Okay, Nick, that was a good answer for some couples. I can appreciate the effort you and Christine put into it, but it isn't always that simple. I speak from experience.

Here's how I understood the question. The fiance wants her to convert and have the ceremony in the Mormon Church. First, if he isn't willing to compromise, that should be a red flag.

Secondly, she used the word "refused" to indicate she doesn't want to do things "his" way. That sounds like she's pretty strongly rooted in her Jewish faith. That's another red flag.

It doesn't sound to me like either of them is willing to convert or compromise when it comes to their own faith. No matter how much a couple loves each other, this will always be an issue... especially once kids enter the mix. They'll each want the kids to be brought up their own way. It won't work.

I know this sounds harsh, but you guys need to talk openly and honestly about how serious you are about your religious beliefs. If you're really not willing to convert or compromise, you need to call the wedding off while you're still on good terms. If you don't, and somehow you figure out an acceptable solution for the ceremony, at least one of you will end up resenting the other, in the end.

I'm Catholic; always have been; always will be. My fiance was not. He didn't even go to church or have very strong spiritual beliefs, but claimed he's Methodist? Lutheran? I could never remember because he never talked about it. He didn't want to convert to Catholicism; didn't ask me to convert to whatever (I wouldn't have even if he had asked). We had a difficult time planning the wedding because neither of us was going to get the "dream" wedding we had imagined. We ended up settling on a Christian-based ceremony with just a few friends and family in St Thomas, USVI. As he mentioned later, when I expressed my disappointment with the ceremony, it was a lovely service. It was gorgeous on the beach. BUT, I always felt disappointed, cheated and further from my faith than I had ever been before. I resented the fact that I didn't stand up for what I really wanted.

I had a bunch of red flags, didn't see them and nobody was pointing them out to me. When it's related to a couple's religions, the bumps ARE the red flags. Talk it over seriously with him. If he's not willing to budge and you're not willing to budge, don't do it. It might not seem like a mistake right away, but it will be in the long run.

I did marry him. We're now getting divorced. I thought I could compromise. I really did try. But it wasn't until it was too late that I realized how important my faith and religion are to me.

Good luck!

Also, as far as I know...unless you are Mormon, you may not enter a Mormon temple and be a part of the wedding ceremony. This is the reason all her family and friends wouldn't be able to be a part of the wedding ceremony. They would have to wait outside until after it was over.

Don't marry him.

At least not like this.

I know it's important, but how can religion be more important than the person you love.

The fact that he is showing no consideration for your family is a little inconsiderate. Infact - it's totally selfish.

If you ever have children, what about their faith? Will he insist on bringing them up mormon without knowing their jewish background? Will that bother you?

Don't marry him.

At least not like this.

I know it's important, but how can religion be more important than the person you love.

The fact that he is showing no consideration for your family is a little inconsiderate. Infact - it's totally selfish.

If you ever have children, what about their faith? Will he insist on bringing them up mormon without knowing their jewish background? Will that bother you?

Well, I am mormon, and getting married in a temple is a VERY big deal. But the thing is... even if you DO convert to mormonism you have to abide by a set of rules in order to be worthy to go into the temple... and wait a year to go in IF you are still in the right spiritual mindset.
It's a long journey. And if you don't believe it, don't join it just to please him.

I've seen the conflict that can come with a divided Mormon/Non-Mormon household and it can add so much stress to a marriage and a family. If you believe what it teaches that is wonderful. I know I believe it. But if it's a deal breaker then just take it for what it's worth.

I'm more concerned that the fiance wants you to convert to his faith and isn't even willing to see your faith in it's own right. Next thing you know, he'll be telling you how his faith is right and yours is wrong. Then he'll get mad at you for being reluctant to convert. I hate to say it, but this man doesn't love you, he loves what you could become, as if you are unmolded clay waiting to be formed and shaped by his loving hands.

Don't misunderstand, I'm not bitter, not by any means. I went through something similar several years ago. I converted to his preferred faith (which I still practice!), but that was only the beginning of the criticism. He bashed my former faith, all but telling me how stupid I was for believing it. He made me wear dresses to church, saying that my dress pants were unacceptable. He took my money, saying that as a man, he was head of the household, even though I was employed and he was not. Obviously, it didn't work out.
This was only within Protestant faiths! Judaism and Mormonism is on two different ends of the spectrum; the only way I can see that working at all is either:
1) You both decide to forgo religion, or
2) You completely submit to his wants and desires.

But will you be happy with one of these choices? I doubt it. Even if you're willing to meet him halfway, I doubt he will do the same, especially if he's being this stubborn about something like where to hold the wedding, ESPECIALLY if it excludes your own loved ones!

I think I would end any wedding plans with him. He is probably a very good man, just not a good man for you. Probably your best bet is with someone with similar beliefs as you. Even if you're casual about your faith base, never assume it doesn't matter, because it does.

I hope everything works out for you, honey.

