If you don't want to be humiliated, simply don't tell him.
Sure, you tell him about the depression as needed, that is a given, as it is something that can seriously effect how the relationship runs. But your sexual experience, or lack of it, is really none of his business!
Why people insist on thinking they have the right to know everything about their partner, and the obligation to spill their guts on first meeting is totally beyond me, and is going to be part of next weeks blog post.
So, get your game face on and get out there. Inexperience won't fix itself, you know!
I know how you feel. I was a virgin until just a few months before my 25th birthday. I struggled for years, pushing guys away because I was embarrassed and afraid that I would be ridiculed for my inexperience. I'm not going to lie, some weren't interested in slowing down to meet my pace. Sometimes I felt like I missed out on great guys but honestly, if they were that great, they would have waited until I was ready instead of bailing. I don't think there is anything wrong giving a guy a heads up about your sexual inexperience. Relationships are about communication, right? I think when you find someone that you want to take it to the next level with, THAT'S when say something.
I think it's just as bad to share too much about your past inexperience as it is to share tidbits about all of your sexual exploits. If he thinks you haven't done much, he won't be motivated to do his best work in bed. You might be taken for a right, so to speak, in more ways than one.
*Correction: You might be taken for a ride...
I agree that the first time you meet someone is definitely not the time to be telling them about your level of sexual experience, but if you start to get more serious with a guy I think telling him that you're a virgin might be something to consider. Guys around your age are probably going to want sex sooner than you might be ready to give it, and it's important that you move at a pace you're comfortable with.
Anyway, the point is it's your decision to make whether you tell a guy or not. When the time comes you just have to decide if you're comfortable telling him. I also think the way he acts when you tell him could say a lot about if he's the right guy for you.
I wanted to let you know that being a virgin at 25 is absolutely nothing to feel humiliated about! I'm hoping you can maybe begin to view it as a positive thing. Would you rather have lost it at age 14 to some kid who's voice didn't change yet and played video games all day? :P You're at a good place in your life right now, you overcame depression and that's awesome! Believe inside yourself that whichever decision you make, it will be the right one.
I lost my virginity at 26, and definitely recommend keeping that fact to yourself. When my partner asked me how many men I slept with I simply said "I don't do numbers." He never asked again. I know losing the V card when you're older feels momentous and embarrassing but it's really not that big of a deal unless you make it one.
For most of us who wait until we are well into our twenties, it is a big deal. I'm sure most can say they definitely had the opportunity sooner but decided not to for some reason or another.
As for lying to someone when they ask you an outright question, well that just seems wrong. Yes it was a tad uncomfortable for me to tell my 27 year-old boyfriend that I was a virgin but I don't regret it at all. It's important to be open and honest with someone you are about to be intimate with.
When I say "it's not that big a deal", I don't mean that losing your virginity should not matter to you. Of course it will. I mean that you shouldn't think of it as a huge problem to be solved or a great impediment to relationships. I mean that you should have a relaxed, positive attitude and try not to build it up in your head too much. And I did not "lie" to the first guy I slept with. I simply sidestepped the question and he never asked again. Now I didn't know him very well when we had sex and if I had to do it over again I'd not be sexual with someone in a casual relationship. I would definitely recommend waiting until you are in a committed relationship. But the fact that you are physically intimate doesn't necessarily mean you are emotionally intimate. A certain amount of self-withholding is usually necessary to self-protect in such circumstances. Again, I am not encouraging sex-so-soon, I'm just saying if you choose to do it there's a different standard of behavior.
Can we stop treating virginity like it's something to be ashamed of? This is why girls are rushing to lose their virginity when they're 12; because the older virgins act like they're so ashamed of themselves, even if they had a valid reason for waiting.
You should only be ashamed of virginity if you give it to the wrong person. Which I did. lol.
It's hard to balance out the various voices in my head. The positive side is saying that it's totally fine that I'm 24 and still a virgin. The negative side wonders what the hell is wrong with me and that I'll never have any sex if I haven't had it by now.
Quite frankly, I would just love to get to the point where this discussion is even an issue with a guy. I'm inexperienced in more areas of relationships beyond sex, so I feel particularly abnormal haha
I'm 26 and a virgin. It'll stay that way for a while and I don't care.
I don't know if I will be able to give you advice about depression, but I can definitely relate to talking about sexual inexperience.
After a break up with a guy that I gave my virginity to (and briefly dated), I found out from his very drunk best friend at a party that the guy has been telling him all about how new and inexperienced I was in bed. Not to mention that I was mortally embarrassed at that time, I began to see my sexual inexperience as something shameful.
Then I started dating another guy, but the hurtful memory of my ex making a comment of my inexperience still haunted me. One day, when things started heating up with the guy, I started freaking out, pushing him away in a slight panic. He noticed something big was on my mind and asked me what it was. I reluctantly said that I had barely any experience in bed. Then he hugged me and said,
"I don't care about how good you are at sex. I like you as a person and love spending time with you and that's all that matters."
