Politely.
Look, like it or not, she's going to be around. Asking a guy to ditch his friends is a bad move (how'd you take it if he asked you to ditch your BFF), so that's out. So, you're going to have to settle it calmly, and reasonably.
Take her aside, or set up a lunch. Explain to her how you feel using non-accusatory "I" statements. For example, "I feel you don't exactly approve of me, and that translates out to how you interact with me and him." Be diplomatic in how you say things; keep in mind both interpretations of how this went are coming back to your boyfriend.
Then, listen to what she has to say. There might be something you're doing that rubs her the wrong way. From there, you should be able to work out your differences. Good luck!
I totally don't agree with this answer. It is your boyfriend you should be talking to not her. Because it is your boyfriends friend and he should be the one to set up ground rules with his BFF. I assume that they are spending too much time together, on the phone, or he is confiding in her when you want to be the one he talks to about things. Totally normal. Everyone I know thinks that in a serious relationship being best friends is just as important as the romantic aspect of the relationship. If you and your boyfriend are serious or plan to be so it is natural that he should stop relying on his BFF and start relying on you and putting you first more. Not saying he should stop being friends with her, but he should want to put you first and have you be his best friend. I do not know of any married couples where the husband has a best girlfriend that he spends a lot of time with. its not really appropriate. She should know all this, as a girl who has guy friends I know first hand and have accepted that when a guy friend gets a girlfriend things will change and thats ok. If you go to his friend and tell her to back off even in the nicest of ways, it is not sending the right message to her. it says, hey i can't get my boyfriend to tell you to back off, maybe he doesn't want to back off so i am going to tell you to back off because i am insecure and jealous. If your boyfriend is the one to tell her he needs to spend more time with you etc, it says to her that he is serious about you and she will have to accept the change. If you boyfriend doesn't accept your feelings about this, and refuses to put you first than that's a big problem.
I lean against using anybody as a proxy for dealing with their friends, regardless of gender. Indirect discussions have way more potential for miscommunication. Besides, sticking a friend between you and their significant other is always an uncomfortable thing to do.
Ok so say a girl's boyfriend keeps getting calls and text messages from his ex. Is it the girlfriends responsibility to call the ex and tell her off? or is it the boyfriends responsibility to tell the ex that he has a new girlfriend that he cares about and cannot be texting and calling his ex anymore. Doesn't the same rule apply in this situation?
No, because there's no reason for an ex to be around at all. A BFF is going to be in the BF's life and so will also be in the GF's life in some way.
If you look at the comment by lilly who wrote the question, the bff and her boyfriend slept together in the past and she thinks the girl still wants her boyfriend. It makes total sense that her boyfriend respect her feelings and put her above this friend of his. If he didn't want complicated issues with a girlfriend not liking his best friend then he shouldn't have slept with the best friend in the first place. He should at least set up some boundaries with his friend and tell her its not ok to flirt with him on facebook or anything innappropriate like that. Bottom line, married couples do NOT have relationships like these after they are married. It is NOT ok for a married man or woman to have a best friend relationship with the opposite sex that comes before the best friend relationship in the marriage. Especially not ok if they hooked up in their past. So if a relationship is serious and or heading toward marriage things change that's just how it is.
The whole concept of being jealous or threatened by your partner's opposite sex best friend is ridiculous to me. EVEN if they're all after your bf's goodies, who cares? If you're worried she's going to try to sleep with him then it's not so much about the BFF, it's about how you don't trust your boyfriend to behave themselves. You can confront every girl in the world and tell her to "step off" but it won't solve the core problem.
Or maybe I'm reading this wrong and the BFF is eating all the chips and not putting in any money for Friday Night Pizza Night, or something.
My boyfriend's best friend, Jen, was also his fuck buddy for about three months. I have no worries whatsoever about them being close because she's a wonderful girl and I adore her. Even if I thought she wanted to sleep with him, I wouldn't be worried because I know he wouldn't do it.
This is why I avoided boys with girl BFFs at all costs - too much drama/more trouble than it's worth.
Im not worried about my guy, its her. Between the random txting to talk to the facebook comments with little hearts. They hooked up once in the past and he doesnt like her that way obvi, but just her vibe around him gives me the sense that shes still totally into him which makes me VERY uncomfortable. I dont know her well enough to sit her down and chat over a lunch or something. Way too weird nd she'll think im crazy ( then prob use it as ammo against me to txt my guy). Thanks for the help... Would love more advice from everyone!!
