This one might be a touch deep for some random anonymous dude on the net to answer successfully. Still, God hates a coward, right?
No, you don't have to love yourself to love others. A mild liking of yourself is all that is necessary - not even that if you don't mind loving an abusive douchebag who will treat you as you feel you deserve.
But I am gonna say, snap out of your haze of self obsession, chica.
No one else cares if you are not perfect. No one is perfect, ever. Hell, even Mother Teresa was ugly and had a really nasty temper.
So stop the hating of yourself for falling short of what you think you should be. That is so far beyond stupid it is wearing head padding and water wings to eat soup from a sippy cup.
Grow up. You are a perfectly normal young woman (or young man - I may not know your sex but know you are young and have never had to really work for anything). Stop being a drama queen, stop looking at everyone as a distorting mirror reflecting you and start to look at others as actual people. You might be surprised.
"- I may not know your sex but know you are young and have never had to really work for anything" i love this. above all.
Not impressed with this one. I am pretty sure I understand what this questioner was asking- as I have the same problem and I've been struggling with it for about 28 years now. It's not about being a "drama queen" or possibly the worst part of the advice given- "growing up," and it's most certainly not "stupid" either. Would you offer this kind of advice to someone who wrote to you because they were suicidal? Or someone in an abusive relationship? Someone with a mental issue? The only decent answer to those is NO so why in the hell would you, MM, give jerky advice to someone who has no self esteem and recognizes that it's causing big problems for them?? And how would you know they "never had to work for anything?" It sounds to me like you either read this person's question and labeled them a spoiled brat/probably a princess OR you were trying to be hip with your answer. In wither case, the best way is to K.I.S.S.
To the questioner: Yes you do need to love/like yourself or you will end up in some shitty relationship with an abusive dick who will know you have no self esteem and he (I'm going to assume you're a female to make it easy, so if you're not, please adjust accordingly) will jump on that, making you think you deserved him yelling at you or hitting you or telling you what a useless mess you are. You might end up with coworkers or family or friends (what few you maintain when you have this self hate problem) and others who will take advantage of you and mistreat you because you don't think enough of yourself to stop them from walking all over you. Don't head down that path.
While it's true that you shouldn't use other people as your mirror, to some extent, most of us do. In short you can't please everybody, so please yourself first. Think hard on what I just said and ruminate on it until you actually get the whole meaning. Accept the fact that you, like everybody else, have flaws and that it's okay. See a shrink or a counselor or even a religous counselor if that's your thing, if you think you need a lot of help to get out of the self-hate grip. Trust a stranger on this- if you don't get a grip in your early years, when you get to be 45 like me, you'll have problems that will seem insurmountable.
Just be the best, most decent human being you can be and remind yourself that it has to start with you. I'm not particularly religious, nor am I Jewish, but this helps me so you try it:
If I am not for myself, who will be for me?
If I am not for others, what am I?
And if not now, when?
-the Rabbi Hillel
I rarely comment here in Guyspeak but I really wanted to address MM and also this questioner. MM, you usually give sound advice so please know I don't mean any hard feelings. :)
To the person asking the question, I wish you the best. :)
sorry but, two thumbs down on your comments. narcissists do need a swift kick upside a lot of places, and that's exactly what MM did. narcissists are the cause of a lot of pain in this world and seeking sympathy or help because you are one, is just...well, narcissistic. to expect it from, as MM said, a random anonymous dude is pretty sad, and by sad i mean pathetic.
It is what it is. Sometimes we all need a big kick on the ass to get us going, and that's what MM tried to do.
Very true that, Faye!
The only thing is, he/she doesn't really sound like a narcissist, rather a person with very low self-esteem (yeah I speak from experience!!). Narcissists typically have a very over-inflated opinion of themselves and often with little justification in reality.
But in either case, both often need a hard kick in the butt; the low self-'esteemers' to realize they aren't as messed up as they think, the narcissists, that they are all that that they think they are. MM answer was appropriate given the information in the question.
narcissists are by definition selfish and ego centered, so until you get over that you won't have successful relationships. you dont have to love yourself to love others, but if you love hating yourself, you are going to sell partners short of quality experiences, and they dont deserve that. being obsessed with yourself, whether it is for love or for hate is selfish, and i beg of you not to get involved with anybody and mess them up until you get over yourself and get your act together. nobody deserves to be dragged into your spiral of hate. we all have insecurities and flaws, but nobody wants to be around people that wear it on their sleeve or on their forehead as a label. invest in some couch time, MM is right, nobody cares how much you hate yourself but the people that get paid to listen to it.
Usually, narcissists are not self proclaimed. They are exactly as Chrissie1101 says, ego centric and selfish. They are also unaware of this- as the world revolves around them and they never have the desire to evolve.
The question asker here sounds more like a young person who might be struggling with some self esteem issues and/or depression. We all go through mood swings in our lives...but the act of maturing often comes with painful self awareness. It's normal to feel like you dislike certain parts of yourself, but not healthy to live in that place of darkness and self loathing.
Becoming a real adult, no matter what your age is also having the desire and tools to change for the better. If you hate yourself, it's time to take a deeper look at what's going on, because that is not healthy. It seems like you are searching for a way out, and to change how you are feeling, so that's a step in the right direction. Perhaps seek some help to guide you through this transition.
Good luck.
that's very true. true narcissists will be the last person to call themselves a narcissist because they think they are amazing and when bad things happen it's someone else's fault or problem. yeah, good points. the asker def needs some professional redirection.
That was my impression too.
Could almost been me asking the question when I was 17...
HaHaHa! I think most of us went through that phase! :)
okay the term narcissist is being thrown around here as casually as the term: "I'm OCD" meaning- most people misuse it to prove a point. A TRUE narcissist has serious psychological issues stemming from deeply rooted insecurities and biological brain misfunctioning. They don't need a "swift kick in the rear" they need a therapist and probably medicine. Egotistic and proud people are not narcissists, and the reader may or may not be one- but for the sake of the arguement let's say they are....telling them to get over it does ZERO help. Yet again, so does NOT getting professional help. Anyway- let's atleast be clear of what a narcissist is before we start throwing the term around like it's a mere adjective and hating on the OP.
Agreed - it is a disease. However, a narcissist by definition does not hate themself.
They can not.
Actually, I disagree. You DO have to love yourself before you can love anyone else...if you have only hate in your heart there is no love to give. BUT, love is not worship...it is not celebration of perfection. Love, true love, is accepting what is not so great in the object of your love, in this case, yourself. Love is being able to see the reality of the person and still love them, not just worshipping their perfection. It's impossible to be perfect, and when you see someone as perfect, you are blinding yourself. Worshipping another person is puppy love...real, mature, honest love means accepting the faults along with the good...and when you can do that with yourself, then you're ready to bring another person into the relationship.
Those who do not love themselves, warts and all, are the ones who jump from relationship to relationship trying to find their "other half"...you have to be a complete person who can accept and love his or herself before you ever have the chance to truely love someone else, faults and all.
Hate to break it to you questioner, but you AINT a narcissist. You is just a low esteem sob. Ha.