I'm curious as to why you think he would be warm and welcome you back with open arms. You broke up with him because you thought he was cheating - something that I'm sure you asked him and he denied.
Then, you found out that he wasn't, or decided to believe him AFTER you'd already dumped him which means you didn't trust him and suspected him of lying. The message you sent to him (in case you just missed it) is that you don't believe him or trust him and thought he betrayed you and then lied to you about it.
I'd be cold towards you too. Not only that, I wouldn't want to date you. Sure he loves you and cares about you but you put all your chips into something that was wrong. Not only was it wrong but it portrayed him as a cheater and a liar. I wouldn't want you back. I'd go date somebody else and not cheat on them and not be accused of doing so. It's better for the skin.
You asked how to get him back? I honestly don't know. Either he wants to be with you or he doesn't. You showed that you don't trust him and he's hurt and feels betrayed. Unless he's open to giving your relationship another chance, a chance that only needs to occur because you didn't believe him, I don't see it happening.
Shoot, this is why a lot of Black men don't trust the American justice system: presumed guilt with swift, erroneous action.
If you want him back, you'll have to wait until he decides he wants to give it another shot, if he even does at all. It will be on his terms and on his time. So either hurry up and wait or realize that you just lone one (one...one...) and move onto the next one.
It was written.
Well said sir. Why are people so swift to jump to conclusions? Just a really great answer.
Well said sir. Why are people so swift to jump to conclusions? Just a really great answer.
I can't understand why anyone would break up with their boyfriend/girlfriend because they "think" that they're cheating, with no actual evidence. That's stupid.
I can't seem to write any cooments
But... You just...What?
LOL,
well now I can, Whenever I wrote a comment, it would turn gray, but never showe up...but apparently it was.
I'm the girl who wrote the question, I just was hurting because I have been burned SO many times in the past by boys cheating that I see a couple red flags go up and so I BAIL. He KNEW I had trust issues, and he knows how much I've been hurt.
So I thought after I apologized and begged and worked for forgiveness that he'd at least show a LITTLE mercy and give me a chance. I thought he'd be a little more understanding.
You seem to be asking for understanding from this guy when you showed him very little understanding yourself. You took the signs that you saw to mean that he was cheating on you and dumped him either before or in spite of any explanations he had to give. That was your choice; you decided that ending the relationship was better than getting hurt. But your decision has consequences. You showed this guy that your fear or being cheated on is greater than your trust in him to be faithful to you.
In addition to the good advice you got here, I would suggest you spend some time working your trust issues and try to see that you are not the wrong party here. You chose to end the relationship over your suspicions and this guy has no obligation to just be nice and take you back. Maybe he didn't really understand how deep your trust issues ran, or maybe he did and didn't take it seriously, in which case he might not be somebody you want to be with long term in the first place. But my guess is that your actions showed him that you don't trust him much at all and he's not going to be interested in getting back together. You've been thinking "Why would someone who said he loved me refuse to take me back?", but he's probably thinking "Why would someone who said she loved me jump to the conclusion that I was cheating on her and dump me?"
If you don't want to be in this situation again, you should probably start addressing those trust issues now. There's keeping your eyes open so you don't get taken advantage of, and then there's plain old paranoia.
Maybe he was cheating? Perhaps your intuitions were right. Without any evidence he was able to "flip the script". He knew you were on to him and ended it before he actually got caught.
Regardless, your relationship is over.
You peeps all have very valid points, not gonna lie. (:
But,
I definitely had my reasons to think he was cheating, it was big things like him being distant and not saying 'i love you' anymore... and blowing me off and stuff to do other things and he'd make up excuses where he was going... and it was even little things like him deleting my COMMENTS off myspace and but no one elses and then lying and saying he never did... and just stuff... so i was afraid he was picking up on girls.
Usually when their ex that they were pretty much engaged to is sobbing and begging for forgiveness men show a LITTLE mercy, at least a LITTLE. but in his case he told me that crying is for p*ssys and left.
I would do anything to have him back, though I almost think he was the wrong one for me.
Being stubborn gets nothing done. If the roles had been reversed I would have been understanding.
Women are generally nuturers. Often we will blow off our intuition to save something that isn't worth saving. In generally, men are not nuturers. If it ain't working for them, they move on.
It wasn't working for your boyfriend, so he moved on. Stop apologizing, and keep it moving.
"nurturers" my apologies for the mistake in spelling...
Wow. I was gonna say something about how your actions would have hurt him and he'd need time etc but, actually, it sounds like he was being a dick to you; I'd say you were right to bail.
