It's not hard to get out of this situation. Stop responding to his booty calls. It doesn't sound like your dating, so it's not like you have to break-up with him. This relationship is strip mining your self-esteem. It's making you feel ugly, and sex should never make you cry. Unless they're post-orgasm tears of joy.
Take your toys away, and this part of the situation will be resolved. No, I don't mean literal toys. I mean your vagina.
'Tis easier to give advice than take it. Blah, blah, blah. I get that sometimes negative attention is better than no attention. Better to hate a booty call, than hate the lack of one. Now, let's both take a little breath. And... in with the air. Hold it. HOLD! Now... out. Ready?
No one will ever think you're beautiful if you don't think you're beautiful. I've never met you. I don't know what you look like. You could very well be nasty. But you know what? It doesn't matter. I've worked with many models in my career, and the first thing you have to understand about models is that they all think they're ugly.
Beauty is about feeling beautiful. Don't feel beautiful? Wing it. Pretend. Keep the act up, and eventually you'll forget it's an act. But you can't expect someone to find you sexually or romantically valuable if you don't think you're worth much. And trust me, the fact that you're self-critical enough to doubt yourself and to ask for help means you're worth more than most of the glassy-eyed zombie sheep out there.
You're sweet? Who doesn't like sweet. A sweet girl is preferable to a mean one. And shy means you're not totally stuck-up. You workout, so you're healthy. Don't get me started on curves. I love women who look like women. Most guys will agree with me.
Okay. The answer to your question is this: you're going to have many more lovers in your life. Some will suck. Some will be boring. A couple will break your heart. One will be scared to tell you he loves you, but eventually he'll sack up and do it and the sweet relief on his face will make you forget that first guy you boned who made you cry.
Love this! Thank you for answering such a wonderful question so beautifully. Absolute perfection, I wouldn't change a thing...heed the advice of the RP.
Your are an advice column rock star!!! Perfect answer filled with wisdom. And I just love it when people say "boned". hahah
aahh! You are a sweet, bad boy. Wish there were more like you
aww thumbs up on the advice. Its true about the crying during (or after) sex , that has totally happened to me. I think its because we come to the realization that the guy we just gave up our goodies to is a two bit piece of crap.
Don't worry about having to be in a relationship honey. You can't let a relationship define you. Continue working out! Eat healthy, treat yourself well! Feeling not so pretty? Go to the salon :) get your makeup done, that always makes me feel better
Beautifully said, John. I'm taking away some of this advice for myself. Thanks!
I'm so touched, this response made ME cry! But in a good way.
Ladies, this is proof that bad boys can have heart and soul, too. These guys, one by one, little by little, are teaching me that not all guys are just aching for the chance to rip my heart out of my chest and stomp on it. There's also quite a few who are truly wonderful.
*sniff*
GREAT ADVICE!! Everyone has insecurities about themselves and like stated above, even models think they're ugly. That's why I always tell people how beautiful I am! Everyone laughs and gets a kick out of it. My son asked me once why I do that. I said because it takes people a while to realize how beautiful I really am. This way I'm just giving them a heads up. But no, seriously, I really am beautiful!!
DeVore you are awesome with a side of wonderful!
Sigh....lovely answer...just lovely and with enough "man" in it not to be corny.
Hmmm my last two comments just went away....
Just wanted you to know I thought your response here was just lovely John...sigh..just lovely.
Devore, between your advice here and the Mind of Man, I often find myself somewhat jealous of your girlfriend. Ho hum.
awww... you made me cry! This was my question, and when I wrote it I was holding on by just a thread. Every time I think I've cried all the tears that I can cry, I find that's pretty much untrue. I'd rather go back to blending in with the wallpaper than feel trapped by this situation any more.
Thank you for the wonderful advice! Even though I cry everytime I read it, I'm gonna have to keep/print/stick it to the refrigerator (if you've ever had weight/self-esteem problems, you pretty much understand why), or the mirror, so I can remember you told me something about this situation that made me feel less bad. Thank you!!
First off, I'd like to give mad props to Mr. DeVore for answering such a question with such suave. (John, you are by far my favorite online author and you have more way perception than 99% of the other douchebags out there. By the way--if you ever break up with your woman, I'm single.)
