You know you are right for someone when you start worrying about the long term stuff. He'll be feeling the same way too, which is probably why he is saying these things in the first place - he feels you are pressuring him to change his ways and it worries him.
The two of you are at a point where you are starting to change to fit each other. If you want an analogy, you are two rough stones, rubbing together. Gradually, the places where the stones rub fit together better and better as the rough bits get worn away.
Do the rocks resent the change in their being? Don't be stupid, rocks don't have feelings.
You, on the other hand do. You have your independence of will and thought. Your habits and mannerisms, both good and annoying. You think that any chipping away of those hard won freedoms is an insult to your entire being.
It is scary. It is also totally normal. Just a more intense and obvious version of the thing you have done all your life - adapting to fit in better. You both changing is going to happen if you want it to or not, so you may as well accept it now.
Do not be tempted to keep score of who changes the most! That way lies serious resentment and huge fights with unsatisfactory make-up sex for dessert.
You simply cannot judge fairly when your own ego is involved and you will always assume you have made the majority of the sacrifices and he has made very few. He will feel the same.
What does he say that worries & potentially could puts pressure on you?
i wondered the same thing about her worries. excellent insight MM. is that really true? :you know you are right for someone when you start worrying about the long term stuff? food for thought, for me anyway.
While I agree that keeping score can breed resentment, I think it's important to have a general idea of the degree of change you both are going through. For example, a relationship can become unhealthy when one partner is doing most/all of the changing. Also, both are just going to have to learn to deal with some of the other's annoying habits. I believe it is dangerous to individual identity to lose too much of themselves for the "benefit" of the relationship.
110? what the hell is he complaining about??
Hi everyone! I'm the OP and I just wanted to add some information that didn't fit into the question box.
I want to start off by saying that I am an exceptionally lucky woman to have found a man as amazing as my boyfriend. He's compassionate, loving, patient, et cetera and there is a lot of genuine love between us. My question wasn't so much about sacrifice; believe me, my past relationships have taught me plenty about where to draw the line.
The reason I asked this was because he confessed to me that sometimes when he is upset he does not feel attracted to me and that lately I have gained some weight. (He didn't say this to hurt me; he was actually crying as he said it, very ashamed because he knows it is wrong.) Granted, we bonded over a 5K we both ran and I was 95lbs at the time. Now I am at 110lbs and have been too busy to go to the gym, much less run any races. He wants me to be more athletic and to take care of myself but I am not normally a very athletic person and I feel like he thinks I am someone I am not.
I guess I just started getting worried that maybe he loves me for who he thinks I am, not really for who I am, and perhaps this could extend to other things in the future. Would it be my responsibility to know that I am not right for him based on attributes he is looking for in a partner?
I see a lot of "Is he right?" for me kind of questions on here. But I wonder if it is different to think "And I right for him?" Or maybe they are intertwined. I'd love to hear what other people think about this.
Sorry this was long but I hope it clarifies.
a lot of long talkers here no worries i apologize in advance lol okay, um, maybe i am the wrong person to answer this, but i have a real problem with men that change their attitudes with women when there is weight stuff going on. like, a real problem that maybe is a little more ingrained than the scope of your issue, and maybe not. yah on the limited information the least i can say is no, that does not sit well with me and i have a hunch, might be wrong, it doesn't with you either. "would it be my responsibility"...stop right there. no. this is not your fault. and not your job to decide what is right for him or feel bad that you haven't been to the gym. i find it quite appalling frankly that he would use tears in a sentence that he knows full well would hurt your feelings. manipulative seems to be a strong word maybe in this case, but it is the feeling i got again, based on the limited information and my experiences with men that use tears and insults and make issue with women's weight to their faces.
110 pounds? and he's crying? are you KIDDING me. in 2, 5, 10 years if you even so much as look at a baby you will wish you had those 110 days back. i'm sorry, i just needed to say that. do you know how many men on this planet would do anything to be blessed with a woman of that stature?
STOP the self talk right now. this is not something you need to fix with YOU. from the limited information. start asking, does HE deserve YOU. has he earned ALL of you?
Hi Chrissie! Thanks for the response.
You're right about it not having to be my responsibility but my thinking is based on the idea of saving major heartache later down the road. I hate the thought of either us of looking over to the other one day - years later - and thinking well, nothing. Just a big mental blank where there used to be excitement and attraction.
I know he wasn't manipulating me with tears. He even said that he hates the part of him that thinks these things and that he wants to change it. I know he is actively working on it; we have talked about this argument a few times already and he is always open to discuss the issue (never closes up or shuts me out).
I also mentioned to him that, based on what I can observe from my genetics, the women in my family don't ounce back easily from pregnancy and menopause so that I have accepted the idea I will gain weight but it does not mean I won't take care of myself as much as I can. He said that is a defeatist attitude and seemed kind of judgmental about it. I'm just trying to be realistic here!
I agree with chrissie. it's extremely hard to keep a movie star figure as you get older, especially if you're not athletic to begin with. And wow, 110 lbs? Unless you're 4 ft tall that's a perfectly healthy weight. My boyfriend always tells me he'd love me if I were 200 lbs, because I'd still be me.
sorry luv, just not liking this guy any more, i gotta tell you. if he is doing this now, can you only imagine how much harsher and more serious he is going to get with time? you deserve a man that is edifying you (they ARE out there by the way). either intentionally or subliminally though, this one is disempowering you, and that is not love, not compassion, not anything amazing at all. for me this would be a dealbreaker. realistically for me from what i can see is the only weight you need to lose is 200 lbs of boyfriend. maybe that would be enough to give him the message to actively work on things to your satisfaction.