Don't get me wrong: the jumping to conclusions bit is still a Bad Thing but, from the sound of things, even if he wasn't cheating on you it certainly looks like things were coming to a close.
"If the roles had been reversed I would have been understanding."
If he had really cheated, would you understand? Would you forgive?
All I'm saying is that cheating is something you won't forgive (and I can't blame you for that. I would be the same). This is the kind of trust breach you would never understand and accept. Then maybe for your boyfriend, it is when someone he loves enough to see himself spending the rest of his life with accuses him of cheating, don't believe him when he says he didn't do anything and then show so little confidence in their relationship that she breaks up.
Yes, he knew you had trust issues, but it doesn't mean you didn't hurt him when you broke up. Just because it sounded logical and legitimate in your head will not make it forgivable from his perspective. You broke his trust (and his heart) the same way your exes broke yours when they cheated.
I would probably not forgive you either if I were him. I'm way too stubborn and proud ;)
I think Sara gave you a great advice about working on your issues on your own. And then maybe find someone that will be able to understand your problems better than your ex was.
A relationship is based on trust. If u have trusts issues you don't need to be in a relationship untill you can over come you problems
Sounds like you're better off without him. My friend has taught me that love is insane, she married a guy who was a drug adict and she knew it and spent most of her time crying. He died of cancer 4 mos ago and she's practically suicidal with grief even though he was a jerk to her. It seems like you were right to dump him and had second thoughts and he's saving you the mistake of getting back together. He probably was cheating or wanted out of the relationship by the way you say he was acting.
I say move on. I know it's hard, but you are better off finding someone who isn't going to even give you the hint they might be cheating by behaving that way.
Trust is earned. It sounds like his behavior caused her to suspect him. The dude probably WAS cheating, and was too cowardly to admit. His guilt would keep him from getting back with her because he knows she was right. So he got a clean break without having to admit anything. She needs to find someone who earns her trust and works to keep it. I'm disappointed that you jumped on her case so harshly without considering that she was right. And thus, better off.
Thank you!
To all of you, you have awesome points...
The more I think of it the more I realize his faults, he was always too stubborn and when he got mad at me for crying it was the last straw...
but he called me last night, and we just chatted. Nothing big.
Which throws this entire string of comments through a LOOP because now he is calling me but acting really really disinterested in the conversation...
:/
maybe I should move on, in the words of taylor swift: "I start a fight cause I need to feel somethin' but you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted.
Whether he cheated or not I have no idea, but either way I don't think I was what he wanted. Whether he actually loved me or not.
wow same EXACT thing happened to me last night; ive apologized a million times and tried to get him to understand that i'm just afraid to get hurt again we've been dating for years, and i've never seen him so determined to just end things,i guess i really hurt him and i'd do anything to take back what i did; its true you shouldnt accuse without evidence, being accused of something u haven't done is very frustrating and when you know you're not trusted whats even the point of continuing a relationship? LESSON LEARNED
His behavior is definitely suspicious. If my fiance broke up with me over him thinking I was cheating, I would definitely take him back after talking it through. I would just make sure I identified the issues and figured out why we got in that situation in the first place. People make mistakes, and it sounds like you were just afraid.
Like the other posting said, you two either love each other or you don't. Sounds to me like he was guilty. Even if he wasn't, it certainly doesn't warrant namecalling.
His behavior is definitely suspicious. If my fiance broke up with me over him thinking I was cheating, I would definitely take him back after talking it through. I would just make sure I identified the issues and figured out why we got in that situation in the first place. People make mistakes, and it sounds like you were just afraid.
Like the other posting said, you two either love each other or you don't. Sounds to me like he was guilty. Even if he wasn't, it certainly doesn't warrant namecalling.
I'm going through a similar problem i broke up with my boyfriend because someone told me something about him that wasnt true...I was 2 months pregnant and when I broke up with him I got so depressed that I lost the baby he didn't text me back when I broke up with him he texted me 2 days later and I told him about losing the baby he blames me and wants nothing to do with me...what do I do? I still love him alot...and the only reason I believed those other people is because they are his next door neighbors and he has all these girls telling him they love him and claiming to be dating him but he denies it all...what do I do?
I'm going through a similar problem i broke up with my boyfriend because someone told me something about him that wasnt true...I was 2 months pregnant and when I broke up with him I got so depressed that I lost the baby he didn't text me back when I broke up with him he texted me 2 days later and I told him about losing the baby he blames me and wants nothing to do with me...what do I do? I still love him alot...and the only reason I believed those other people is because they are his next door neighbors and he has all these girls telling him they love him and claiming to be dating him but he denies it all...what do I do?