alone and give it time.

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3 Comments

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I learned the hard way not to bad mouth my significant other to my family or best friend. Elephant memories, all of them. If I were to reunite with anybody from my past they would probably all disown me. Not to mention, my husband wouldn't be pleased, but that's another story. Sadly, the chances of her family coming around are pretty slim. I sure hope the guy is worth it.

Daisy

Yeah, this probably isn't going to be easy. Perhaps it will help if you and your boyfriend sit down with your parents for a frank discussion. Talk about the fact that you are both aware that you had problems as a couple before, but that you think you can work things out. I'm assuming that you have already had this discussion with your ex and that the two of you have worked out whatever differences you had when you were together. Let your parents know that you would like their support and approval, but that you are going ahead with your plans either way. Cary gives very good advice. You will need to give it time.

em

Even if you and your ex were equally responsible for the breakup and equally mean to each other, they blame him more. He's not their child.

In my case, my parents were always more like "What the hell did you do to him? You know how horrible you are. Poor guy." Yeah, they were really supportive of me in that way. LOL

But you're right. I harbor more ill will against my siblings and my friend's exes then I do my own because I know how much their exes have hurt them.

Like Cary said, give it time. I figure if my loved ones can get over the hurt their ex caused them and be okay with it, then I can. Maybe (hopefully) your parents will come around.

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