Man, I could write a book on this. Although it would be a short book, and most of it would just be repeating:
THERE IS NO "ONE."
The world is not the Matrix. Your boyfriend is not Neo, no matter how cool he looks in a trenchcoat.
I am not 100% sure that my marriage will last. I'm not 100% sure that lizard people DON'T run the government. I'm not 100% sure that it's not butter. I'm not 100% sure of ANYTHING. Having doubts about your relationship isn't a sign you should ditch the relationship; it's a necessary component of any thriving relationship.
Think about it this way: of everyone in the world, who is the most positive about their beliefs? Terrorists. Is THAT WHAT YOU WANT?
Doubt wakes us up. Doubt tells us we can't just let the relationship happen. Doubt lets us know that we have to work at it. Doubt is your friend, and having doubt about someone is no sign that the relationship is over. If that were true, our divorce rate would be so high it...well, let's not get into that.
Forget "the one." You could have a successful relationship with any of a million men or women. And each would be unique and teach you something different about yourself and the world around you. But if you hold your breath waiting for a glistening man-God to descend in a beam of light, you will die cold, alone, and insane.
I mean, if you really bought into "the one" theory, who's to say your "one" wasn't born on the other side of the world? Or a thousand years ago? That'd suck, right? Thankfully, it's horseshit, and reality is a lot more forgiving, and a lot more rewarding (if less like a Hallmark movie, or, come to think of it, most movies).
Doubting your relationship is fine. It's when you're positive you don't want the relationship that you need to think about getting out of Dodge.
I absolutly hate the whole "soul mate" shit in our culture. There is more than one person for all of us! God didn't make only ONE person that we would be compatable with. We are social creatures. We are more akin to the Bonobos (apes who love to get it on) when it comes to relationships (anthropology term being "pair bonding").
There is no "one". There are many. Give this person a chance to be the "one" for right now.
I agree with there's no "one"! If it is,my uncle Charlie is gonna be so pissed to know he died alone!!He seriously died an untouched virgin.Man I sure hope whoever has to tell him that his "one" is walking around aimlessly while he's stuck being worm food...........wow its gonna suck to be that guy.Meanwhile the "one" is only the "one" you're left with when you're sick of looking for the fairytale "one".
I'd agree... but only to a point. Can we have successful relationships with many different people? (Though not at the same time). Absolutely. Will there, most probably, be ONE that will always stand out and push our hearts right off the cliff of reason? You bet!
Never believed in love at first sight, either - still don't - but there is no denying that for those of us lucky (or unlucky?) enough to have been smashed with a Cupid's arrow, no other person will ever ignite a reaction of just such pure attraction, even many years down the line. He or she will probably not be perfect; in fact, we'll find ourselves wondering why the heck destiny would have chosen them to play this part... But yes, he/she is "the One."
P.S. I don't believe that everyone finds that in his/her life, though. And frankly, that may turn out for the best - less tears in the long run.
There is no 'one'? But I was told there can be only one!
...okay sorry, that was lame but I had to get it off my chest.
Yes, you're right Swaim.
yeah...now your getting into polyamory and that is a whole new kettle of sillyness. Yes there are endless possibilities. And relationships do take work, but if you don't love this person, and don't see a future then cut them loss...Do them a favor
I dont like the answer to this question, neither do i like the comments. When you find THE ONE, you'll know. Of course no one is perfect and its unrealistic to expect that, but THE ONE comes close to perfect and u can overlook their flaws because of this. Considering that i have dated ALOT, I think its hard to find people just even one person that you genuinely click with and like, so when u find a person that is so much like you, u will appreciate it VERY much. So i dont know why everyone is saying there are multiple "the ones". So dumb.
Coming from another person who has dated extensively, my experience sounds a lot like yours. It's extremely rare to find somebody I click with enough to want to be with them. Yet we somehow come to opposite conclusions.
Relationships come down to choice, not destiny. Even if your criteria for choosing a partner is outrageously restrictive, there are literally millions of potentials who match your perameters. It's purely a numbers game; which one do you run into first? Personally, I find that comforting. It takes the pressure off; you're only alone as long as you choose to be. Kind of empowering, really.
I dunno, im just saying that there is always that one person that you will compare everybody else to, that you will totally miss if they left you. Maybe "the one" is too harsh of a name, but since youre not going to meet hundreds of millions of people in your lifetime, you have to choose the best one that you find.
You're going to die alone and wondering why you never found your "one", unless you abandon that ridiculous theory.
So will everyone else who believes the same thing.
What we're trying to get at is that there is no mythical "one" person on the planet who you're destined to be with. "The one" just is a fairy tale, where you're swept off your feet by some perfect man and live happily ever after. In reality, there are many people who you could possibly be compatible with. By the numbers, supposing that someone you would want to be with is one in a million, then there are about 150 men in this country that would match up, and about 3 thousand of them on the planet. No matter how picky you are, there would have to be several hundred people you were compatible with, and hopefully, eventually you will bump into one of them somewhere, somehow. As Mannon said, it's not destiny, it's probability.