But this question is best answered by a woman. More specifically, one who has been in this situation.
Darling, your first mistake was admitting that you're not beautiful. That's not an admission--that's a lie. You are drop-dead-fucking-gorgeous. If you don't believe that, then who else will? I wake up everyday and tell myself that I'm a goddess. Sure, I've got hips the size of semis and a little belly, but I've also got a rack to rival Christina Hendricks and, with a touch of makeup, bedroom eyes and killer lips. Curves are sexy. Stick insects are not.
As the lovely Miss Piggy says, "Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. But sometimes a stupid or misinformed beholder needs a black eye." Don't ever let anyone tell you that you are anything less than spectacular.
I've been almost in this same situation -- no joke. How do you get out of this situation? Stop answering his phone calls. Stop answering his texts. Delete his number, block him from Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, and whatever other social networking torture devices you have him on. Yes, it's hard, especially when he's your first. It sucks. But tear yourself away and let him go. He's not going to change, and nothing you do will make him change. He's not going to magically do a 360 and show up at your door bearing daffodils.
One thing that you will eventually learn is that you--yes, YOU -- have ALL of the power. If you want him to stop, you need to take the steps to make him stop. As long as he's in the picture, you're not going to pay attention to anyone else and you are going to totally miss the opportunity to meet a great guy. And yes, they do exist, despite what your dating track record might say.
Next, go out and drop a little cash on a few things. 1) a new low-cut sexy top or tight jeans, or even a new pair of sweatpants--whatever is going to make you feel amazing 2) some kick-ass lip gloss, and 3) The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene. (Trust me on this one.)
When you feel sexy, you ARE sexy. Start sleeping naked. Wear sexy underwear. Laugh. Send out positive vibes, and people will be drawn to you. Think about it. We all like to be around people who are enjoying themselves.
Now that you've got rid of the emotional fuckwit, get yourself all dolled up, and go make a night of it. Get together with your girls, head out to the closest bar with the hottest bartender, and force yourself to talk to guys. The two sexiest things you can wear are your confidence and your smile. Being as sweet as you are, you'll get scooped up by a decent guy in no time.
Remember, R-E-S-P-E-C-T. If they don't got it, they don't get it.
The fact that you're 'not beautiful' (which, I'll admit, I don't believe. Girl, have some confidence- say it out loud, I AM BEAUTIFUL.), sweet, shy, overweight and in shape has NOTHING, NOTHING to do with the rest of your situation. The fact is, you're in a p that is making you urely sexual 'relationship' that is making you uncomfortable. You could be nasty, mean, outgoing and skinny and my advice would be the same: GET OUT. Stop it. You're not comfortable, and nobody, ever, should have sex when they don't want to.
Please, stop answering his calls. Stop answering his texts. Go out with friends and forget about him. Someone who respects you will come along, especially if you respect yourself first.
Woah, okay, my comment got majorly effed up.
'The fact is, you're in a p that is making you urely sexual 'relationship' that is making you uncomfortable.'
was meant to be: The fact is, you're in a purely sexual relationship, and it's making you uncomfortable.
"Okay. The answer to your question is this: you're going to have many more lovers in your life. Some will suck. Some will be boring. A couple will break your heart. One will be scared to tell you he loves you, but eventually he'll sack up and do it and the sweet relief on his face will make you forget that first guy you boned who made you cry."
Sums it all up. Bravo, Mr DeVore.
honey, i'm old enough to be your mom, but i'm not, so here's some advice... there are no two letter swear words so you can just say "NO". no i don't want lousy sex, no, i'm not ugly/fat/or desperate enough to put up with a dud in bed or any where else, thank you. and no, i don't depend on some loser guy to tell me who or what i am. my daughter learned from day one that she was smart , beautiful and able to be/do anything she wanted in life, and she is. and sweetie so are you. if you haven't had anyone tell you yet then hear it from me....YOU are beautiful, strong and smart and you can be and do any thing in this life that you want!! there are lots of nice guys out there so don't waste your time, energy or tears with a mentally blind man. C'mon, Miss America, go get your crown! walk across that room like you're the hottest thing on 2 legs and you will be. it's all up to you.
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