Can a Mormon even have an officially sanctioned Mormon wedding outside of a Mormon temple? As the Catholic in the referenced interfaith wedding, I know it took an actual conversation with my priest to convince my mother that our wedding would still be validly Catholic outside of a church (it was.) If the Mormon in the couple can ONLY have a valid wedding in a Mormon temple, it doesn't sound like a flexible enough situation for them both to be happy.
I think a successful interfaith marriage really requires taking a hard look at where the couple's beliefs and feelings on religion overlap, and where they differ, and having some serious discussions about the part that each of those segments will play in their lives. In our case, the things that were most important to us (and that we most want to pass on to our future children) were actually the areas of common ground, and we've discussed the parts that the non-shared areas will play in our shared life and have already started putting them into practice. But we started those discussions before we ever got engaged. I can't imagine getting engaged and only THEN finding out that one party had an expectation of conversion for the other party. That doesn't sound like a relationship that was ready to move into marriage to begin with. Too many couples have the "big conversations" after they've already decided, in a fit of romantic whimsy, that they want to be in love forever and ever. But that's not all marriage is. It's not just about love, it's about sharing a whole life. There needs to be greater alignment on all sorts of things - and DISCUSSIONS - if you want to have children someday (and if you're open to adoption if things don't work out), where you want to live (and if you'd be willing to move for either person's career if it came to that), all SORTS of things. It's important to know what kind of life you're both open to before you put down a deposit on a catering hall.

I was raised Mormon, but stopped attending church as an early teenager. The rules about marriage within the temple and the process of being "sealed for all eternity" are very strict. Christine is correct; it is impossible to have a church-sanctioned wedding outside of the temple, so the possibility of her not converting is out of the question. My parents had a show wedding outside at their reception, as my mother's family was not Mormon and therefore could not attend the temple ceremony.

Also, according to church doctrine, temple marriage is a requirement to get into the highest level of Mormon heaven (the celestial kingdom). That's right, you cannot be allowed into the ultimate heaven without being married, and being married to a Mormon (within the temple). It is near impossible to be a non-conservative Mormon, as the church often serves as the member's primary social network. The community watches your every move, so if you or your spouse miss a few sundays, people will talk and fingers will be pointed. As a child, I found "inactive" members to be very strange... every Sunday, Wednesday was a potluck, a meeting, time with the kids I had grown up with, so I didn't understand why others would not want to be part of that.

With a nonmember spouse, he would feel inadequate and unable to do what he is required to do (have missionaries over, family home evening, home teachers, bring his wife into the church, etc) and always scrutinized by gossiping matriarchs. She would feel pressured to renounce her religion, and would definitely be required to at least feign an acceptance for the strangeness of his. An interfaith relationship with a Mormon might be one of the least viable, as membership to that church is often all-consuming.

Sorry Nick, I don't agree.

YALL SHOULD HAVE TALKED ABOUT THE PINK ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM BEFORE YOU EVEN GOT ENGAGED!

How could you not address the very diffferent religious background you both have.

WTF he doesn't care that your family/friends couldn't even come to the wedding?! What kind of man is that? Why would you want to marry someone like that...that's cruel.

And that he wants you to convert...but you don't want to convert either? This needed to be discussed longggg before this point. Sorry to say, but he sounds like a "my way or the highway" type. Good luck with that.

DO NOT DO IT. Do Not Convert it really tears you away from your family. My uncle who was raised catholic converted and married a mormon and every year he and kids show up to less and less to family holiday gatherings. Also a few things you should no about the mormon church. If you have kids and one day one of your kids run away from home, you are not allowed to go after your kid or you will be excommunicated from the church, also no alcohol, no caffeen, no saying oh my god, no wearing bikins, your kids are not allowed to date until they're 16, no piercings, etc.

Katie,

It isn't all bad. Sometimes people who overreact like you seem to be are what keep people from coming to family gatherings. Some of us don't date until we're sixteen, don't drink alcohol, and turn out just fine.

Having a few friends who were the only Mormon convert in their family, I've seen many different ways of this working or not. If he really wants to be married in the temple, then it is over if you don't ever want to convert. I have had friends who had a separate ceremony first and then a temple ceremony later. I have had friends who were married in the temple first, and then had a ring ceremony after. The temple ceremony is a very intimate ceremony more for the couple than anyone else, and yes, it is hard not to have family there, but there are plenty other times to involve all members of the family.

This may not bode well for your relationship. And we're not all conservative wackos who are watched in everything we do. Yes, there are some busybodies who make it their business to know everything, but show me a church, community, etc. where that doesn't happen. I live a very full, happy, moderate-liberal life. Yes, Mormon's are extremely invested in their religious life, so I am kind of in shock how it hasn't come up before now. How active is he in his ward?

Mormon Religion is based on bigotry and racism--no matter how they sugar -coat it. All should research their strange beliefs/doctrines and judge the truth for themselves. Their founder was a criminal for godsake!

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