I think there is nothing wrong with you telling the guy about your inexperience if you feel like he has to know. (Depression is whole another animal though.) And I can tell you from experience that if a guy really cares about you, your inexperience won't matter to him at all! :)
I don't know if I will be able to give you advice about depression, but I can definitely relate to talking about sexual inexperience.
After a break up with a guy that I gave my virginity to (and briefly dated), I found out from his very drunk best friend at a party that the guy has been telling him all about how new and inexperienced I was in bed. Not to mention that I was mortally embarrassed at that time, I began to see my sexual inexperience as something shameful.
Then I started dating another guy, but the hurtful memory of my ex making a comment of my inexperience still haunted me. One day, when things started heating up with the guy, I started freaking out, pushing him away in a slight panic. He noticed something big was on my mind and asked me what it was. I reluctantly said that I had barely any experience in bed. Then he hugged me and said,
"I don't care about how good you are at sex. I like you as a person and love spending time with you and that's all that matters."
I think there is nothing wrong with you telling the guy about your inexperience if you feel like he has to know. (Depression is whole another animal though.) And I can tell you from experience that if a guy really cares about you, your inexperience won't matter to him at all! :)
I don't know if I will be able to give you advice about depression, but I can definitely relate to talking about sexual inexperience.
After a break up with a guy that I gave my virginity to (and briefly dated), I found out from his very drunk best friend at a party that the guy has been telling him all about how new and inexperienced I was in bed. Not to mention that I was mortally embarrassed at that time, I began to see my sexual inexperience as something shameful.
Then I started dating another guy, but the hurtful memory of my ex making a comment of my inexperience still haunted me. One day, when things started heating up with the guy, I started freaking out, pushing him away in a slight panic. He noticed something big was on my mind and asked me what it was. I reluctantly said that I had barely any experience in bed. Then he hugged me and said,
"I don't care about how good you are at sex. I like you as a person and love spending time with you and that's all that matters."
I think there is nothing wrong with you telling the guy about your inexperience if you feel like he has to know. (Depression is whole another animal though.) And I can tell you from experience that if a guy really cares about you, your inexperience won't matter to him at all! :)
Thank you for answering my question MM and also to everyone for you comments. The reason I say almost virgin is because the guy i gave my virginity to (whom I was dating at the time) left me the next day, which was almost two years ago. After that I can't help but keep thinking what if the next one finds my inexperience unattractive and leaves me completely mortified? They are bound to notice.
If a guy you date is that bothered by your experience or lack there of, he's not the right guy for you. I'm not saying he's a complete tool because he doesn't like it, just that both of you can and should find people who are better suited to you. As some of the other commenters said, if a guy really cares about you, he won't care.
I completely understand, and am worried about the same thing. I lost my virginity when I was young, 15, and then was a bit slutty for a bit (5 sexual partners between 15-19, but aside from the one serious boyfriend I've ever had, all were one-time deals). After that I realized that I was definitely having sex for the wrong reasons (long story), and decided just to stop. everything. It's been six years since that time, and I really feel completely re-virgin-ated, but I'm more worried about sex than I ever was before. I've done stuff, but it's not like I really remember how, if that makes sense. And now I'm interested in an older guy (I'm 25, he's 36) and I'm pretty sure we'll be having sex in the relatively near future - which I WANT to do - I'm just... nervous. I don't know how to tell him/not tell him that I have no clue what I'm doing.
Oh, and a lot of my six year down-time had a lot to do with depression too :\
Having just lost my virginity at 26 to someone I'll never see again, I can say that you shouldn't be ashamed whether you are or aren't a virgin at any age. I was a virgin until 26 for medical reasons - not moral, religious, ethical, or any other. I lost it. That's neat. And that's about the extent to which I'm willing to dwell on it.
Do whatever it is you need or want to do, girl. It's your body. I went through a period of being ashamed that I was still a virgin at 26 and worrying that I'd never have the opportunity to have sex again (it had been a bit of a dry spell...). It's not true. If you want it, it will happen. If you don't, it won't.
As for telling him, unless you're in a committed, serious, monogamous relationship, I feel there's no need. Though future sexual partners may be more willing to be gentle if they do know, you can also just say that you're sensitive or haven't been active in a while and that should do the trick :)
I can't stress enough to do whatever makes you happy!
I'm a guy, 26, and I lost my virginity a few months ago to my girlfriend who is 23 and was not a virgin. I didn't tell her I had been a virgin until we had had sex 10 times and she said she wished I had told her, because she would have "taken more control" but I hadn't because I felt there would be more pressure on me if she knew it was my first time. She forgave me instantly once I explained my reasons. Do what makes you happy. You don't need to tell a guy if you don't feel comfortable to, but he may well be more considerate if he knows. But if you keep it a secret do tell him after a few times, and explain why you didn't tell him. More to the point though, if he is a decent guy, it won't matter to him either way. Sorry, that is not very conclusive. I guess my point is with my girlfriend I could have done either, she is a great girl and really cares for me so things like that didn't matter to her - if you find a guy like that it won't matter to him either. 3 months down the line I'm having great sex and enjoying it more and more, and so will you. Good luck and I hope you find a great guy