I think if you spend enough time with him, his motives will become apparent. That's why taking it slowly before hopping into bed, as you are doing, is a wise move if it's a partner you are looking for and not quick sex. Go you!
Of course, there's no way to know for certain what he wants until he shows his hand, but there are some things you can watch for. A guy who is truly into you and looking for a relationship acts differently than a guy who just wants quick sex.
Behavior is key. Words are easy to fake; actions are not.
Relationship Guy enjoys spending time with you no matter what you're doing; he doesn't have an agenda other than just being around you. It's not always "Let's go back to my place" or "Let's go to this party and get shit-faced" (so we can "accidentally" end up in the sack). He is just as happy to hang out and study or go for a walk or run errands, as long as he's with you.
Relationship Guy takes you out on dates--not only that, but he is creative about it and comes up with things that are fun and different and unusual. He tries hard because he wants to impress you. He gives a crap, and it shows.
He also does things for you that he wouldn't do for just anyone. He hates talking on the phone? Not with you. He doesn't eat sushi? He'll go if you want to go. He's more flexible than Sex Guy because he wants to please you; Sex Guy is all about getting what he wants.
Relationship Guy wants to get to know you: he asks questions about you and your life: your family, where you grew up, what food you like, your career plans, what movies you like to watch over and over again, how you got that scar on your shoulder and who gave you your first kiss. He listens when you talk and remembers what you tell him.
He also wants you to know him. He shares things about himself--I don't mean prattling on about all his wonderful accomplishments and how great he is, but real things about his life. Who he is. What's important to him. His goals, fears and regrets. Real stuff, not BS.
Relationship Guy is drawn to you for the right reasons: your brain, your wit, your heart, your passion, your values. Compliments on physical attributes are nice, but if that's all you get from him, be wary. You are more than just the sum of your parts.
My usual caveat: none of these are hard and fast, and a guy can do some of these and still be a cad. You need to look for trends, and trends take time. That's why not rushing into bed remains, above all else, the best way to be sure what a guy really wants.
(btw.. thanks for joining us for the group chat last week. Your name jumped out at me as I was going through my question queue.)
Perfect Answer.
Ahh good question! This answer totally interested me. I just got through with a guy who did all these things and still ditched me for someone else. My only red flag was I never got a real date from him (dinner, movie etc...) it was always "drinks." But aside from that he did everything he was supposed to, and I was totally fooled! I wonder if maybe I tried to play things too cool and didn't let him know enough just how interested I was so he moved on to someone who did. Eh, oh well. Lesson learned for next time!
Btw...LOVE this website and all your answers!
Thank you, Jackie.
This leaves out the fact that sometimes us ladies want to have sex, too- and not after three months or whatever is the latest rule is for when we're allowed to offer sex as a reward.
I guess we're still all following the idea that only dudes wanna bone- and we're supposed to withhold sex as a way to trick guys into relationships.
This site has become generic and full of contradicting bullshit.
Well it certainly sounds like you need to get laid.
"...IF it's a partner you are looking for and not quick sex," I said, and was very careful to do so.
It was an answer to a specific question, not a call to all women to hold out. No one said women aren't allowed to have sex whenever they want.
I totally get where you're coming from, because I HATE the whole "women use sex as a rewards system" or "men want sex; women want relationships" assumptions that still sadly exists. But generally, with a few execptions (looking at you, Panama), this site (and Cary in particular) is pretty good about leaving gender stereotypes out of the equation. Yes, we must acknowledge that they exist, but I've never heard Wise-Ass give gendered, double-standard advice. I'm pretty sure that he'd give the exact same advice to a guy.
I love this website and its answers, was about to reference the bit in the 1st paragraph before I saw Cary already had. I wouldn't want their job, answering question from women, after sifting through 200 inane / stupid and repetitive questions finding a decent one and knowing you can never please everyone all the time and there is always going to be 1 or 100 pms'ing / bitter / scorned / generally bitchy women out there. Over it (your name says it all)...by yourself a vibrator. And yeah I'm female.
I love you.
Go ahead Tracy. Tell it sistah. I'm with u.
I especially like the "words are easy to fake; actions are not." This is key. Note that most of the examples are ACTIONS. Although it's nice to have someone tell you all the things you want to hear, and even go as far as complimenting all the parts of you (brain, heart, etc.)- if he still doesn't ACT like he wants to be in a relationship...then he's a lazy bastard and wants the PERKS of a relationship...without having to actually be in a relationship. Sex is nice, but if you really are looking for a full-on relationship, Cary gives perfect advice.
Thanks Cary.., I want that guy that you described to me.., I’m not sure if this is him. I will admit that I was lost in the moment the other day & we were close to being intimate. But..., his equipment wasn’t, let’s say “operational.” My first thought was that he may be seeing another person & it was showing in his boy toy. (Could that be?) I’m sure it wasn’t that he was overwhelmed by the possibility of being with me. Anyway…, I was wrong, I know. So I think I will watch his actions for now & not put myself in that situation again. Thanks again, Cary…, it’s great to have a guy's opinion.
Very wise answer indeed! I believe if a guy likes you then he would walk an extra mile for you. There's no rules as to how long you have to know the guy before you sleep with him (except for one night stand). If it feels right sleeping with him a week after you've known him then go ahead...but do this because you want it not because you want to please him. If the guy will leave you...he will leave you no matter how close you are to perfection. Same thing with women.
Cary the guy you described above sounds like my "dream guy!" hope he'll find his way to me soon coz i've been waiting for a long time now :)
Thank you for this Q & A...From someone that is getting out of a 12 year marriage and into the dating scene again, I was wondering this exact same thing. However, I'm kind of looking for the guy that doesn't want the relationship, at least at this point. I would like to be single for a bit before I commit again and even then, I don't think I would marry again. Thanks Cary for the info!
I met a guy, on the2. date we ended up in bed.I thought it´s a ons, so I expected nothing from him but he wanted to see me again. he asked me to go on a weekendtrip the following weekend,the next day I got cold feed and cancelled the trip.the next day somebody called me with unknown number and said slut to me. I wrote a text to him, if he wanted to go out again he said yes, but cancelled the date the same day. I never heard from him again,now I don´t know if he wanted a relationship or just sex?
I will have to be an exception because it has always been either we gonna sleep together or never, am attracted or not. Whether it is on date number one or date last..
Ok I've been on one date w this guy and two hang outs,
And he seems to talk about sex and sexual things all the
Time..and how attracted he is to me...getting kinda annoying.he
Is a super nice and cute guy, but what the hell?
filed for a divorce. but dating this guy for13months now we never had sex. he says that because my divorce is not final. he also says that am the only one he is seeing.is tis normal for a guy to stay so long without sex or is he playing with my head? please help
The guy wants to make sure you are single again and that you won't change your mind in going back to the person. Because to some people, while still with the person in the process of a divorce and want sex with the other person is considered cheating and some just think that they are getting used
I truly agree with this answer. However, I'm still unsure of what his feelings might be towards me. He is a combination of both sex and relationship guy. I'm totally confused if he's just a nice guy with manners or wants something more. Would it be wise to put my feelings out there and let it be known to him how I feel? Even if that means losing him?