All of them. Really, if your boyfriend doesn't want to hear your problems, and actually says this to you, it's time to get a new boyfriend.
Just remember: this is a two-way street. He may not want to talk about his problems much, but when he does, you need to be there. Just a friendly reminder to all.
it's true though, women innately dont want to burden others, especially their man, so thats a tough one. great answer. and it's true, the good ones do appreciate it actually. the last few dates i've had with the guy i'm seeing i asked his opinion about some personal issues, one was about a friend issue i was having and another a professional dilemma. he was only too happy to talk about it and has even followed up asking how things went. he's opened up more about some of his work stuff too, which i also appreciate. it is a two way street, but its an easy one, the work you put in comes right back to you.
The "I don't want to burden him" pretty much says it all.
Glad to hear it going well with him.. :)
But yeah, it's a two way street : if you want him to listen, listen carefully to what he says, he'll be more than happy to see it and to listen to you afterwards.. :)
aw tx doll :)
Just a point to remember. There is unloading your problems to gain another perspective or comfort then there is constantly complaining about your life and generally seeming to be unhappy. As a man I love to help my fiance with her problems whenever she has them, talk through all her thoughts even though my more pragmatic way of thinking can sometimes annoy her. My ex wife was always having issues, things most of us would just say 'meh' to, like being in traffic in a large city, we all know we will be in traffic on a major highway at 4pm on a weekday. While we all get annoyed by the little things, she would make it out to be like Satan sought her out just to mess with her or something. Every single negative in her life needed two hours of discussion and then she would bring it up again an hour later. There is a big difference between opening up and sharing your concerns and issues, and being a negative person who complains about everything. Nobody likes to live with negativity all day every day, it becomes depressing for your partner because they just can't help you or make things better. So there's my two cents.
good point! i had one of those negative exes as well. are we talking about unloading a problem that is perplexing us that we need perspective on, or are we talking about unloading the 747 baggage container?
Yup, been there too. While I tried to be supportive nothing I did or said was ever good enough. He would still complain about every single thing and it really gets so tiring after a while. And it starts to rub off on you, too. I used to find myself channeling his negative vibe, even when he wasn't around.
So yeah, I'd say there's a big difference.
me too. i can relate to that feeling of never having the right words or actions that are good enough to get them out of their funk. i was angry a lot when i was with my ex and it didnt even dawn on me until after the fact when other people mentioned the difference. one of my own girlfriends even said, i've never seen you get complimented on your smile so much since he's been gone.
Right? That's wonderful. I guess everything does happen for a reason. :)
i never quite looked at it that way, thats very sweet.
My boyfriend doesn't seem to mind when I talk about my problems but if they have anything to do with him, he tunes me out. If it's unrelated to our relationship and if we are together in person, he will usually squeeze my hand or massage my back and say everything will be ok, he doesn't give a whole lot of detailed feedback. If it's something bugging me about him or something he does and I need some sort of resolution and input from him, he will either ignore me completely or change the subject, usually to something superficial that he knows I don't want to hear at that time. I need to resolve it so I keep at it, but I don't yell or attack him, I speak quietly and I'm usually nice about it but the excessive talk about one problem will drive him completely away from me for a few days, and when we resume talking it's not wished to be brought up again, and I'm still left with an unresolved issue. He doesn't talk about his concerns regarding us EVER so even when he's getting ready to bail for a few days to escape my chattering, I can never be prepared because I don't know what's in his head! I am learning to not bring things up if my issues are only speculation caused by lack of knowing what he might be thinking.
Sounds like a grade A inconsiderate. No offense to you or him. Many men seem to be built that way, some of my male friends will randomly call me to grab drinks and once we are at the bar he tells me pretty much what you said, except from the male side. They think their SO is being too focused on the relationship issues, they don't want to talk about it/deal with it so they just act like they don't care when usually it is all they can think about. I have seen men who I work with, Police Officers, some of the most hardened men I know, men who have seen some pretty terrible things and dealt with life and death scenarios, scared of going home because they will have to 'talk about things'.
Every man is a coward when it comes to something, for me, it's spiders, clowns and heights, and I have a resume that yells out 'MAN' haha. So, as I always tell my friends, if I am not afraid to talk things through and open myself up, or even cry with my partner then they should man up, grow a pair and deal with their problems. That is pretty much the talk you boyfriend needs.
Thank you so much! I needed to hear that. (sorry everyone for double post on my last comment btw, my computer froze so I went back and put the comment in again).
My guy is so closed up it's scary and I wonder if he'll ever just let it out, I encourage him to but I get the feeling sometimes when I tell him that's what I want, then he might think I'm trying to change him or control him and it's not the case at all. I admit I do obsess over what he's doing or what he might be thinking sometimes and occasionally I get upset for things I worry he might do instead of stuff he actually did (jealousy problems I'm trying to control now, and the cause of all 3 fights we've had in the 9 months of our relationship). The fights started by me telling him how something made me feel and he thinks it's all in my head (which it is mostly) but my pushing him to see my point of view resulted in him shutting down. It's frustrating because I'm trying to see it from his side, he's closed up and wont let his real feelings show, but to me it just feels like he doesn't care at all and just goes on his daily routine without giving it a second thought, while I have to deal with it alone and try to come up with some resoltion to put my mind at peace. I can't constantly badger him to open up to me it will just force an ending to our relationship, but I'm hoping one day as we grow closer maybe he'll be more willing to discuss things with me. His last relationship ended because he would not talk about something his ex wanted to talk about, and she said either talk to me now or you can leave... well we all know what his decision was lol. Good for me in that aspect since I have him now, but I'm dealing with the same problem his ex had. I worry in the future when we have real problems like possibly children or money that he might leave me hanging to deal with them alone.
Cleared the double post for you. Sometimes computers are a right pain in the posterior.
Men sometimes have a hard time opening up.. it will at some point of the relationship.. My man has problems to speak things out too, and it comes out, it's never at the right moment..
What I do usually is to write things down so at least I said it, though I might not be answered. At least he knows how I feel and why. I then email him, and bring the conversation up next time we talk to each other. usually it has had the time to be read and to get into his brain. And even though I don't have tons of reactions, at least he knows. And most of the time tries to work on it.
(yeah I know I write everything down. I do have a hard time opening up too, so writing is to me safer, as I can choose my words more carefully, and have time to think about it and put things "right" so he won't get offended)
I’ve got my fingers cross I will find a guy l can share my problems with. I’ve always had to resolve my own issues & that pretty much sucks. Yeah, it makes you stronger, but it gets old after awhile…