No one ever wants kids when they are dating. Ask any single mother trying to get back into the scene. It is too much to deal with when you are still having fun. After marriage, things change.
If you were so dead set against having children, why the hell did you rely on him to do the contraception? Condoms mess up at the best of times, either splitting or coming off if you are the slightest bit too vigorous - and it seems always at the peak of a woman's fertility. The pill or an IUD would have been a better bet. But enough of the should haves, what's done is done.
Did you talk about having children again after you got married? Did he suggest that maybe a child might be a nice addition to the family, or even hint at it? Men do get broody too, despite the reputation we seem to have of detesting children as unmitigated nuisances.
As abortion is no option, and I do admire you for that, you have two realistic choices. Give up the kid, which will mean giving up your husband, or do like millions of people have had to do and make the best of it.
Confronting him is such an ugly phrase. I am quite sure you are capable of making his life hell without quite driving him away. You don't want to be left alone and holding the baby, so play it cool.
Luckily, we live in a time when gender role reversal is not uncommon. After all - he wanted the child that badly - he can put his life on hold and do the Mom stuff. You get on with your life and career.
Mystery Man
Ooohhh....This response is bound to tick everyone off lmao... Thats right, stir the pot MM .
I think if she made it clear from jump, that she did not want kids and he lied and said he was fine when he really wasn't, this is all on him. Two people have to share the same vision, otherwise its just not going to work.
As for birth control methods, you know what yeah she should have taken more caution. But those drugs can cause mayhem on a woman's hormones, and its a personal choice whether or not you want to be on them. Short of her getting her tubes tied, I don't know what could have been done. But he should have had some sense of honor, and respected her wishes. Not be an underhanded little piece of shit and punch holes in the condom.
I have stated it before, this to me sounds like something I would consult an attorney over. There have been cases before, of men (and women) purposefully going out of their way to harm or malign their partners via the method her husband used (and if you don't think that purposefully impregnating someone, or purposefully giving someone an STD "is something you just deal with" , then you sir have no place giving advice to women or anyone for that matter ) .
Its criminal what he did to you. Period.
MM really needs to do his research. Nick already answered this question on 10/29. He also came up with by far the better answer.
I agree with the previous poster, what this man did is criminal and definite grounds for divorce. Normally I am not on the gold digger's side but in this case he has it coming. Take him to the cleaners for you and your baby. Continuing a relationship that is entwined with such deception is only bound to get worse and that is no good for you or your child. If you get out now, you learn and emotionally recover from this experience. Best of luck.
While the above comments are valid, I think she should also ask her husband why, and find out if that's what actually happened. What he did was wrong, no question, but I'm sure he had some twisted reason for doing it.
Also, if divorce is the only option, let him have the baby. He was the one that wanted it and if she doesn't, why make both of them miserable? Regardless of gender, someone who wants a baby is going to take better care of it than someone who doesn't.
Um, this is definitely some form of sexual assault, and is something her husband should maybe go to jail for. When someone pokes holes in condoms to get you pregnant against your will (and it's not like she got pregnant having unprotected sex, or even that a condom broke accidentally- this guy *poked holes in the condoms*) that is some degree of rape. If someone ever did this to me, I would get a lawyer. Immediately.
Mystery Man, I can't believe that you are and telling her not to confront her husband because she might drive him away. She shouldn't be worried about driving him away; she should be worried about getting as far away from him as possible. Get your priorities straight. He is a disgusting creep who violated a woman's body by forcing an unwanted pregnancy on her.
Also, Mystery Man, PS- "confronting him is an ugly phrase"? Yeah, so is "rape." Which this kind of sounds like.
And to whoever submitted this, I hope you are okay, and have people to support you. You don't have to "play it cool." Play it angry, because if ever someone had a reason to be angry, this is it.
Right on!!! Couldn't have put it any better. She shouldn't have to put up with this kind of insanity.
"Give up the kid, which will mean giving up your husband, or do like millions of people have had to do and make the best of it. "
See that right there... That to me sounds like, "shut up and take it".
"Make the best of it" ? Are you serious? Stop projecting fear onto a woman who is probably scared already.
You DO have the right to chose. This SOB may have attempted to take that away from you, but in the end he has no control over the outcome. Yes, you've already stated that abortion was out of the question, but if I were you I would seriously consider adoption. You still have control, this is your body.
Probably not going to get any brownie points for this one, but I actually agree with MM on this one. AND I agree with a good chunk of what is posted by the commenters, too.
This is ugly at best and MM was actually trying to find a way to salvage the relationship or at least try for a shot of happiness for the child that is going to be stuck in the middle of this mess.
He's genuinely trying to find an angle that would not send this guy packing, something that a MAN would be able to handle besides the knee-jerk response of put him out and get a lawyer.
Sure, get a lawyer, sue him, divorce him, leave him are all options AND I agree she's definitely going to have to consider those options, this man have violated her trust in a very profound and deep manner, the questioner seems to be asking for a way to overcome this, not get out of it. This is what MM addressed and he's right. A confrontation will set the stage for a fight and break.
