Oddly, your question and one the direct opposite came in about the same time. The other question: "I can't remember most of my life before I was 12.I saw a dr, but he told me some things are better forgotten.My family agrees with him. But I'm not sure I can handle not knowing,and since I livedwith my mother during those years (we don't speak now) there's no one to ask.Should I let it go or try to find a way to remember."
Long story short, you don't. It becomes part of you. You accept it as a part of you and move on. Or it will hurt or kill you.
Let me tell you a tale of long ago and far away. Well, a few years ago and several thousand miles away, but lets not break the mood here.
A guy, not too far from being a kid, stuck with a rifle in his hand and a group of people he knows as friends and bunch of people he is told are the enemy. One fine day, he and his squad mates were attacked, and, naturally, fought back, killing several of the enemy. Our protagonist knows full well that he has killed. He saw it happen, and it is nothing like the neat little holes you see in the movies. It is gruesome beyond words. The only thing worse is seeing the same thing happen to a friend. He saw that too.
Our protagonist suffered badly over that. Waking in the night, trying desperately not to scream, from dreams that had teeth and claws. Eventually, he was simply too scared to sleep in more than snatches.
Then, on another fine day, being too tired and guilt ridden to focus properly, he walked his entire squad into an ambush. Four of the six survived, though all were injured. He was not one of the survivors.
He died, and risked others dying because he could not comprehend one of the basic facts of life.
Bad things happen. Even to the best people.
Some people turn to philosophy. Some to hedonism. Some to religion. Many to alcohol or drugs. Some simply shrug and get on with their lives. Some, especially children like the second questioner, simply blank it out completely and feel the pain of something missing for a long time.
And some let the guilt and pain eat them to a shell by refusing to let it go.
You are refusing to let it go. Picking at it constantly like a scab, instead of letting it heal.
Not gonna lie, whatever the trauma you suffered will haunt your dreams for a long time to come. But, you know what?
They are only dreams.
I can't tell you how to cope - that is different for each and every person. All I can tell you is that you can cope. Most of us do. Not because we are particularly tough or stubborn or righteous, but simply because we have to.
Now as for the second questioner: Of course you want to remember. Your past is you, and has formed you and made you who you are.
For you to have almost no memories though, it must have been pretty bad. You have had that confirmed by several people you can trust.
I am going to agree with them that all out trying to remember is probably a bad idea for you. Children are far more mentally flexible than adults, that is why they can and do actually block memories, and the shock and the pain of recovering those memories as an adult may very well break you completely.
Good luck to you both.
It took me years to heal from a traumatic experience. My journey is a mixture of heartbreak and joy and hopelessness and strength and included a lot of cutting ties and forging new ones with countless souls.
While I cannot share the whole of the story, I am here now; a living proof that miracles happen and healing can take place once you open your heart to it.
I underwent a lot of cleansing and stabilizing: at all levels - emotional, mental, spiritual, etc. - that I literally physically felt the internal changes I wanted for myself. I couldn't have done it without the help of many kindred souls... those who have walked the path before me or at least, those who were willing to walk the path with me. I have met many spiritual teachers, all of whom I am eternally grateful. But that was and is my path - I ventured to rediscover who I was and am and what I want to become. When I faced blocks and fear, I went back to my traumatic experience and told myself, "If I got through that, there is nothing in my path anymore that could stop me from becoming who I truly am." That's equivocal of using the darkness in you so you can move forward to the light and free yourself.
Be not afraid because you were given that experience Your Spirit knows you can come out of it stronger. I know that sounds preachy, but it's true. At the time I seem to have lost my way, life brought me back to school where I learned more about polarities in this earth; I studied the Holocaust, the ongoing war, learned how to become an early childhood educator, met a little girl who had special needs and taught me how lucky I am to still be alive and complete and surrounded by people who love me.