Yes, its all about probability! Totally true. Isnt love just a game of the heart lol
I dont like the answer to his question nor do i like the comments. When you find the one, you'll know. Maybe not right away but you'll know at some point. There arent multiple "the ones" . Coming from a person that has dated extensively, its really hard to find even one person that you really like. The one may not be perfect but they come pretty close to it.
All I can say is, I met my wife in High School, she's the only girl I've ever seriously dated, and I knew within minutes of meeting her that I would probably propose to her at some point, and I STILL think "the one" is something created to sell movies and gift cards. Perhaps that makes me the fool. Or perhaps, just perhaps, it makes me THE WISEST OF US ALL.
You could also be very lucky, or just really, really persuasive...
I agree with you Swaim. The idea of "the one" is absurd and was created to sell flowers and fruit baskets. Terrible music has been made over "the one" and spurred an even worse counter-culture. I'm married, love it and still not 100% sure it'll last. There could be a random grizzly bear attack or toasters may learn to dance through use of ghostly slime. Like you said, do we want terrorists? I think not.
Extremely well written, Swaim. I knew I felt that way, but I didn't know how to articulate it until I read this.
It seems like you may not only have a future in comedy, but in an op-ed column as well!
-Z
Did you just tag this entry "life the universe and everything"? Wow, you just scored a couple hundred geek points, Michael :D
As for the one, I have to warn you all first that I am not a really a romantic gal. So here is what I believe in:
- Is there a lot of people we can be attracted to? Yes, tons.
- Is there a lot of people we can click with? Yes, less than simple atraction, but still alot.
- Is there a lot of people that will not bore us after a couple weeks? We are already reducing the odds drastically.
- Is there a lot of people that are able to life with us until death do us part? No. But there are more than one for sure.
The concept of "the one" tells us that there is that one person so perfect for us that it will just work. Which is dumb since every single relationship needs work (and not only romantic ones).
So, if your definition of "the one" is that of the first person you have loved so far that is able to handle your mood swings untill you hit the 100 years milestone, then yes, ok.
If it is something in the verve of "there only one person for me, and we are destined to be and we will just know for sure", then wake up fast, because you may miss the person that could be there for you for the rest of your days because of a fairy tale fantasy.
I think you're dead on, Swaim. My girlfriend and I met on our first day at university, and she said that at that moment she thought it would be amazing if we got married (and she had a boyfriend at the time). I always have doubts about our relationship, but I think it reflects more on me than her, and I realise my doubts are unreasonable and irrational. I couldn't bear the though of living without her, and that's the most important thing.
There is No "the One". My philosophy is that there may be more than one Love in your lifetime and relationships evolve and change constantly. You will certainly know if you are in love and have met your best match at this time in your life, its a combination of chemistry, compatibilty, having the same values, timing and luck.
Youre right, "the one" is over rated. I dont believe in it,but I believe there is that one person that is the exception. I met a guy that was that person, but was doubtful. He got married when I didnt accept his moves, and all I can think is its just moments of total attraction and never quite leaves you. Funny how the person you thought to be the one, is actually the one who in the end you realize you werent sure of!
I agree but my inner geek has a point of contention. Assuming you're correct and there is no "one", just different degrees of compatibility, theoretically there still could be one single person who is most compatible with you. So yes, "the one" could exist, but it wouldn't be common. Rarer still would be actually hooking up with your "one."
You'd have to be on the outermost fringe of society to have only one compatible mate. Like being one of the only two gay eskimos, or something. Having just one viable option to find true love is supposed to be romantic, but if you think about it, it's actually probably the scariest most depressing thing in the world.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KynIKjRwqDI
not to encourage group-think, but damn we're so right.
I used to beleive in "the One" I met this awesome girl in high school who I thought I would love forever and would literally burn in hell for eternity if it would have saved her. She died after 2 days after our 2 year anniversay. I was a broken man for 2 years, but then I met my wife and She healed my broken heart and mended my soul. So who would i consider my "ONE"? I think they both were, if i had given up and never allowed myself the oppurtunity to love, then I would be alonely drunk right now, wallowing in my own filth and trash. I've been married for 7 years with our first child due any day now, so Yay me!
how about just "the one" you can tolerate at the moment why does everything have to have a tomorrow ? i dont even know what im doing this afternoon!
The 'one' thing is definately overrated. My husband and I met about a month after I moved to a new country at the exact moment he got out of the army. Seems fated no? Bullshit. We still have to work so hard at our relationship and probably if I had just accepted the 'one' theory we would have given up and said that he wasn't. He's not the 'one' but he is an amazingly wonderful guy and I sure amn't going to let him get away ever.
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