This is a good question because it fits squarely into the realm of "talking about expectations." I've learned that many women "hope" that their men will view the situation or relationship the way that they do without every explicitly having to say anything. Maybe its for fear of rocking the boat. Maybe its just because the conversation implies more than may exist. Either way, many men use that as a cop out and excuse to do what they want to do under the guise of not being "exclusive".
And the thing is, they're right. Unless you have a conversation and establish an understanding of expectations, he'll always have a loophole out. You may think that makes him a jerk, but men thrive on technicalities.
You're well within your rights to not be comfortable "sharing" your man. And I honestly think most men would understand that. But unless you have a conversation that lays out what you expect and what he expects, chances are the man is going to run amuck until he can't anymore. Also, all men aren't like that. Three men in three years really isn't a good population sample. But also, what I take from your question is that because you all hadn't established exclusivity, you weren't sleeping with them? Is that right?
I imagine those men were looking for some physical connection as well (which is how men tend to show their connection) and because they weren't getting it from you, they got it elsewhere.
So my opinion and advice is one and the same: lay out your expectations when you feel the need so that everybody can be on the same page.
Good advice, Panama. You can't assume someone's going to be exclusive with you if you don't talk to them about it first.
Question asker here.
Just to clarify, it was 3 long term relationships (2.5 each) over 10 years. My error (typo = d'uh'). I use the terms "dating/relationship" loosely. Yes, I was sexually active with each (God, that sounds bad). But, as you said... each one used the "technicalities" loop hole. I must be very old fashioned, but if we are texting no-stop daily, spending every weekend together, very active sexually, verbally affectionate (him)... that to me is a "relationship". NOW, I am wary. I want to have the "exclusive" chat BEFORE getting sexually involved with the next man... and am feeling like a knob. I don't know about other women, but once I become intimate with a man, I am attached.
You were sexually active with 3 men over 10 yrs and think that sounds bad?? NO WAY, your body your choice how many men you sleep with (just be safe.) Women have needs to and we need to stop judging ourselves for it. You assumed you were exclusive because to you it felt like a relationship, 2.5 yrs and every weekend together, I think that would feel like a relationship to most women. But since you seem to be having a bad run with men maybe put it out there in the beginning, men respond well to women who are direct and upfront without being needy and emotional. Just phrase it like "I need X in a relationship" (What ever it is you need) Then its NOT demanding or asking anything from the man just stating what you need, then its up to the man to run or stay.
while i understand where you're coming from and feel how you feel...unless its explicitly stated, the relationship doesn't exist in the confines of exclusivity. you can play house all you want, but until you get a judge to sign off on your marriage, you aren't married.
now, if you want to have that talk before sleeping with another guy, you are welcome to do so. its your body after all. i'd even encourage it to some degree to ensure that you are getting what you want. but how long does it take to get to the "exclusive" point in your head? not that its fair, but some men may be turned off by that length of time. but at the end of the day you have yourself to worry about right?
Not entirely true. Many states in the US, and even in some other countries, common law marriages exist. In most of these places, merely cohabitated for a certain number of years (varies depending on the jurisdiction) forms a common law marriage, without ceremony nor registration even. Mind you, common law marriages are marriages, i.e., tax status, requiring a divorce to legally be able to marry another person, etc.
I've seen a few collegues who fell into a common law marriage, one of them, when the woman found out, took him to the cleaners.
No, old fashioned means you clarified what is going on before assuming you were in a relationship. Besides, if you're texting nonstop daily and only spending weekends together, it doesnt seem like the "relationship" has progressed that far, despite them being over a couple years long. I think you need to reevaluate defining relationships by substance, not length.
i dont see many men becoming exclusive before doing the deed lol
How about after however long you feel is appropriate until youd like to sleep with them..ask if theyre intimate with anyone else, if not.. go ahead (if you want to of course) and then make sure that you are the only one hes intimate with (then at least you have sexual exclusivity) and then a little down the road of dating THEN bring up 'relationship exclusivity"
Sometimes the guy's decision seems like it "comes out of left field" and there were no warning signs. We talk about being exclusive, but like PJ says, he invents some f'g loophole, which somehow makes US feel like WE need to apologize for misunderstanding.
I KNOW how that feels.
MY BF of 8 months (who always told me he loves me and I'm his best friend/soul mate, and with his kids always are like a family) admitted to having cheated, when I confronted him.
He put on this really "confused" front, and said he's not sure what he wants, and the stress of work, money, blah blah blah....for a time I actually felt BAD for him...then I said...WTF am I doing?
He's a d-bag!!!
I know this pain and weird kind of loser feeling....We are having these guys in our life to test us, and prepare us for the right one. If it IS the right one, he won't want to let you go, no matter what.
Best thing to do is put it right out there. Be like "Is this exclusive or not." Don't put out there that you won't be having sex until you know it is, because that's an opening to get lied to. Just get your answer, and decide from there if it's worth your time.
I think the question asker has a valid point. Sounded like a relationship to me. If they're seeing each other every weekend, and being intimate, that's a relationship. I say they used the lack of the exclusive conversation as an excuse to mess around. If they cared enough, they wouldn't have. You just haven't found the right person. They were inmature idiots.
true as that may be, the fact remains...until its stated it doesnt exist. you can't just assume you have a job b/c you show up every day and mop the floor.
an exclusive "we're working towards something" relationship requires a conversation where both people agree about where they are and where they're going.
I think the question asker has a valid point. Sounded like a relationship to me. If they're seeing each other every weekend, and being intimate, that's a relationship. I say they used the lack of the exclusive conversation as an excuse to mess around. If they cared enough, they wouldn't have. You just haven't found the right person. They were inmature idiots.
Every other weekend, being intimate? People are intimate with f-buddies on a more regular basis.
*Each other EVERY weekend, not every-other-weekend. Not that that's much better, but it's twice as often.
My point still applies. Being f-buddies is a relationship too. One with no strings attached. The immature thing is not having a discussion about your relationship expectations. The first time around, you get a pass. Still haven't learned by your third go round, something is wrong.
Panama Jackson is a lying d-bag and hypocrite. He gives advice and does his dirt. Why does anyone take advice from someone who doesn't follow his own advice? He's far from humble and he's a womanizer who takes advantage of his friends. He's no one's friend but his own. His advice comes from how he lives his own dirt.