I see two problems here. Let's start with your boyfriend. He is wrong to try to pressure you to have sex in the light when he knows it makes you uncomfortable, and he's certainly wrong to be angry (or surprised) when you turn him down. He takes it as a rejection of him, which it isn't. In fact, I suspect it has very little to do with him.
The second issue is that you have body issues that you need to address. As you said, you feel chubby and awkward, so you try to hide your body from him by only having sex in the dark. That's no way to live. If you're comfortable enough to have sex with someone, you should be naked in front of them without feeling self-conscious or repulsive. There's a lack of trust in your relationship, a fear of rejection, and I'm wondering if he has said anything to make you feel badly about how you look or if the problem is just your own insecurities.
Body issues are fairly common, especially in women, but the problem with body issues is that they are also soul issues. No only do you hide your flesh from your boyfriend, but you're holding back part of your heart, the part that is afraid that if he gets a good enough look at you in the bright light, he'll bolt for the door and never come back. Your shame and fear are like a sheet of clear plastic between you and him; you can both touch your hands to the sheet and feel each other's warmth, but you're not making real contact. There's a detachment there, in bed and out, one that won't subside until you can come to terms with the way you look and accept that your guy loves you for reasons far greater than physical appearance.
I see two ways to begin to fix this problem. First, I think you and your boyfriend need to be better communicators. You need to talk candidly about this problem and the shame, fear and rejection each of you is feeling. I think you both need to feel assured that your partner loves you exactly as you are, and that you can trust them not to bail on you just because you aren't perfect. You were drawn together for a reason, and even if your body has changed, the core "you" -- your soul, heart, mind -- is the same one that sparked the other's interest in the first place.
I also think you would benefit from seeing a counselor and discussing your self-esteem issues and what might be causing them. There is a reason you feel badly about your looks; figuring out that reason is the first step toward getting rid of that anxiety and feeling good about yourself.
Good luck. Thanks for the question.
The BEST answer I've ever read on this site. Thank you, Cary!
I used to be/am in the same boat. For my, it's mainly that I don't find myself attractive, and so think 'how can he?'.
My solotion is rather simple, but takes some guts:
1. When you are home alone, during the day time, get nakid. Stand infront of your mirror and look, just look for 5 min. (don't be a chicken, it works)
2. Home alone, daytime, naked: Do the dishes or clear away the laundry.
3. Repeat until you realize that it's really not bad/gross/etc, you might still feel that way, but I'm talking about when your HEAD is saying 'wow this is a little silly you!'.
4. Daytime, boyfriend is home, go to another room, get naked and walk into the same room he is in. He'll no doubt be suprised. Tell him that you love him and that you'll be putting your clothes back on in a min.
This step can lead to interesting conversations (I suggest you do it while you are naked) or sex if you are both of a mind to do that. Regardless, you will both get a good laugh and you will start to feel much more comfertable being naked with your boyfriend while the lights are on.
Love
This is an absolutely wonderful, thoughtful response.
I agree. I especially liked the "body issues...are also soul issues" comment. Very insightful!
Thank you so much! That was a really good answer. I just started going to a counseler and I was worried this sort of thing was too silly to bring up because I'm not overweight or anything, just REALLY uncomfortable. I'll try to figure out how to bring it up. Thanks for not thinking this was a ridiculous question haha
This was such a great, insightful answer, Cary. "The problem with body issues is that they are also soul issues." That is SO true. It is really hard to get past how we see ourselves and believe that someone else could see something completely different.
I have a lot of body image issues. I would have NEVER had sex in broad daylight years ago. Low lighting, candles, and under-the-covers was the safest way to protect myself from potential rejection. If it was dark, I wouldn't be able to see his disappointment (or revulsion). In the dark it all feels the same, or so I told myself.
Since then I've been lucky enough to be with a man who doesn't see all my flaws. Well, I'm sure he sees them, he just doesn't care. Having sex with him in the middle of the afternoon, in broad daylight, on TOP of the covers is amazing. I can look him right in the eyes and tell what he's thinking and feeling. And it's not rejection and it's not revulsion. Best. Sex. Ever.
Once you've done it a few times and get more comfortable with yourself and with being "seen" like that, I promise you will like it.
Thank you all.