Not wanting to run into an ex for the first time after an ugly breakup doesn't make you a pussy. It makes you normal. Nobody wants that.
Here's the thing, though: the wedding is about your friends, not you or your ex. This is their day, and they want you to be a part of it. That is a compliment and an honor. As anyone who has planned a wedding will tell you, whittling down a guest list can be excruciating. You can't invite everyone you know (unless you're filthy rich), so cuts have to be made. Your friends obviously consider you a good enough friend to invite, so I think you should go.
Yes, I know it will be awkward to see your ex, but if you blow off the wedding, how awkward will it be to see these friends again? They will know you weren't there, trust me. Couples either notice or they read the guest book later and see who didn't show. So you have to ask yourself what's more important, avoiding some awkwardness with your ex for one night or honoring your friends' request that you be present for their nuptials, which will hopefully last a lifetime?
Going is the right thing to do. It will be easier than you think. You won't have to talk to him at the wedding itself, then you can make a brief appearance at the reception. Have a glass of champagne and avoid your ex as much as possible (if you do run into him, a simple hello is all that is necessary) while you wait for the bride and groom to arrive. Once they do, congratulate them and then slip out. If they happen to notice later on in the night that you didn't stay, they will probably say, "At least she showed up. It must have been awkward to be around (ex) after their nasty breakup, so we don't blame her for not staying."
This is one of those situations where you need to take one for the team. It won't be the most pleasant night of your life, but you're doing it for them, not yourself. You'll be glad you did in the long run.
Thanks for the question.
Well, I'd never invite two friends who were exes to each to a wedding, party, or function without asking how they would feel about the other being there. Not doing so is low class, ill-mannered and inconsiderate of both their feelings. I'd also completely understand and have no hard feelings if one of them felt too uncomfortable and bowed out.
OP, if you're really uncomfortable attending, don't. But do show them courtesy by letting them know you won't be going, and explaining to the couple why, don't simply bail out.
They might have been invited before they broke up.
But if that's the case, the emotional wounds from the breakup will still be fresh and therefore harder for the OP. It's be a different story if the breakup happened years ago.
I never sat around & tried to figure out who was seeing who when I made out a guest list. I invite people by their relationship with me, not others.
OP, I would go…, like Cary said. Take a plus one if it will help. Good luck!
Neither do I, since it takes like no effort to know who's gone through a bad breakup or not.
only when you have nothing else to do with your free time besides going through every FB relationships... the day is about them, they want their friends there. why should they have to worry about it? two adults should be able to avoid each other for a few hours and focus on the bride and grooms celebration.
in high school me and my bfs best friends were dating.. so if we broke up, and they were getting married they should have to pick who didn't get their friend at the wedding?
I don't use facebook lol.
What if the male is a groom's friend and the girl is the brides (or vice versa)? Would you really stop your future spouse from inviting their friend just to make it easier on you?
If I was getting married I'd see it is someone putting personal drama over our friendship. I mean, it's a special day, it's only meant to happen once! The day is not about you and your ex, it's about your friend getting married, and while I appreciate it's hard, maybe you could at least briefly show your face there to show you recognise that?
Unless it's really out of your way I'd say it'll speak volumes you popping into the reception for 10 minutes instead of not coming at all.
Hmmm. Getting married is simply supposed to be about a formal, public commitment between two people who've agreed to share their lives, not about how lavish the ceremony is nor the count of the attendees. My friendships are based on connection, trust, empathy, and looking out for each others best interests, not for my own personal gratification.
To expect a friend to attend my wedding where an ex is present, when I know they went through a hard breakup (not that many are easy) and even suspecting that he or she would be uncomfortable in their present, well I wouldn't be much of a friend, now would I? We don't always know everything that transgressed between them; suppose there was abuse? Talk about setting a stage for drama at your wedding, he could be a clingy wuss who ends up making a scene at YOUR special day trying to get his ex back. Now, if they choose to go, more power to them, but if they felt really uncomfortable in attending, it would not impact our friendship in the slightest bit.
I do agree with the others here, the wedding is MY special day, mine and hers alone. So, at my last wedding, I decided to be selfish and invited no one. No friends, no family, not even my own mother. My wife was intrigued by that idea, but due to her social status and deeply rooted cultural traditions, she wasn't able to make her own "great leap forward". I took a lot of flack and heat for my decision, but don't regret it in the slightest.
I've seen this happen. My ex and I broke up about a month before a close friend's wedding, a wedding in which I was a bridesmaid. Of course, we both went. I spent the wedding attending the bride and having a blast, while he spent it moping and later asked me online how I hadn't noticed that he was miserable just watching me. Simple: because I was focusing on my friend! That is what you need to do too, OP. It should be easy to avoid sitting near him for the ceremony, and unless the couple was so thoughtless as to seat you two together for dinner then it shouldn't be that difficult to minimize interaction with him at the reception as well. (Or would it? I only have experience with Jewish weddings.) So forget about your ex being there, OP, and go have fun celebrating with your friend! (One caveat: If you think he's likely to try and seek you out so that you can't avoid him, then yes, making only a short appearance at the reception makes sense.)
I will say that if I were planning an event and wanted to invite two people whose relationship ended horribly, I would tell them both that I was inviting the other and let them choose whether to go or not.
You could try seeing this as an opportunity...sod's law generally dictates that the first time you bump into an ex after a breakup will be when you're hungover, with no makeup and your hair scraped back into an unflattering ponytail. You're going to a wedding...what better excuse to make yourself look stunning and then wander around looking all nonchalant about it? OK...a wee bit petty maybe, but where's the fun in being a grownup all the time?
Just one vital piece of advice...DO NOT get drunk, even if there's an open bar. That can only lead to tears and morning-after regreta.
In my book, friendship comes first...i want to be there & witness the most important milestone of her life. I will definitely go & congratulate her even if the chances of running with an ex is high...It might be a tricky situation but we're both adults so I guess he knows better than to stir trouble.