What can you do? You can tell him to get over it.
As you point out, he knew what you were like before you got together; now he wants to change you. Don't you hate it when people try to change you to fit their idea of who you should be? I do. You are who you are. Why are you the one who has to change? You've been a known quantity to him all along, consistent in your behavior from the start. He's the one who suddenly decided he can't handle your tears. I say that's his problem, not yours, so he's the one who needs to change.
I'm amused that he calls you emotionally immature because you cry. I actually believe that it is a sign of emotional maturity that, one, you are sensitive and empathetic enough to be moved by things like sad movies, and two, you are able to express it. Emotional immaturity would be to sit there and feel nothing like some serial killer, unmoved by the desperate pleas of your victims, or to stifle what you're feeling because you are worried about what others might think (which, by the way, is his problem. He's embarrassed by your public tears. I find that selfish and immature.)
I don't know why some guys get freaked out when women cry. It's a natural physiological response, and we all do it. Some just do it more than others. That doesn't make it wrong. My wife has always been quick to tear up over poignant moments, and it never bothered me. I was always glad to know she had a big heart and an empathetic soul.
If you were crying to get your way or because you were always feeling sorry for yourself, that would be a problem, but you aren't. If you were crying constantly for no reason at all, that would also be a problem, but you aren't. You are crying because you are--as my grandma would say--tender-hearted. I consider that a good quality, not a bad one.
Tell your boyfriend to grow up, and tell him to stop trying to change you. You are who you are--he can take it or leave it.
Thanks for the question.
Dear Cry Me A River ~ I just want you to know you aren't alone. I had to stop watching the Price is Right because I would cry every time a contestant's name was called and they came running down the aisle to the front. And when the National Anthem starts....well, forget about it. I use to hate the fact that I cried at the drop of a hat because I'm a first born, need to be in control kind of person. I mean, how embarrassing that I couldn't even control my own tears. But you know, it's all a matter of perspective. My best friend's grandmother once saw me tear up and said that my tears were the most beautiful thing she had seen all day. Her words made me realize that my tears were just a response to something beautiful that I got to experience deep within my soul.
Cary is right. You do not need to change one bit. This is who you are and if your bf wants to be with you, then he needs to be with every part of you, teas and all.
I am a crier as well... always have been. I cried in history class every time I learned of some new injustice met out on some people or tribe or country or village as a child. And I agree with Cary, I think it shows more emotional maturity than immaturity, shows compassion. His lack of understanding shows the emotional immaturity. I've met guys who were uncomfortable with it but not many, but then I'm not a leaner, I don't need a shoulder when I cry, so maybe they feel less threatened, who knows!? Anyway, if he can't deal with it, with a deep part of who you are, then you don't need him in your life. But you can cry a few tears of pity for him when you walk away!
gosh...I almost feel bad now! I used to be a bit of a crier, but then I just kept telling myself it was juvinile and pathetic and for babies...Now I almost never cry and when I do it's in the middle of the night with the door closed with silent wild crying. I don't know why the hell I'm telling all this but you don't know who I am so whatever. My dad's the nice guy/controlling asshole and he grew up in a very stoic household...because of it oddly, he has almost no emotional control. I got the impression that emotions are bad and I've practically been stripping myself of emotion and I don't know when/how to stop!
But wow you just became my favorite person Cary McNeal! Are you saying that the "good guys" are ok with crying and don't look upon it as emotionally immature? Wow you are a ray of sunlight in a cloudy sky!!!
So yeah. My life story. Maybe all the stuff I've been believing isn't true!! :)
Thanks. Glad I could help.
I'm like you. I was raised that it was immature and annoying to cry so I forced myself not to cry when anyone could see me. I was unable to cry at the funerals of any of my grandparents or my uncle. I cry in the shower or do the drivin' and cryin' thing. I hold things in and become very depressed. I think it's terrible that people are so shamed that they can't cry. It's very healing.
I am a crier as well! Sometimes I get sick of it myself, but like Cary said, you are who you are. He can either take it or leave it. And if he makes you feel bad about yourself, dump him. Anyone that makes you feel less about yourself is just not right. I have learned to embrace my crying tendencies because if I stuff my feelings, it makes me cry and be even more emotional at a later time. I need to get that stuff out. Makes you healthier in the long run. Good luck and know that you are not alone and not wrong in the way you express your emotions.