Have I healed from my experience completely? I'm not sure. But I do catch myself crying over it sometimes still. It has become part of me, but it's not the whole of me. I have owned it, but I feel I still have to do something about it - in a way, it's like saying, I know one day I'll be able to really own this by sharing it with others who may be going through the same thing. So far, I think, I've come across many people who did need help and I'm proud to say I've left a little bit of myself with them.
The first thing I needed to learn when I "consciously" decided to heal myself was to breathe. Then I needed to un-learn. Then I needed to stop labeling things "good" or "bad" or "traumatic" or "necessary" or "awful" or "happy". I needed to learn how to be gentle with myself. I needed to learn how to forgive. I needed to learn so many things. And I did. It's having the courage and openness that taught me how to learn.
The best thing I learned from all of these? I learned how to love myself. It's a process, but yes, I think at some point in our lives, we get there. And by the way, optimism helps a lot too.
The path I have chosen started with me going inwards --- I chose to do my healing spiritually first, in other words. You choose your own path. But rest assured, you are always given the help you need by the Universe when you ask for it. Good luck!
Very well put Faye!
I've been through some very traumatizing experiences that started from an early age. I thought I'd never get past some of the blocks, sadness, and horrible experiences.
But you're correct. Going inward, facing the fears, being grateful for what you have now, knowing that your Higher Self knows what it's doing, trusting the Universe, and trying to stay positive are all keys to healing.
Thanks Em! ♥
great post, and great tags MM. and great advice. he's right, there is no way to get over it. it just is what it is. Faye is right too. it's not who you are, it just is what it is. it's something bad that happened to you, not something that makes you who you are, unless you allow that. and the people that do allow their pain to become who they are, well you know who they are. they are all the people that we complain about, the angry, nasty, ugly, asses of the world that haven't come to terms with it and blame the world, and well everyone, for their problems past and present. i've done the couch time too and it was great, but i didn't expect it to fix me, just give me the tools to make it easier to deal with. every person's journey through pain is different, the more energy you spend finding the happy place the easier it is to get through it. surround yourself with people who will continue to support and love you no matter what, and...sounds silly but...find a way to laugh every fifteen minutes.my philosophy is that life cant suck when you're laughing. the more positive you are, the more positive you will become, and the farther away the pain will feel because you are only focusing on good in your life. getting over trauma is not unlike going through the stages of grief. you can't change the loss of innocence or trust you once had. eventually though, if you can move through the stages as positively as possible, you get through the anger, denial, and bargaining until you reach a point of acceptance and that makes life easier to go on. just like grievers, of course you will be haunted by the memories. because it's something that happened to you. good or bad, short of electroshock therapy or a lobotomy, you can't take away memories that have been imprinted. accept them, and slowly but surely, with time, it becomes easier to live your life. faye is right. it takes a LOT of courage to decide that you are bigger than the trauma that happened to you, but if you survived it, you've already beaten it and have already proven you have that courage. you just need to believe that yourself.
as far as the second question, i whole heartedly agree. it is better left where it is. the psyche is a powerful thing, and MM is right about how flexible kids are with that. your psyche is protecting you for a reason, trust it. leave it where it is, or like he said, the damage could very well break you. if you've been able to go on with your life and function as best as you can without those memories, keep focusing on filling your life with good things, and creating new and good memories. if it is meant to be recovered memory, your mind will start doing that for you and bringing back bits and pieces at a time when you may be ready and open to that. but don't force it, that's a very toxic can of worms that will do no good in your life right now.
good luck and god bless you both.
Thanks for the advice. I'm the second asker, and I guess I'll just listen and leave it alone. I've always been really worried about what I may remember, so maybe its better if I don't.
Anyway, thanks for answering that question so fast.
It's the sort of question that needs answering fast.
exactly same here! constructive side:therapy, pills, friends,family,volunteer. nothing really works. destructive side: booze, drugs, hook up with randoms, excessive going out, all of which makes it worse. until this day, im still trying. its really really hard. the worst part is that no matter how much support you have, you are the only one who can make it work and move on.
Someone once told me that we are products of our pasts, but not its prisoners.