Well, I had sort of the same problem . . . even the "little hearts" she would write on the facebook comments, too! I wondered, what the hell is this girl thinking, to be doing that to someone who's got a significant other? I asked a friend what he thought, and he said she was probably desperate for attention, and maybe this was her way of getting it; my boyfriend's a nice guy, and he gave her some attention in the past . . . so she thought she could get some more.
How I handled it was, I stated clearly how I felt about his possible interactions with her--I let him know that I knew they had had a little thing going briefly in the past, and that I felt (from the way she was interacting with him in a public forum such as facebook) that she might still be interested, and doubted very much (since she clearly didn't seem to give a shit who saw her little hearts on the posts, even ME) that she would respect our relationship, if she were given any opportunity to be with him. I didn't ask him to cut contact with her, or anything like that, but I think that the things I said made him think about whether or not giving in and giving her attention was worth the disruption it might cause to our relationship.
She ended up sort of fading away into the background (guess she didn't get enough attention from him and finally gave up!), although once in a while I think she'll send him a random email or something. But he doesn't keep in regular contact with her, and he and I have been together almost five years. So, if you can just "wait it out", maybe eventually your boyfriend's female friend will get bored and fade away, too!
I will tell you, though, that if I'd ever had the chance to meet this girl face-to-face (I'd never actually met her, as she had moved far away before he and I started dating . . . oh god, and all the "OMG I'm sooooo homesick! :( Please send me a hug!" posts were soooo fucking pathetic) I would have told her exactly the same thing that I told my boyfriend--not in a bitchy way, just in a matter-of-fact way . . . letting her seek attention via the internet is one thing, but if she had been physically around us, I think some very clear boundaries would have had to be set.
Good luck to you, Lilly!
Hi Erin.
Something similar to a situation I'm in, except, what if your guy had cheated/left you and had a bit of a history of it? Would you be so trusting then? And of course what if he had kept her a secret from you?
Sounds like the OP is very insecure about her relationship and her guy. She can claim that she isn't worried about her guy, just the girl, but outside of rape, it takes two to tango. No matter how much the BFF might want into his pants, if he doesn't go along, it aint happening. Stop thinking of the BFF as competition and just consider her another of his friends. Obviously, he isn't as into her as he is his GF, or he'd BE with her.
Putting your BF in the middle is foolish, and will let him know you don't trust him. So if you don't "know her well enough to meet with her" Why? Being in a relationship is not just "you and him", there is family, friends, life involved. GET to know her...maybe once you do, you'll feel less insecure.
To the OP, this isnt' about the BFF, or her previous relationship, or the hearts in comments on FB (really? THAT is a problem?). It's about her insecurities and how she deals with them.
my husband has a good male friend. Before he and I dated, he was dating his friend's mother. She cheated on him. However, when we started dating she started sending me messages online telling me how he will always be a part of her life. I just always blew it off. She was after all his EX - that said she keeps trying to contact him, and he has now gotten to a point where he is involving her in personal family affairs that he wont involve me in. She is always texting him, and not too long ago, started telling him she was alone, and where is he at, and that she can't contact him past his "Curfew" -- Geez this woman is old enough to be his mother obviously. He refuses to stop contact with her, saying i'm just insecure, and uses the fact that he's friends with her son to stay in contact. I'm very uncomfortable with it, and he says the messages from her are ONE WAY and he isn't responding back the way she speaks to him. Even if that is true, it's only been a month since i found out he had an affair with another woman. So it's incredibly hard to trust him even more so now. That said the other woman, was also a person he asked me if it was ok to be friends with because we both worked with her. He ended up telling all kinds of personal things about our marriage to her, including things about our sex life, some things weren't even true, but it was enough to get him to the point of cheating. He admitted it upon my questioning, i forgave him for it. He told me to stay out of his phone, and changed passwords to accounts that i had passwords to, and then had nerve to tell me he wanted to remain friends with this tramp. Within two weeks he deleted her from his phone and his facebook. I thought it was moving forward... and BOOM! Not even a full month after he cheated I found out I was pregnant. He is super excited about, his first child (my second), but AFTER he learned this he added this woman back into his phone and his facebook. I addressed this issue - told him it was disrespectful to our marriage and to the baby. - He again has deleted her from facebook, but I have to wonder now, is he going to continue to do it, and just hide it, because he didn't delete her from the phone, and he doesn't want me touching it. He says if i can't trust him enough to stay out of his phone then we shouldn't be together. I feel as his PREGNANT WIFE, he shouldn't be wanting to be friends with his EX or the OTHER WOMAN. BUT he doesn't seem to think it's an issue. So --- you have to ask yourself - how far are you willing to go to accept his FEMALE friends. Just saying?