As to the contraception issue, MM is somewhat correct, but he should also note what was said: those things can cause problems for women, possibly even leading to infertility or cancer in rare cases! However, she should have been at least a bit more vigilant, on the other hand, she should have been able to trust her HUSBAND. Let's not look at the contraception as black and white.
As to the WHY that seems to have been glossed over:
It's really hard to say.
Usually jerk offs want less responsibility, having a kid adds tons of responsibility!
So I personally see it as one of these things:
1) He's genuinely crazy. A psycho that gets off on subjugating women, delusionally thinks he is somehow incomplete without a child or some other disorder.
2) A controlling jerk. This could be a power play to force you into what he thinks you should be.
3) A naive jerk.
He may have thought something along the lines of "better to beg forgiveness then ask permission". Stupid, yes, necessarily trying to harm you, no.
He could have somehow thought that once you were pregnant you would change your mind about having children.
Good points, Laje. It's all well and good to divorce the douche, but what if she decides that they can work it out? Plus, she should have been using the Pill or something as back-up.
I was nowhere near ready when I had my daughter, but she is such a joy to me now that I wouldn't have it any other way, even though it's harder than hell sometimes. I say give it a chance. If she can't bond with the baby, or she's blaming the baby for what her father did, it's better to arrange an adoption.
Even if those two work it out, there's going to be some major trust issues.
That said, I find it ironic that the man was the one to trick the woman into getting pregnant. I only know one man who really wants a child of his own that badly, besides my ex, who seems to want to impregnate half the women in the desert southwest. Apparently he felt cheated because I only "gave" him one child. Having kids is more than having mini versions of you running around.
MM- it is NOT okay to demand that a woman fuck up her body chemistry with drugs. Many forms of birth control have side effects, some of which are life-threatening. If they agreed on condoms, then condoms it is.
I get that you are the asshole on this site. It's your thing. fine. But you just blamed someone for essentially being raped. Her husband assaulted her and quite possibly ruined her life. What he did was immoral and criminal, and you are taking his side. I don't care how amusing you find it to be mean to the people who write you for advice. This is NOT okay.
Asker: forget divorce for now, PUT HIM BEHIND BARS, first and foremost. Let's see how he likes it when his cell mate pokes a hole in the condom and gives him HIV. Then, MM, you really can say it was his own fault.
Wow awesome comment before me, hilarious. I'm appalled by this "husband", a real husband wouldn't do something so immoral, so untrusting like that. DO NOT brush this under the rug and "deal" with it, get him for that. He did something that only a crazy psycho would do to get what he wanted, he didn't think about your feelings at all. I feel so sorry for you. I definitely don't see keeping this child as the right thing to do, because of the circumstances, but hopefully you can figure out a way to take care of this.
Abortion is kinder to the child then bringing an unwanted child into the world. What if the reason he went to such lengths because he's a kiddie diddler and wanted a built in "toy"?
Abort the child, or at least give him some REALLY bad days THINKING you're going to..... Then take him to court, terminate his parental rights and find a couple who DO want the child. The pain of NEVER KNOWING the child he went to such lengths to create will hurt him worse than anything. And he DESERVES to suffer
Not one comment that i have read has anyone thought about this child coming into the world.. Yea he can go to jail they can get divorce and then she will still be stuck with a child and no husband.... I think that some of u sound real bitter... Mayb he didnt feel like he was violating her in any way... In sime situations some people say things out of fear.. Mayb this is the case mayb he felt that she was afraid of being a mother so if he tricked her in2 it her feelings may change.. Noo i dont agree with his decision at all but i do see that toooo many people think with one side of their minds instead of putting themselves in both peoples shoes.... There are women that have forgiven their husbands for much worse Ex:beating them, cheating w/ family members, cheating & bringing home STD's yet they stick with theses men and sometimes the relationships work and sometimes they dont... I say seperate and go to counseling and prayer.... She needs time alone to think about what she really wants to do!!
p.s im sure some of u dont agree but there are too many children in this world without parents and why push her in2 making this baby an orphan when there can be a happy ending to her story!! yes i said orpahn because not every child you put up for adoption gets adopted and if they do they dont always good to good people
What the guy did was immoral. And he did breach his wife's trust in a very profound way. But there's one very important note to this that nobody above has commented on - he is an IDIOT. Clearly he thought he could somehow change his wife's mind about having a child, and that was a very naive thought.
Most importantly, why would any healthy man marry a woman who does not want to have children (unless it's like a second or third marriage, he is old and already has kids from prior relationship)? Marrying her was idiotic. He should have dumped her the moment she told him she wanted to be "child free". Or at least not marry her. There are plenty of women out there who have normal views on family and having children.
Having said that, if he did marry her knowing her views on having chidlren, it meant he should have accepted it. Inasmuch as I find this type of women reprehensible, every woman has a right to her body and to live her life the way she wants to. If you disagree, just move on and find another woman who will agree with your values and goals.