I never was one to cry, or show emotion that made me feel vulnerable until I got with my fiance. When I became comfortable with him, the need to show how I felt hit me. He loved that I could let go and be passionately expressive to him and said it's a valuable thing. It's felt emotion and expression, and he should support you in it, not condemn you for it.
I'm this way as well...you know the commercial where the children take food of some sort to the older gentleman next door...bawl my eyes out. lol
It's who I am, tender, compassionate, caring...like you. I'd rather be this way...feel...than be cold and unable to express my emotions.
I grew up with a mother who never told me she loved me until I was 17...swore I would never be that way. To her, showing emotion was a sign of weakness, she was wrong. Celebrate who you are and know there are many, many other people out there that are just like you...thankfully.
i also cry, mostly from emotional stuff. when i'm angry, i cry. makes it hard to confront people and stand up for myself/voice my opinion. it drives me crazy lol.
I am also a crier, and I'm proud of that fact, because as W-A has pointed out, it means I have a big heart and can empathize with others. In my opinion, this is MUCH better than those people who can't/won't cry even when it's warranted. In addition, it feels GOOD to shed a tear now and again! Do NOT feel shame over this, it is who you are. If your bf has an issue with it, he needs to figure out why he's so concerned with something YOU do and whether he would mind changing something about himself that you don't like. Live and let live!
I am a crier. My thing is that I refuse to cry in front of men. This includes my father, brother, psychiatrist, and every guy I've ever dated.
One of the guys here. I believe there's no shame in crying when the time or circumstance is appropriate. Also in the privacy of your own home. But personally, I'm not the type of person who keeps his emotions on his sleeve. Crying at a restaurant or in a movie theater is a no-go for me.
The stoicism and emotional control - I grew up with that stuff too. Crying is a very rare thing in my family, even for the women. My grandmother is the head of our family and an iron fist woman who rarely shows weakness. For this reason, I sometimes feel ashamed when I cry in front of others over my personal issues. Over time, I began to accept sorrow as a perfectly valid emotional response and don't hate myself for not being an iron box.
I do, however, believe that it requires a certain degree of self-control to keep yourself from crying at every opportunity. When you burst into tears over personal drama in a public place, it instantly changes the atmosphere from relaxed and social to awkward and uncertain. You don't want to ruin someone else's good time.
There's nothing wrong with the act of crying in and of itself, but there's a time and place for everything. Let your emotional burdens out in a place where you don't have to show utter strangers your vulnerability.
I disagree with just about everything you said.
"Appropriate" according to whom? That's a judgment call. Is there a list of approved places to cry?
I don't think that crying equates to wearing emotions on your sleeve. If you cry constantly, maybe, but otherwise, no. It's a simple expression of feelings.
Crying also doesn't make you appear vulnerable. It makes you appear human.
I don't think tears necessarily change the mood of the room, and I've never stopped having a good time because someone cried.
We are not robots. People just cry sometimes, and it's rarely deliberate. I don't know anyone who stops to think, "Is this the right time and place for me to cry?" or "Am I making things awkward and ruining someone else's good time?" Few have the control to say, "I feel like crying, but it's inappropriate here in this restaurant, so I'll just wait until I get home."
People cry. Sometimes they do it in public. It's not a crime or a sin or a show of weakness.
I didn't see this earlier, but I am the OP and I have to say thank you very much for your advice - Cary and everyone. It means a lot and it made me think. It's something about myself that I can't - and shouldn't have to - change.
I'm glad to see there are so many people who are just like me in this respect.
(Also, I don't recall putting "Cry Me a River" as my name - did you add that in?)
Yes. I get tired of seeing "Anonymous" on every answer, so I got creative.
Okay :) It made me laugh.
Thanks a lot for the advice. It's not often I get a question answered on here, and it means a lot. You're my favorite of the guys and I value your advice a lot.
Keep it up1
Thanks very much.
I ALSO CRY WHEN SOMEONE HURTS ME, WHEN I AM ANGRY, UPSET, WATCH SAD MOVIES AND ALL....
I KNOW I JUST NEED SOMEONE CARING PERSON WITH ME ALL THE TIME.... THATS ALL
BUT THE PEOPLE WHO WATCHED ME CRYING EVERYTIME THEY DON'T LIKE IT THATS WHY TODAY I GOOGLE AS MAY BE CRYING IS A PROBLEM.... BUT THANKS A LOT FOR THIS KNID OF FEEDBACK...
THANKS A LOT W-A.....
NOW I AM OK.... :)