You can't.
People don't change until they decide for themselves that they want or need to change, and even then it is very hard to do so. Not impossible, but very hard. Real change takes a long time and a consistent effort over months and years. That kind of commitment only happens when someone becomes convinced in his own heart that he is wrong and must make a change--for himself, not for you or anyone else.
You can certainly point out to someone what qualities or behaviors are obstacles in your relationship with him, and you should do so if it is a relationship you care about. The closer the relationship, the more likely he is to take your words to heart. Still, until he sees the problem for himself and resolves to make a change, it won't happen.
It's like what people say about alcoholics: they can only get sober for themselves, not for anyone else. They might want to get sober for you and everyone else, but until they want it for themselves--I mean truly want it in their heart of hearts, for their own happiness and well-being and survival--it's simply not going to happen.
We are selfish creatures by nature. Real change only happens when we own our problems and vow to get rid of them. No one else can make us do this.
Thanks for the question.
WA summed it all up about changing.
I just want to add, if this is asking about a man you are with, I can offer things to NOT do. Don't nag, don't act all "bitchy" towards him, and don't "punish" him by withholding anything from him. These will only net you short term changes while creating underlying resentment. If its a health concern, don't fill his head with alarmist reports, that will end up desensitizing him to the health risk.
Like the WA says, we change for ourselves, but you can entice him to make changes by using a carrot approach, i.e. complimenting when he does something related to the desired change. Just don't go overboard or sound fake about it.
If you're wanting to change a jerk into a good man, well, that's gonna take a soul-searching crisis on his part to compell that kind of change; no one can do that for him.
It's only fair that we can't make others change just because we want them to. I certainly wouldn't want others to be able to make me change at their whim, either. Great answer, Cary!
I get your point and I agree. And yet, at the same time, I can't help but wonder if things would have been better if people wiser than me, smarter than me who wanted me to make changes that I needed to make, if they could have made me do those changes.
cant help but wonder what the OP is wanting to have changed about someone. because i hear from girlfriends a lot that they want something about their guy to change and i am just boggled by it. love people the way they are, that's what you married, or thats what you chose to date, or whatever. and if you cant do that, you have no business telling them you love them, because you don't. does he leave the toilet seat up? get over it. does he spend more time with his wife than you? get over him. does he hit you? get out. if YOU want YOUR life to change, CHANGE. IT.
Yes! Perfectly said.
I agree with chrissie, if you what change, you can only control the change in your own life. If any man tried to change me, I would step out of that relationship in a hot second. I would never want t be controlled like that and I'm pretty sure that no other person (man or woman) wants that either.
What sucks more is when you think that you can change them by having them choose between you and what ever obsticles, then of course they chose you and say they will change or promise within a time but nothing happens!
Depends on what you're talking about. If we're talking habbits here, like smoking or drinking, then I'd say you've got a chance and every right to make an effort. Using smoking as an example, I don't think it's wrong to try to help someone drop the habbit.
If we're talking changing who the person is or something about their nature don't even bother. For one you'll probably fail, and on top of that it will no doubt create problems.
A good example would be me and my girlfriend. Not long into our relationship she learned I'm like a little kid sometimes. She has commented several times that I must have ADD or something because I am just not satisfied unless I'm playing with something. But she's told me outright that while sometimes she feels like shes baby sitting a man whos older than her she'd never want me to change the way I act because my silly energetic personality is one of the things she loves about me.
And to be honest if she was up my butt all the time about don't touch this, stop playing with that, why are you doing this, I'd be gone pretty quick. Yep I'm weird, but if you wanna be with me deal with it cuz that's who I am.