That's understandable. You're giving her a LOT of leeway with the "whole sexting with another guy" thing. The fact that she's doing it behind your back and doesn't want you reading her BlackBerry is a bad sign. Are you sure it's just sexting?
While it's a shame that she needs to go outside the marriage to get turned on, if it works for you guys, more power to you. But the ONLY way something like this will work is if you have total honesty and transparency with each other. She needs to be honest about who she is sexting, what she's saying, etc. Otherwise, how do you know that she's not cheating?
Even if it's just sexting, right now you are feeling betrayed that she is doing it behind your back and getting defensive when you ask her about it. You're headed down a dangerous path if she's starting to keep secrets. Eventually sexting won't be enough and she may be tempted to take it further. If she's already keeping secrets, who's to say she won't start keeping even bigger things from you. It's time to tell her that you are not okay with her sneaking around and lying. You'll tolerate the sexting, but she has to be open about it with you. She may think of it as her "porn," but what she's doing right now has far greater potential to destroy your marriage than actually watching porn.
Let's think about why you look into her phone in the first place. I feel like you have some suspicion that something is up. If it makes both of you happier, then good. I just hope that the sexting didn't become having sex later.
in my book, nobody gets brownie points for honesty when they've already lied about it. her credibility is shot, sorry. i'm sorry this happened to you, but bloody hell, give your head a shake. if you didn't have a problem with it, you WOULDN'T BE HERE. what exactly is your question then if it bothers you so little?? there are plenty of women out there that would want YOU to be the sexting porn god FOR them, even if they were sitting right across the room from you. dump her and go find one of them, because you certainly deserve better. I can just see a future blog headline now, “you know you might be in a bad marriage when”....1.) you compares yours to Tiger Woods.
I think her sexting is cheating. Her best defense is calling you out for looking at her phone? Rubbish. My phone is always available to my husband and vise versa, as it is a non-issue. I cannot imagine wanting to have sex with a partner who was made horny by sexting with someone else.
If you can get past this issue as a couple, maybe you can then start sexting your wife yourself? It would fulfill her need, and it would allow you to show her your fantasies that you don't always dare to say or act out in person (and vice-versa). It could be a way to enrich your sex life and your marriage. Sexting is a great way to keep the spark alive, and to explore new sexual territory.
I tried replying to this, but apparently the comment got eaten by the site. Apologies if it reappears as a double post later on:
If you can get over this issue as a couple (sexting another), then maybe you could think about sexting your wife yourself? It could be a way to fulfill her need, and express the fantasies that you don't necessarily dare to act out or talk about in real life yet (and of course you could then enact your best scenarios in bed, knowing that you're both into that). It could bring you two closer sexually, and enhance both your sex life and your marriage.
I absolutely agree with both Jan & Jill. Firstly, I too consider sexting cheating. How dare she compare it to porn! Secondly, I Also suggest the OP tries sexting with his wife as well. If she's not into it with her husband, that's a bad BAD sign. Perhaps it's not the sexting that turns her on, but the man himself. Either way..what a bummer this is. I'm sorry OP but good luck :)